Alaska Cry Baby Blues

Look, Alaska is not heading in the direction of a “Doom & Gloom” ice-age with the crashing price of oil wherein we will once again resort to Neanderthal “Palintology” love making. Yes, the state's wealth is falling faster then that thermometer at Coldfoot on a pitch-black Aurora Borealis boring night in January, but there are arrestors that can be deployed to soften the “blow-hards”. First and foremost, there remains $50-Billion bucks in the “Reserve Piggy Bank”. Now even though it takes per-say an “Act of Corruption” to pillage that “loot”, somebody down in Juneau acts as the pro tempore relief thief, a “Shake for me, girl, I wanna be your back door man.” And Alaska has stashed away money in other nook'n cranny hideaways, like in cans of “Spotted Dick”. OK, it may be not so easy to reach out and touch this loot, as when Sarah Palin decided to give it all away to Best Buy - with that “Energy Rebate” she gave to all eligible Alaskan homeowners back in 2008 - well the fallout of that was “Chasity Belt” legislation. See, when Palin thought it a good idea before she quit her job, she wanted something to be remembered upon – an energy rebate due the high cost of electricity for her narcissist servants. But Best Buy decided to have a bunch of “Big Screen TV” sales the day it was announced that Palin was giving in, so most of the money from that rebate left the state as “outsider revenue”. And if you think it is hard getting relief from the “Reserve”, prying away a can of “Spotted Dick” from a “bloke”...well don't try! Anyway, Alaska is not suffering from a “Deficit”, never has and never will can even though Governor Bilbo sees a $3.5-Billion dollar shortfall – so cut the school budget and cut the public transportation but let's make sure we hire a guy to milk our wealth, yes a lucrative job with the responsibility of sitting down there in Utah trying to sell fire-works for the Kodiak Free-Lunch Facility. OK, even though the military said the experimental rocket blastoff that was aborted most recently at the Alaska AERO-Space pad in Kodiak – the 1^st liftoff in the last 5-years – even though it caused the facility to see $25-million in “shrapnel” damage, well the finding upon the cause is confidential. Look, we all know it was a hunter pissed because the rocket engine noise spoiled his early morning hunt. This is Alaska, we love our guns! We find idiots shooting out pipelines. We find idiots shooting out over-head electric lines, and wow, now a moving target! And not to forget, Ted “I Shit My Pants” Nugent poaching our animals! Anyway, we cannot let the legislatures or the Governor's mansion chief chef complain about less loot to throw around. Let's just set our priorities on a different crash course! See, if we “Taxed” the mining sector appropriately, we would still have plenty to go around. Now I am not talking the little mom & pappy outfits. I am talking the “Big Guys”, like Joe Uselessbelli and the Japanese Gold Mine conglomerates, well maybe they pay a ¼ duty the rest Scott free for what is rightfully owed by the citizens to begin with. See, the law for mining royalties is an across-the-board sort of thing – so it is hard for the legislature to change laws that have been on the books since “Territorial” days. So a 7% mining tax gets wilted down to about 1.5%, when all the operating revenue costs are balanced out against the “profits”. And since miners “pack heat” according to Flipout Bishop, no trespassing has its rewards. Remember, we love our guns! If there came an equitable “Tax” on mining of “OUR” gold and coal, the state would have an additional $9.9-Billion at its disposal and spending desecration today. Now take that “Pot of Gold” and amend the salaries of the CEOs of the numerous “What's Transparency - Alaska State Corporations”, damn, that dividend you waste at “Best Buy” would be a “Whopper Deluxe Special”. And may as well get rid of the film tax credit, as it is selling “Reality Show” cancer and making Alaskan's look like a bunch of fools! So, if we policed our sovereign domain taxation and rid the system of identity theft - as the crooks have been mugshot - we would be way ahead of schedule - instead of on a Bill Sheffield “Port of Call the Crooks” schedule, which is what costs this state and retaliates as a deficit. We have a “Pig-Sty” mentality. Not the common working addicts but with the CEOs from those crazed “Do Nothing” state run corporations along with those that refuse to pay a fair share on resource development – including those Podunk “Independents” like Careless and ENI. Look, give “Big Oil” some “Royalty Relief” and see what happens! And here is another encouraging TEDbit. Back some years ago an outfit called Yukon Pacific had everything it needed, funding and permitting to build an LNG project from Prudhoe Bay to Valdez. The only thing missing was the fact YP was messing with “Big Oil”, so the gas remained stranded. Now that plan could have been built for $30-Billion in today's buckaroo inflationary times. But this is Alaska, and precedence was set a long time ago with construction of the Trans-Alaska-Pipeline, 888.88888% cost overruns. So take that original estimate at $30-Billion then adjust it for Alaska's “Cost of Corrupt Bastard Club Index” initiative, wow, that is wherein the $65-Billion price for todays project rests its laughing stock case. And that's with the “CBCI” reduced to 200%. So we have learned from our mistakes, and if the trend continues come about the year 2089 Alaska will be considered a normal business climate for doing business, which means banks will not laugh when a project is presented for a loan. But don't hold your breath as the cost of that “Mighty” project has been over-inflated for a reason – NO “We are Ill” INTENT! So to all those down Juneau way that are grasping for air due the budget “shortfall”, or looking for that “reserve” back-door, “You need coolin', baby, I'm not foolin'”. Maybe we can ask Joe Uselessbelli for a loan?

 Alaska's Secret "Slush Fund Reserve"