Books & Writings by SPam McGee

Alaska Short Stack Stories, Series I, II, & III ~ Alaska's Deadliest Sin-Drill Baby Drill ~ Alaskan Company Man ~ Eklutna Lake Worrier ~ From the Fifth Floor ~ Hannah Cove ~ My Journey to Landes House ~ Poemetrics ~ Quinn the "Tanik" Eskimo ~ S.O.S. from Beaver Lake ~ The Teachings of the Swamp Fox ~ Trans-Alaska-Pipeline Funny Stories ~ Spirit Dog & the Ghost Wind

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Saturday, March 14, 2015

How Un-Clever Others!


So some guy was attacked by a Montana bear and is now trying to sell a practical joke! Really, I have been in a close encounter with a “Brown Bear”, an Alaskan bear. It happens too quick for almost anything but pure “Luck” to be able to once again see the light of day and believe in a tomorrow. Yet bear spray is better then trying to get a bullet off that counts with a hip hop shot. Look, many hunters are good at long range sighted in heart-stopping shots. To draw a sidearm when a bear is already so close you realize it has tooth decay - from the bad breath breathing down your back - there ain't no time to get a shot off, not before human blood thrashing is in effect. I've been there, stay calm, stay collected, stay cool, then shit your pants! And when push comes to shove...run! Said again, it is “luck” that means an injury or a happy ending. So this guy wants to equip a back-pack with a ripcord “bear spray” system! That shoots a fog from the back side only? Here's the problem, you usually don't even hear something coming. So turn around and aim, maybe this system needs like a bike mirror! So, ring around the rosy pocket full of...well just blast the bastard but then when you get turned around, you pass out as you end up right in the line of that defense. Said again, I survived a close encounter, by keeping my cool. I usually carry the “bomb”, as it is a quick defense for getting that one shot off quick, but a one-directional back-pack? Here's the key to success with bear spray. When I go hiking, that cannister is stuffed in my hoody front pocket, with a hand on the grenade. It's a millisecond trigger unloading – it's called being prepared! So to Mr. Ingenuity, maybe that idea will work. But it would be better to fill that pack with a giant blow-up doll, pull the cord and a cannister of high pressure nitro-blast instantly creates a giant “ANNIE” - 10 feet tall, and with poor eye-sight, the bear will then shit in his path on the retreat. I've tried the “Giant” it works, especially with an “Annie” redecorated the looks of Mama Moose. Yes, Sarah Palin scares the bears away like no end, and everything else in the path including fishermen. And this method doesn't require a line of sight, just a “Big Ugly” balloon inflated quickly, as bears fear creatures bigger then themselves and many Alaskans fear...And you can't do that with a back-pack type system as proposed by this lucky individual that has been attacked, in fact it is probably dangerous when hiking with a group. Bottom-line, it is luck that saves that you know what....or when Sarah Palin arrives unexpectedly!

Deplorable Blow-Up Doll Bear Protection Backpack
  ~ Under Test ~

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