Thank You Fairbanks

I was visiting Fairbanks and want to thank the sponsors of “Our Town” for a very special “Stage Night” out. See, I an elderly and have not a lot of disposable income, so exist on a limited budget. No way can I find enough extra cash to ride the Alaska Railroad during the normal summer schedule, so rely on “Off Peak” hours wherein due the funding that Casey Jones Sheffield gets from Uncle Sam, I can ride the rail at half-price – how much? And we bad mouth the Amtrak. Yes, only in Alaska are “Off Peak” hours in the winter. But little did I know that I would get stuck in Fairbanks, for an entire week as once the train roared out of town and headed south, little did I realize it would be the next weekend before I could return. So I had to rent a hotel, and live on cat food. It's been years since I visited this interior city, as I lived here during construction of the Trans-Alaska-Pipeline – so that tells you how old I am! And all those real life “muggings” in the streets, all part of the tourist “make it look real” trade I guess, like a real gun-slinging town, showing Fairbanks still the rough and tough town it was once famed. But the nice conductor that told me the bad news, about the train a no-show accept once a week - or some guy dressed up like one - he gave me a free ticket for the “Our Town's Theater Night”. Which was good, because the only place I could afford was some flea-bitten monkey-hooker hotel that was damn cold, the walls constantly shaking like a continuous earthquake and awful loud screams from every which way but loose - so at least the theater gave me enough body heat to digest the cat food. But it was a great stage drama, called “Dumb & Dumber”. All Alaskans should take advantage of the Alaska Railroad “half-fare” and go up north to see this spoof. It is a real skit, about an actual conflict here in Fairbanks, happening today! “Dumb” portrays some state outfit that wants to liquefy natural gas in Prudhoe Bay and then haul it by truck, down that Dalton Highway. When I was a young whiskey-snapper, I helped build that road, it ain't for trucks armed to the gills with explosive cargoes. So the flick got to the point about the “Dumb” aspect of this project. But why not make a joke out of a joke. Then I realized that it was not a joke, as somebody is actually paving the way for this project, which brings in “Dumber” to Scene II. Yes, “Dumber” portrays the IGLU – Interior Gas Losers Utility – which thinks it can find even “Dumber then Dumber” membership, to sign up to buy natural gas at twice the cost of any other kind of heat. Then the entire stage scene changes, and now “Dumb” is the Golden Valley Electric Association's “Board of Directors”, and the “coop” members taking on the roll of the “Dumber”, for allowing the utility to pay outrageous salaries to its executive branch, when the customers are raped for electricity at 211% the national average. Then the scene changes again, this time around “Dumb”, well it looks like Sarah Palin and “Dumber”, Senator John McCain. Wow, then we see Don Young as “Mr. Dumb” and those that voted him back in, well fit as “Mr. Dumber”. And this goes on all night. Too bad it ended, as there was probably a hundred more “Dumb & Dumber” routines fit for the role playing. So thanks again, for such a comic time night out. And on the way back to the hooker hotel, some guy tried raping me, using an Oosik - just part of the Fairbanks theme – all in good fun. But soon it was time to take the train back to Anchorage. Along the way we stopped and picked up a bunch of “Looney Goons”, this new generation that lives “Off the Grid” - talk about “Dumb & Dumber” divided by “zero”! Whatever happened to Alaska? Maybe we need border protection, as we have hit no-pay dirt, with the “Dumb & Dumber” that have taken over. From outside politicians to outlandish politicians. This young generation, they cannot belong to us, as evolution would not be that cruel. But when you see years and years of abuse by a “Corrupt Bastard Club” mentality, wherein with us or against us reigns supreme, what else do you expect? At least the Alaska Railroad could offer “half-fares” in the summer, as what in hell does Casey Jones define as “Off Peak”? Sad, when Amtrak finds a better reputation for serving the needs of the citizens.....