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Monday, March 2, 2015

Netanyahu Draft Speech


From the office of Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu ~ Prepared speech before the United States Congress, March 3rd, 2015.

Now as John Boehner probably told you, my name is Binyamin Netanyhu and I am Prime Minister of Israel. So, let me give you a little bit of a scenario of what my life is all about. First up, I am 65 years old. I am divorced and I live in a van down by the river. Thought they'd have my dairy-air replaced by one of them store mannequins, well maybe I'm not "the norm". I'm not "camera friendly", I don't "wear clothes that fit me", I'm not a "heartbreaker", I haven't had "sex with a woman", I don't know "how that works", I don't "fall in line", I'm not "hygienic", I don't "wipe properly", I lack "style", I don't have "self-esteem", I have no "charisma", I don't "own a toothbrush", I don't "let my scabs heal", I can't "reach all the parts of my body", when I sleep I sweat profusely. But I guess the powers that be will keep signing my pay check until Jack and Jane K. Jewer start to go for the remote so they can get back to commentators who don't "frighten children", who don't "eat their own dandruff", who don't "pop their whiteheads with a compass they used in high school". So screw you Mr. Obama!

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