Books & Writings by SPam McGee

Alaska Short Stack Stories, Series I, II, & III ~ Alaska's Deadliest Sin-Drill Baby Drill ~ Alaskan Company Man ~ Eklutna Lake Worrier ~ From the Fifth Floor ~ Hannah Cove ~ My Journey to Landes House ~ Poemetrics ~ Quinn the "Tanik" Eskimo ~ S.O.S. from Beaver Lake ~ The Teachings of the Swamp Fox ~ Trans-Alaska-Pipeline Funny Stories ~ Spirit Dog & the Ghost Wind


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Sunday, February 22, 2015

Electric Chairs?

Why in hell are the airlines re-retrofitting the already under-sized passenger plane seats with electricity? Maybe as a deterrent against unruly passengers? Captain Mud, we have a crying child in 19B...zap! Really, I just exited a brand new Boeing 737-900ER – the “00ER” meaning “zero x zero Extra Room” - and the seats are equipped with 120Volt outlets. Now the box that converts the “plane” voltage to “human” voltage for charging all our “social net-hog” gadgets, it sits under “Floor Space C & D”, which means the isle seats are now reserved for one-legged passengers. There ain't even room for a brown-bag ham sandwich – of course that helps the airlines sell over-expensive over-extended best used by 1998 stuff. I used to like the “isle” seat, but now with all the traffic with the food cart and beverage cart and people trying to criss-cross while headed to and fro the tiny sized “crapper”, well how about “combat pay” as you will be black & blue at the shoulder come touch-down! I watched some kid amuse himself on a flight by sticking stuff in the outlet – the LED indicator kept a flickering and it smoked like a fire-breathing Congresswoman – it entertained the kid for a few hours, until it shorted out. And a few silos down, a Rastafarian guy had one of them electric air-fresheners plugged into the outlet with some sort of incense – that part of the plane was rather mellow and the babies all snug in...But what scares me is the fact that by mid-day most planes that are in operation have floor carpets that are damp to wet, and we all know that electricity and water don't mix – but maybe “urine” is not as conductive to cause electrocution – shock treatment on high! Look, an LED takes 20millipedes, pain starts at 60 and death at 100. So no doubt there is enough energy in that innocent looking outlet to, well cause a fire then what? And this stuff ain't cheap to install, as it must meet strict FAA approval! Can't we just sit back and relax, maybe watch Sesame Street? In a recent study upon the effects of dementia on the elderly, it was found that a few hours each day with Bert, Ernie, Big Bird and the Grouch had intimidating effects on holding off the mind playing games! See, there was this stubborn guy that refused to take part in a government study using word games to ward off aging, and instead under protest entertained himself with the 123. Today he's a pilot! Look, nothing is free, so am I paying for this “electrification”? Yes, a trick question but please take the test to see whether or not you need more Kermit time! Do the driving lights on your car work for free? A majority will say yes, because we are still stuck in that ignorant Neanderthal “mindset”. Yes ignorant because we still spend a whole bunch of money on a “WAR MACHINE” mentality when the entirety of “space” is waiting for us to discover its treasures, well beyond our wildest imagination. Can't have it both ways. Keep fighting and we stay here. Give up the sword and we can move away! Anyway, to see planes equipped with 120V outlets, just more insomnia cast upon our thirst to delay progressive man going where no man has gone before! But for I ask? Anyway, there's an outfit that has agents taking pictures of the “Urine Trails” at airport “Concourses”, using “Clint Eastwood Infra-Red Night Vision” optics, which picks out the urine by special filters dedicated to the “piss” spectrum. Yes indeed, as the day goes by, so does the traveling public find the airport bathrooms from sea to shining sea overflowing with “urine”. Which gets carried over by foot traffic from the “stalls” to the main concourse and ends up on the planes because we are so damn in a hurry to get on that crowded plane – so maybe it is best to keep that brown-bag up high – but there ain't no room there either and the way other courteous and courageous passengers try to stuff their 100-lbs of stuff in that 10-lb overhead container, well that sandwich becomes “panini” pressed. Anyway, with the price of motor gasoline so cheap and the highways and byways in much better shape now that Crawford's idiot has returned home, driving seems to be a more pleasurable and it gives me the opportunity to see all them roads named in honor of officers killed in the line of duty – because we are out of control and need more Kermit time!

 Ted Stevens Anchorage International Airport
“Urine Trail”(February 21st, 2015)

SEA-TAC International Airport
 “Urine Trail”(February, 22nd, 2015)

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