Books & Writings by SPam McGee

Alaska Short Stack Stories, Series I, II, & III ~ Alaska's Deadliest Sin-Drill Baby Drill ~ Alaskan Company Man ~ Eklutna Lake Worrier ~ From the Fifth Floor ~ Hannah Cove ~ My Journey to Landes House ~ Poemetrics ~ Quinn the "Tanik" Eskimo ~ S.O.S. from Beaver Lake ~ The Teachings of the Swamp Fox ~ Trans-Alaska-Pipeline Funny Stories ~ Spirit Dog & the Ghost Wind


Stories All About Alaska and More...
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~ This Machine KILLS Fascists ~

Friday, February 16, 2018

Blow the DOW Down!

Come all ye young wolves that follows the Wall
To me, way hey, blow the DOW down
Now please pay attention and listen to me
Give me some time to blow the DOW down

January 26th - DOW hits new high of 26617-points
February 16th -DOW closes at 25216-points

It’s Fingernail Freddy Friday and 3-weeks into this “volatile” market depression and the experts are still calling it a “Correction”? I have a bridge, NO a “Tower” to sell you. Why is it that the DOW still enjoys a sag and NOT gaining any traction to recover? A 3-week correction and by the trending at the current trajectory it means “exactly” another 3-weeks to get back on track to that historic January 26th minus 13 is Friday the 13th! So, it is a 6-week correction by choice, as the DOW is being manipulated - maybe by Russian “Twats”. And it’s crazy, how the DOW reacts today, even to Stormey weather on the horizon. See, following the Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre at that school in Florida by a MAGA supporter that received an AR-15 assault rifle from Governor Rick Scott, well the day after pill found the DOW sinking right before Rex Tillerson’s Fucking Moron was to address this nation, as to why he supports mass murdering at public schools. But when the teleprompt erased any words of advise that talked about “guns” being the cause and effect and the Moron didn’t have the urge to go there, well the DOW shot-up over this shoot-up as gun manufacturers and the NRA knew they had been granted a “Presidential Pardon”. And the very next day today, when we heard that Steamy Stormey had competition with a Playboy bunny on who gave the best Moron head-room, the DOW started tanking and then the FBI stood at the podium and reinstated the leash laws on the Russian whores that had meddled in the 2016 election. And Melania went pissed, as she is supposed to be the head mistress! I honestly believe that the DOW is being harassed out-of-control by the Trump administration’s unfaithfulness to American Democracy, and of course the Russian whores still holding on to work Visas. Vladimir Portnoy Putin, please call off the whores! But maybe we should consider moving the White House to Neverland Ranch, and since the Fucking Moron hates California because Devin Nunes fell off that midnight ride mule and lost his marbles, it means the Moron will stay in Mar-a-Lago. But Neverland Ranch, something strange going on there as that seems to be wherein all the premeditated interference upon the FBI investigating the Russian meddling is taking place - as there may be a connection! Really, it a Secret Russian embassy? Damn, just tell the Fucking Moron that is wherein the Russian whores hang out and California will be on his must visit now list, and Melania can stay at home and teach Barron how to handle an AR-15, a courtesy gift from the NRA. Sad when once an American institute for hunters is now a money laundering front for Russian whores. And when we see such attacks on these institutions by Russian oligarchs, it means Democracy is doomed.

Come all ye whores that follows the Moron
To me, way hey, blow the PIG down
Now please pay attention and listen to me
Give me some time to blow the PIG down

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Here “We the People” Go Again!

The Second Amendment, as passed by the House and Senate and later ratified by the States, reads:
A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.
The hand-written copy of the Bill of Rights which hangs in the National Archives had slightly different capitalization and punctuation inserted by William Lambert, the scribe who prepared it. This copy reads:
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
Both versions are commonly used by "official" U.S. government publications.
And then we have ARTICLE 2 - Section 2 - Clause 1:
The President shall be Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy of the United States, and of the Militia of the several States, when called into the actual Service of the United States; he may require the Opinion, in writing, of the principal Officer in each of the executive Departments, upon any Subject relating to the Duties of their respective Offices, and he shall have Power to grant Reprieves and Pardons for Offenses against the United States, except in Cases of Impeachment.

The hand-written copy finds the capitalization of “Militia” and since the same is found within the United States Constitution under “Presidential Powers”, we can “case closed” on the long winding-road debate of which is the official 2nd Amendment as proposed by the Founding Fathers. If the “Amendment” ratified by the Congress and states found instead “militia”, it was a typo mistake. So let’s agree on that, as it is paramount to wherein the latest Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre rests its case upon any formidable “Arm” control. So, with due respect a well regulated “Militia”, I retain the un-infringeable right to keep and bear “Arms” and the President shall be the Commander-in-Chief this “Militia of the several states” when called into the actual Service of the United States. That premise, the ball is definitely in the President Donald John Trump’s court of appeals on what can be done about the “Killing Fields” wrecking havoc and strewing carnage and bloodshed at our schools - at one time considered “safe zones”. How can kids concentrate on learning the U.S. Constitution when “bombs bursting in air gave proof through the night this madness we didn’t care was still there”? Today, and without debate, it is the 45th’s dilemma and the only way Congress finds involvement this issue the fact it wanted to take away some of the “Presidential Powers”. And hold your horses from stampeding over the cliff, it is NOT a sour point the fact Congress continues to NOT act in the face of this gun violence that is making parents think twice about these “safe zones”. The active duty President can call into “Service” this “Militia”, as that’s the meaning of the “well regulated”. Amazing that a majority of 2nd Amendment enthusiasts rely on this “regulated” to maintain an arsenal of deadly - not hunting - weapons of mass destruction when at the same time totally against “regulation” to restrict such living in fear mongering! And Mr. President can thus command this “Militia” to immediately come-to-order in efforts to protect our school playgrounds from sea to shining sea. Simple solution, nothing hard about this, not asking too much! And since a “well regulated Militia” is at the beckon call of the Commander-in-Chief such mandatory “Service”, this is basically a volunteer commitment in efforts to “bear Arms” as a citizen’s choice - volunteer in the respect No wage included from Uncle Sam, maybe a ham sandwich! Now if John and Jane Doe “Militia” does NOT head the Commander-in-Chief’s call to “Service” duty that means dereliction of duty and time to summon the Court jester Marshalls for a Court Martial. Now John and Jane also have a family to feed and if a NO show at the factory when it is time over-due to protect our schools, it means no pay! But maybe as part of the “Corporate Tax Reform” this “Militia” can get a day off with pay this community service. And based on numbers for gun ownership here in the Heartland, a member of this well regulated Militia would have too entertain securing our schools about 5-days each year. OK, your boss is not going to pay you that much time off and surely you will not use your paid vacation time for spending time protecting our future - our children. And remember, if a NO show it could mean time in Leavenworth, where you could share a cell with the likes of a William Calley - then you can get some good advice on My Lai type massacres and maybe that will get the point across and you will then heed the Commander’s call to duty. But this won’t go over too well, as the cry-babies will soon realize that gun ownership isn’t worth it as all they have done this issue is complain to Wayne Lapierre and the NRA - which today has more Russian names as members then American Patriots. With that, when Trump finally calls-to-duty his “Militia”, we will see an about face and we will see many of the 2nd Amendment Right fabatics turning in their “Arms” for heaven’s sake. And that my friend is the kind of gun control we need today, all part of the Founding Fathers plan of attack when things get so out-of-control. In ending, now that we have cleared up this debate with a resolution, there is but for only a single person to blame for the bloodshed this Florida incident that is a “trump” one up over Al Capone’s Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre, and I already mentioned that name about 16-words backwards - the same direction “We the People” will travel if we lose control some more this craze and rage to school shoot outs that use bullets over basketballs.

Monday, February 12, 2018

Laughter - What a Remedy!

It appears that Wall Street is also losing faith in Rex Tillerson’s Moron. Now when Barack Obama as the Honorable 44th President of these United States announced his administration’s “Infrastructure Plan” in the early part of 2009 following the Wall Street massacre by the outgoing administration, that $1-Trillion face lift caused the DOW to see an immediate 13% increase in value. As this “American Recovery & Reinvestment Act” was not just a stimulus that would rebuild stuff and create jobs for many years, it also found one-time tax breaks for Corporate America, for getting on board to assist the success of this project across America which was truly a “Make America Great Again” revival. Now this new guy in the Oval Office that uses an “Etch-a-Sketch” to plan for the future but by the time he can propose it to his wife beating staff, well the sketch has retired into chaos just like that hairdo. But this morning when the Moron announced his $1-Trillion cleavage special…the DOW was sad an only realized a 0.18% interest. Maybe the cart before the mule with the “Trump Tax Reform” was a premature ejaculation. And why this dismal swamp? Because it is a real McCoy nowhere man’s plan. And remember what Texas governor Rick Perry and now the Moron’s Secretary of Energy through the process of chain insane cronyism said about the Obama Stimulus? “I remain opposed to using these funds in H.R. 1, but will except the funds to stimulate economic growth”. Sure, don’t like it but don’t slap the hand that feeds…

Abused Spouse Day

It is now official, February 9th is “Bring Your Black-eyed Susan To the Oval Office” for a day of recognition and showoff, pictures only will do if your abused victim is too damn embarrassed to appear in front of co-workers. Like that “Bring Your Dad to School” when fascinated with kindergarten recess, as we kids want to show off our pride and joy. When we kids were learning to play nice, there came “Pet Rat Day” and “Favorite Toy Day” wherein that 2-minutes claim to fame was that center stage of attention for the moment. So, I am glad that Rex Tillerson’s Fucking Moron sees the potential in a special day for the “good ol’ boys”. The motto for this day of recognition comes from Mr. Trump himself, “when I come home and dinner's not ready, I go through the roof." Now there have come rumors that grotesque like bone-chilling screams for help accompanied by cursing can be heard early mornings from the White House, akin to what was once heard from the “Allegheny Lunatic Asylum”, even though full Aunt Jemima maid service comes with the Oval Office territory and that is better than meals-on-wheels. But unto those that have a habit at “spousal abuse”, it doesn’t matter if every hair is in place the victim - as such maniacs that thrive on dishing out this kind of abuse need to get out that frustration and delivering blows that surface as a “blackeye” seems to be a passion. It marks the territory like when a dog urinates! I suppose we need a special day of recognition for sexual abuse, as didn’t an ex-trophy hunted wife with “Big Phony Tits” talk about the Moron trying to induce rape? OK, February 9th covers it all and in concert with the tradition of “Woman is the Nigger of the world”, as John Lennon tried to inform us many, many moons ago yet we still don’t get it. The fact that “Spousal Abuse” is still vogue…Now the Moron talks about “FAKE NEWS”, for real he thinks his pea-brain knows the difference. How many times did he appear on the World-Wide Enema stage of entertainment? Look, “Big Time Wrestling” is the Ponzi scheme extraordinaire of “FAKE” and every time I see the Rock I cringe, and it finds testament of how we ended up with a Moron that has access not only to Hollywood, but the “Nuclear Football”. Remember, the Rock sniffed Rikishi Stinkface’s big ass, live coverage of face sitting from a Linda McMahan ringside-seat and broadcast on the FOX entertainment network - now that was probably the only time “FAKE was for real. The Rock’s mug was just too damn close Rikishi’s anal hole for comfort. I gag when I see this kind of filth - that we have a faction of society that enjoys even stuff that isn’t “FAKE” but approaches “Reality”. Honestly, I was at an event during the Stock Market “crash” and the Rock was an invitee and all I could smell was “shitface”. See, that mentality of the “FAKE” defines the Moron-in-Thief’s fanbase, its entertainment and nobody really gets hurt and that’s how his supporters think - that what Trump is doing is all “FAKE” so “give it up” as it is humorous, and nobody gets hurt as it’s all pre-staged fun. Really? Which means all talk and no action - damn it, maybe there is something to this mindset, that it’s “FAKE” as far as that blackeye can see. And DOA, the Moron’s “FAKE” infrastructure plan of attack. I mean tuning into FOX News, it is no different than wasting time watching Vince McMahon get a haircut by the Moron himself. Here it is in a nutshell. The only way to pay for new roads and bridges and this “crap” about “Privatizing” the infrastructure, does that mean “Tolling” now becomes “Trolling”? But for those interested in more “FAKE”, the plans on the Moron’s scribble drawing board to be unveiled today - just 3-days after celebrating the first “Abuse Your Spouse Recognition Day” - we will hear about a Moronunrealistic 10-year project projected to cost $1300-Billion baby boomer dollars. But Uncle Sam is getting stood-up, as only a pittance of that “Grand Torino Scam Slam” will come from “welfare”, some $200-Billion which accounts for only 15% of this plan? That’s right - as in reality and not “FAKE”, Uncle Sam is abandoning the “infrastructure” kissing it goodbye. Let’s face it, the wealthy don’t use the highways and the byways, they enjoy the jet-ski class of travel - LUXURY limo to LUXURY “Lolita Express” jet setting. I started off calling it a “Drawing Board” plan, and that’s as far as this “FAKE” beast will go - Dead On Arrival. Ever notice how the Moron’s Oval Office desk is so tidy? I honestly believe the Moron uses an “Etch-a-Sketch” as a ways and means to legislate - no paper, no pens, and fits neatly in the middle draw of his desk and easily erasable with no “finger prints”. As any effort for this “Infrastructure” plan to actually work, it would mean another prayer for a payer provided plan of assistance and that means a state would have to raise the gasoline tax, your state income tax and all that fluff with the Moron’s “Tax Reform” helping out the masses, it is by far the best of the best in FAKE as it will soon be spoiled! And you thought milk spoiled fast! And want to compare some notes, Barack Obama stood against “Spousal Abuse”, so did Michelle. Where in hell is that Moron’s immigrant trophy wife, why has she been so damn quiet the recent events that which indicates the Moron’s cabinet is in the dark ages? Sometimes abusers fear for their lives and remain so silent. And with an infrastructure plan by the Moron and about to extend the laughter, just compare the Moron’s plan with Obama’s “American Recovery & Reinvestment Act”, that won’t fake you out as today it is a success story and what is fueling the economy on the rise still. So if that road you live on needs snow removal, well once under the Moron’s “DOA Infrastructure Plan” it means grab a shovel, else many a states’ income taxation will be on the rise, and it will become ugly. Yet, Big Phony Tits aside, after only a single term of endangerment it is very easy to decipher what we have at the helm of a ship on a crash course with doom. First and foremost, the entire GOP Congress should be held in contempt as the U.S. Constitution is under siege. But the Moron’s sentiment finds credibility in the fact that if you are but a low-life wage earning worker-bee and never made it to the $millionaires$ to $billionaires$ club, then he views you as a failure as this is the “Land of Opportunity”. The sad fact, he only thinks he has been successful in business, in actuality he knows he has failed miserably but will not under any circumstances face the music, that his father Fred made a mistake in picking Donald to run the “Trump Tower” and the old man should have listened to Fred junior instead!

Sunday, February 11, 2018

The $2-Million-a-Minute Prostitute

OK it’s official! Donald John Trump, a.k.a. Moron-in-Thief because he is stealing away our Independence Day sovereignty and has an Access Hollywood Mnunchkin guarding the Treasury, finally finds success. With bragging rights, a scary-story feather in his make-over Pocahontas hairdo after that 1st term of endangerment! How many close calls with that Nuclear Football? I am glad Tom Brady wasn’t invited to the White House after Super Bowel LII, I was afraid Donald would try to pass the “Nuke” in a Hail Mary play - just being boys! For real though, success with the 45th at silencing 62979879 American Turncoats and that includes 293 members of the 115th United States of the Eunuch Congress! SILENCE, is golden an ingredient in the greed upon which Fascism flourishes. I have figured out a new way for Uncle Sam to fill the U.S. Treasury, a tax like fine on “voter” incompetency. Take that number above, of the silenced minority, and multiply it by pennies on the dollar then levy a fine - the Moron can then get all the 2-for-1 specials at McDonalds enough to fill his arteries with concrete. See, we don’t need Mafia boots, as this Moron is his own worst enemy and I have already placed an over-the-counter pharmacy bet his health will fail before the Stock Market comes tumbling down. I never dreamed of such odds! The only problem, it is a one-sided bet and every-body is getting in on the action. So even with such good call options, the payoff sucks yet unlike the current DOW, at least it’s a guaranteed ROI. Back to the APB person of interest as there is a crime in progress, right now as we debate, at the Mnunchkin Man Treasury! Instead of performing that “sworn to oath” duty to guard against intruders, just too many Big Phony Tits opportunities! How come the last two weeks’ Stock Market trending looks so much like a repeat, like when Ken Lay’s ENRON empire collapsed? And I thought Mad-dog Bernie Madoff was put away in solitary and his vehicle of destruction - the Charles Ponzi roadster - blasted away by Elon Musketeer? Wolf of Wall Street was quarantined, wasn’t she? I believe today we may have the “Skunk of Con Men” entering the equation of concern this epic economic “WALL” melodrama on life support! OK, everybody keeps saying DON’T PANIC, as the “Trump Tower” is not a limp phallic symbol and this is all just a natural erectile dysfunction cycle, causing headaches and bleeding ulcers amongst traitors, I mean traders! That dollar sign in the “Heading” of this puzzle-piece indicates how fast this nation’s deficit debt is increasing. OK, to call-out the seriousness in this nation’s debt “Crisis”, snapshot for every kid born today it means an IOU to Mnunchkin that could have purchased an MD degree if not forfeited for waste-not-want. And what it means in Simple Simon terms, with that first breath of air outside the womb there comes a cry of “Bankruptcy”. Yet at the same damn time we have a “Corporate America” robbery happening before our very own eyes and ears and it stinks. But remember silence is... Here is my take on “Corporate America is a Person”. Start a military draft, send the CEOs into the theater to see what kind of “Made in America” crap our troops deal with - no not the enemy but why in hell does a rocket launcher cost so much? Honestly, we could save $billions$ if we purchased armaments from Vladimir Putin! This nation - courtesy of the US Taxpayers taken for a ride - spends 10x the global average GNP on this WAR machine madness, because the Corporatized Military Machine sets the pace of the “bang for the buck”. So what this fascination and concern about the Congress reneging on funding government, and always using the troops as a fodder excuse to spend more - look the troops in boots is but a mere fraction of what we get in return for spending a boat load to, well to man the “Killing Fields”! Why do you think Trump became friends with the Russian Mafia, it’s cheaper than a Gotti Saturday Night Special! Look, if you are NOT one of those “Silenced” and believe WAR is a necessity, I have a candidate you should vote for come 2020 and likes men that take a liking to spousal abuse. But with the Traitor & Turncoat GOP sales pitch “Tax Reform”, it isn’t just the caving in of a taxable “Corporate” income rate from 35% to 21%, it is the “Re-patriation” of $2.6-Trillion in offshore whoring that now finds a “Tax Rate” of…bum roll please, a whooping 12% “Take it or Leave It” this one-time deal of “We the People” must like fool’s gold specials! So “Corporate America” received all these reductions and what we are not seeing is comparable “wage increases” across the board. That’s what happens when you get rid of the “Union”! All this hullabaloo baloney with Trump calling out that his “Tax Reform” is increasing the worker wage was in reality due in part a new year with new “minimum wage” requirements placed into effect, by states not Uncle Sam. And why just a bunch of one-time wage-earning bonuses with this Corporate giveaway? Because, wage increases find the FAKE-OUT that it will fuel inflation - but in reality, the Corporate mandate is too use all the tax rebating masturbation legislation to buy back stock - it is basically another way to offshore wealth and through such a ritual of buying that stock, it allows maintained control as the majority stock-holder has the final say. So that’s what’s happening, “Corporate America” taking control and by Uncle Sam lending a helping hand to pursue this “By Back” option, no money goes into the infrastructure! So, this nation no longer has a revenue stream that can maintain Melania’s “Mar-a-Lago” Spa bill. One thing for sure, when it is all said and done hopefully by tomorrow evening, we will engage in debate to re-write the Founding Fathers’ Constitution, to at least place some restrictions on Moronism. Is the Stock Market healthy, the “Silence of the Lamb” finds the answers. And the real Sad Sack of shit about this Trump economic torture, I have included the growth charts and it is so easy to see that this nation is strong today economically due what was left behind by Barack Obama, and the real sad fact upon Fascism ticking closer to swallow Democracy, Trump is giving it all away to the few!

Friday, February 9, 2018

Coprophilia + Urophilia

Coprophilia + Urophilia = Trumponomics - The sky is falling again…please don’t panic get used to it! But it appears as though that brick thrown at the GOP’s picture perfect glass window by Chuck Schumer was a direct penetrating hit, ouch, and what makes this “breach” awesome is the fact the brick was accompanied by a “stinkbomb” thrown by an unknown accomplice. From the security video, damn it looks like the “Phantom Shitter”, a.k.a. ousted House Speaker John Boehner. Imagine, Schumer and Boehner running around D.C. at night like hoodlums, bricks and stinkbombs in hand to disrupt the GOP tranquility. The DOW down some 600-points now 800-points now “HOLY SHAT” 1000-points at closing as the 115th Congress votes on going broke by increasing this nation’s debt beyond any ceiling limits. Look, the DOW is trying to tell Congress don’t do it! Without limits, it means turning our sovereignty inside out upside down! Where does the GOP turn for cover? Good thing for Mormons, as the more the merrier 15-kids or more to distribute this “incoming” debt, even for the unborn. Amazing that kids born today under the Red-White-Blue and for the next 100-years will awake for the 1st time sign of light and be asked to sign an IOU! See, the volatility in the stock market is a planned attack and based on the more “debt” also the merrier for a chosen few deep in wealth. That’s what Donald John Trump feels as his “Ace in the Whore Hole” best hand at making a legacy for himself, besides that of a Fucking Moron! He thinks being a bankrupt magnate is vogue! And wait there’s more, as Big Phony Tit whores love those that spend beyond their means! But when there are losers, there exists a faction that picks up the pieces and, well the rich get richer at every down throb of Mr. Dooda Dowdrop. The U.S. Treasury is broke, at bankruptcy foreclosure but that doesn’t mean one will ever see a “Closed” sign and that is the reason that the Congress will vote today to lift all limits on “debt”, as the China Syndrome finds new progress upon a new target…you know what that is all about. See, the reason the DOW is a roller coaster today, it has to do with this nation’s debt - as today the Treasury is broke and must borrow money to maintain the Trump erection. It does that through “Corporate Taxation” and worker-bee income taxation and shoring up government spending deficits by selling bonds with a jealous yield. And with “Corporate Taxation” now but a drop in the bucket, bonds, bonds and more bonds as you can only get so much blood out of the worker-bee turnip seed! And bonds, being not a risk unlike Enron stock and a long-term investment strategy with pitiful returns, it was more or less reserved for the Proletariat class of working America - the hourly wage earners that built this nation once so strong with Patriotism. See, today we are dumfounded what being a “Patriot” amounts to! Patriotism does not have a cesspool isle between US. See, when the Taxman had permission to collect a 35% ass-reaming against the “Corporation is a Person”, due “KY Street” loopholing, the actual tax assessment circling the gravy train was more like 15% - Mitt Romney educated US on how that works. And when the Congress under a Moron without a hint released the gravy train with only a 21% burden, well Simple Simon math equates the actual taxation at only 9% as the loopholes remained. It means that “Corporation is a Person” gets by like a freeloading whore, which means you and I will pay out 3x as much! And that “Corporate Taxation” from income unbecoming a Patriot, it isn’t enough loot to even pay for the increased procurement of Toilet Paper required by the White House. Yes, Donald Trump delivers “Twitter” when upon the “Shitter”, you figure out how must stall time he gets for abuse upon the 1st Amendment right. And the White House medical staff is required to monitor “crapper” time as a function of the 45th’s health. According to reliable sources, he is not wasting time watching FOX as the FAKE news tries to advertise, he spends most of his time flushing. So, not much in “Corporate” taxes allowed and Uncle Sam takes a “Lousy Hat” as collateral, it means somebody has to pay Paul Ryan’s way. So, sell bonds at an incredible yield which means at a discount, as with the limits a thing of the past, heavy handed hedgehog investors are reaping the benefits of a Sad Sack Uncle Sam! The Treasury would be safer under ISIS control! So, what best fits the Moron’s economic plan? Call it Trumponomics, and best defined as “We the People” shat upon and at the same time “We the People” pissed upon, and this “debt” is a noose around US and some are laughing wildly all the way to that offshore bank account with a namesake that sounds like a Russian whore! Trumponomics, coprophilia and urophilia combined! Are Russian whores that good?

Thursday, February 8, 2018

WANTED: G-men Hacker

Qualifications: Plymouth Rock Me Inc., is looking for a “Geek Hacker” that is familiar with U.S. government procurement of toiletries. We are especially interested in an individual that can remotely backdoor into the White House and Congressional procurement systems. Candidate must be able and willing to “Hack” the computer systems that are used to purchase toilet paper for the 1st Family, the Oval Office executive staff and the GOP Congressional offices and at the same time leave all other procurement requests unadulterated. Plymouth and its COO realizes that it would be tempting to change other procurements, like beef patty orders with vege-burgers, but we are only interested in controlling the “Stinkfinger” of the current political challenges. So only those applicants with serious commitment this goal need only apply. Once hacked, it will be your responsibility to manipulate the ongoing orders for Toilet Paper, making sure that only 1-PLY is allowed to be ordered and delivered to both the White House and the GOP offices of Congress. Continuing success at this critical position will mean constant vigilance to monitor any changes by either the House and or White House house cleaning staff for purchases of 2-PLY or luxury bottom wipe. The intent of this position is NOT to cut down on government spending but for reasons that are “Stinking Confidential”.

Preference: Russian Whore or close affiliation with Vladimir Portnoy Putin

Plymouth Rock Me Inc. is an EEO