What "Big Wildlife"?

So you have planned out that adventure to Alaska – a time consuming and exhaustive endeavor 15-years in the making and now that you and the wife have retired, time to make the big trip as you have enough disposable retirement income that you can afford to splurge. So what that the grand-kids will not see any Christmas presents for the next 10-years. Hey a T-shirt will do...especially one that has Sarah's famed lipshot mugshot, “I Chokcha”! So in preparation the “Big Wildlife” trip, you have watched more movies and historicals and read through so many pamphlets that you know this will indeed be a trip of a lifetime. You have saved every penny, and finally you have made it to Alaska, the “Last Frontier”. How much for a hamburger? Where's the wilderness? What you mean it's unsafe to walk downtown without a gun? Hey, that's not a real moose, its fake? Ever wonder why tourists coming here get upset when they see no wildlife and the clouds around Denali are so low and so thick that it makes it appear as if summer had retreated or never even showed up? How much for a fishing trip? For one pole? How much for a sweatshirt or stadium blanket, as we are freezing! Look, the weather is controlled by many factors here in Alaska, especially around that “Big Mountain” that finds tourists flocking about to get a glimpse – of clouds. Want too see the mountain's top, stay home and watch a National Geographic special, as your chances of seeing the top up close with a clear day finds about as good a chance as winning a super-lottery or Hillary becoming president. And tourists are always complaining about not seeing a bear, a wolf, a...so have thousands of pictures of rabid squirrels that show signs of “Glitter Gulch” leprosy. Look the animals have gotten smarter over the years, so avoid the dust creating tourists' bus routes into the national park. And those hell-tours for the uppity-up tourists, well animals can hear distress signals so get spooked when they sense the whirly birds coming and run for cover. As in the off-season, these choppers are used for machine gun toting bandits that mow down the bears and wolves in a very unfair chase, and when they stop for lunch and land on the ground, they throw deadly chemicals into the wolf dens, to kill every living thing there is in close proximity. They get paid to perform this Helter Skelter cowardly act! And it pollutes the water ways, as these deadly toxins designed to kill the pups by poising the tit milk, well fish die! And the animals around the park entrance, they know that the famed musher poacher Jeff King may be scouting them out, so have moved way far away and out of harms way. Now the wardens will trap a live moose and let it go at the popular tourists' checkpoint at the “Glitter”, but it is estimated that it will get shot within 10-minutes of being set free, because Don Young lets us carry loaded firearms everywhere. In fact some locals have started a “pool”, yes place a wager on when Molley Moose will get her eyes blown out from a close-range shooting spree. “Hey, that was my moose too shoot”! So the animals are as elusive as is the top of that mountain. Said again, just stay home and watch a per-fabricated nature show that shows it all. It was a classical gas that the schools in Fairbanks were delayed to open this year, as many of the bus drivers said screw the minimum wage cut-throat non-union “privatized” bus companies and stayed on at the park – as independent CD bus drivers. Plus one can collect tips from the tourists, for washing the windows along the 90-mile boring bus ride with no wildlife in sight – only giant mosquitoes. I was on a bus along the Denali route once upon a time, it was raining and blowing, a typical day, and the bus ride was like being alive in a moving cave - as the mud slinging had formed this concrete like barrier engulfing the entire bus. What wildlife? Hey what windows, as you couldn't see anything. And when a window was forced open because tourists believe being in this state allows for free-farting, one finds a wall of hardened mud. Even the “Emergency Evacuation” window was useless in efforts to get fresh air. Must be that airline food they eat on the way up here. And every-time the bus driver would stop, people were so in a hurry to get off the bus, it was like a stampede. Taking pictures of nothing, maybe passing wind! But when “nothing” is all there is, it suffices. I see it all over the lower-48. Tonight, Don Young invites you to see his Alaska trip pictures of “Nothing”! And you thought “Bridges to Nowhere” were entertaining. I feel sorry for tourists, as this trip to Alaska must be a big rip-off disappointment. But they never go there, as that would indicate defeat, that the 49er wilderness is indeed mean spirited – it is! Every one always says the trip was, well the jury is still out. It's like being shell-shocked. It takes years before people are honest about their opinions, on their trip to Alaska. A recent poll indicated that a majority of tourists regret spending so much money for so little in return. “Gee, I could have seen more on a 59-cent video!” Now getting back to the minimum wage bus drivers that refused to work to allow the schools to open on time. See, the new park super decided to increase the bus traffic and allow for a longer season at Denali, since there are no animals around, why not increase the amount of buses so you can collect a ransom from and piss off a whole lot more people. Hey, they are only here once in a lifetime so no sweating the rage and anger – and remember, loaded guns! What really pisses off the tourists is the Alaska Railroad. No not because it gives the KOCH brothers an illegal “Transport Credit”, a “credit” that must be paid for by someone. And since Alaskans know better – and avoid using the Bill Sheffield express – the tourists get stiffed with the bill. I joke with travelers that one can purchase a round-trip plane ticket from Anchorage to Fairbanks and rent a car and drive to Denial National Park, cheaper then a train fare, and save 3-hours of precious vacation time. And by going south from the north, one can avoid going through “Felonyville”, where the misfit Wasillabillies are furloughed. You thought “Deliverance” was bad, try driving through Wasilla, better have a gun or bear spray! But the faded wildlife scene is something that is very troublesome and bothersome. There is something seriously wrong and the fish and feather folk are being very quiet. There is something seriously wrong with the caribou herds up north. Gone are the thousands upon thousand of migrating herds that for years had tromped across the tundra. I have traveled the haul road from the Yukon River to Prudhoe Bay for years, but to drive that road today - once a lonely road - to see not a single caribou, it is very disturbing. Maybe it's the fact that road is now used for racing and TV shows not fit for anything “civil”. See, some idiots with a TV camera – because Alaska offers filming tax credits – they brave this country to try and make a name for themselves. And they employ local idiots to help out in this shameless attack on what Alaska is really all about. Some guy named “Pork Chop Breath”, along with “MoanaLisa”, what a bunch of misfits. I am glad that the oil companies have constructed a barricade up North to stop this Bozo Circus in its tracks. See, these clowns can get to Deadhorse, that is it. In fact, I understand that the security check-points have armed guards on duty with a list of the “Biggest Alaskan Idiots”, as they don't want some history buffs trying to make fun of “Big Oil” up north. Look, the worse thing that ever happened is opening up of the “Haul Road” to outsiders. At one time in history, when Alaska was still fit to be considered a challenging wilderness for “True Alaskan”, that road was off limits to non-residents. For a reason. See Jay “Bush-Rat” Hammond knew what it meant, to open it up the wilderness to idiots with cameras and loaded firearms. Disaster ring a bell? Anyway, what I am getting at is this sad fact of the matter that the caribou population is crashing and nobody is alarmed. Maybe due the fact that pressure from the “Great White Hunter” lobby has forced the state to eradicate beyond decency the wolf population, that is it in a nutshell as too why the caribou population is dying off - in droves. A healthy “wolf” population is a requirement for a healthy caribou population. But when the Fish & Feather board is a bunch of Palin misfit appointees, that believe laws are for others to obey – get the point? See when the wolves were re-introduced into Yellowstone, it was a godsend, as it was quickly learned that a healthy wolf population allows for a healthy game population. Yes, the thinning of the wildlife by a healthy wolf pack encourages more herd headcounts – which means more hunting opportunities. Don't you get it? But in Alaska, with poison and machine guns, this state is under the gun to kill off the wolfs, poison the pups, and in the end we will be left with a scorched earth wilderness – an Armageddon success. Alaska has changed, maybe for the good, maybe for the bad, who am I to say as the jury is still out. It was just a matter of time before the “White Man” invited in the sickness that has proven to devastate normalcy else-wheres. But it ain't the same anymore. What caved Alaska in towards a destructive mindset of a “waste not want” mentality was the PFD, that slimy little nibble that proves “welfare” is KING. I give Sarah credit, as she was the only one that had the balls to hand out an “energy” credit to help cushion the blow of over-inflated energy, so we could heat our homes, even though 99% of that handout was foolishly spent at Best Butt. And energy wasn't always a problem here in the 49er. Not until we were invaded by outsiders. Enstar used to be a good outfit under the Seagull, until SEMCO showed up. Hey, why did they pay Ben $70k? Let them answer that. And when Williams operated the refinery in North Pole, the price of refined fuel was reasonable. Then the Koch suckers showed up! It is amazing when we see the “Hate” toward BP, when at the same time the Koch brothers do everything in their power to bring down this nation. Honestly, a foreign company a better “citizen” entity then a company that has roots here. Anyway, as the caribou die off so “White” CEO's from the Native Corporations can have their game along with their 7-figure salaries, it amounts to a big game of importers being played out here in Alaska. To bad we couldn't go back in time. Statehood should never been approved for Alaska. This land would have been better off to leave well enough alone, keep it a territory locked up for the most part, maybe allow for oil development - but keep people away. It ain't oil that is a problem, its “People”! So a warning to future interests by so-called tourists thinking about a trip to Alaska. Want to see wildlife, go to the Grand Tetons or Yellowstone. In fact, just drive across Route 80, through Nevada - you'll see a whole lot more there then here. Like wild horses, that can drag me away from here, as things have changed toward the worst. I am glad that I had the opportunity to live in Alaska when it was still wild, when people cared, about tomorrow! My recommendation, stay home and if you must visit, consider “concealing” your true memories.