Brown Bear

OK, some fun news from Juneau, Alaska’s capital murder capitol and origin of the Corrupt Bastard mentality. Really, the way the representatives murder this state’s constitution and find ways to murder the permanent dividend money for “crap”, it is very close to murder. And when Ted or Don or MonaLisa show up to give words of advice, the idiots on the “Hill” take it all in with a smile. The Three Stooges - at least Ted and Don - should be banned form giving advice. Why? They are under investigation for giving advice! And what does MoanaLisa have to offer up as advice, accept if it is land swindling we are into. Why is it called “permanent” when the politicians control it? Murder: To spoil or botch, as in performance. Anyway, House Farce Bill 387 stipulates that a telephone utility may distribute only one set of phone books to a household each year. It is referred to as the Big “Berta” bill. Wow, don’t the crocks down in Juneau have anything better to do then worry about phone book distribution and the waste from such when trashed doesn’t help at saving landfill space? Accordingly, Representative Berta Gardner has this pet peeve about coming home and finding at least “nine” phone books stacked up at her front door. And she feels guilty for having to trash the address books. “If I throw them in the trash, I feel guilty. By golly, I am going to do something about it”! Whoopee do-dah. First and foremost, each phone company is in competition, as that is still allowed under the ways and means of commerce. So each company publishes a phone book. As a paying customer, each and every one is allowed the white pages on top of the yellow pages. And when you consider that there exists about a dozen phone companies in and around Anchorage, all somehow or another using another’s infrastructure, this bill would allow not just “nine” of the 5-inch books to stack up at each household, but more like “24”, so shut-up Gardner! And get this. I don’t ever read the phone books. It is just as easy nowadays to look up a phone number on-line, as long as one is hooked-up to the Ted Stevens’ tube central. If you are not, ask Ted for a handout. Anyway, when the books show up, I take them to the recycle place. In fact, when the books are distributed, the recycle outfit guys place an entire dumpster for the yellow and white. By the weekend, it is totally filled up. So, if guilty, just take the “crap” to the recycle place. In fact for politicians, it is a great place to mingle with constituents, as long as one is not a republican. Rumor has it that republicans would rather not recycle but fill up the dumps. See, landfills are becoming an alternative energy source. Yes indeed, years of phone books are breaking down and supplying methane gas at rates that are affordable for electrical generation. So, either way, landfill or recycle, what is such a bother that it requires wasting time with supporting a new house bill? So I will continue to throw the yellow and white to the recycle guys. And I continue to use my computer to find a business address, or keep an update on friends and relatives’ phone numbers. And with quick search capabilities, it is really easy to no longer rely on a phone book for addresses or phone numbers. And what is with the phone books anyway? The damn font is so damn small it is discriminatory for the aging. In fact, maybe I can go hi-tech and get one of those phone hook-ups on my computer, through the on-board modem and initiate instant dialing. In fact, I think I will surf the Internet for available software that offers everything I need to make address files and capable of auto-dialing my representatives. Hey, I like to support Alaskan made and sold products. And what is this? Just what I was looking for! There is this outfit called Brown Bear Software. It is a local outfit that provides programs wherein you will never have to open up a phone book again. Just throw the white and yellow out back and someday you can generate electricity. So maybe that is what is behind this House Bill authored by Berta. Go hi-tech and forget the waste of time letting your fingers do the picking no more. Hold please, I have a call coming in on my computer. It is Mr. Phineas J. Whoopee. What’s that Mr. Whoopee? According to the 3-D BB Berta is the manager of that software company? No wonder she shows an interest in the Farce Bill! See, stupid me, as I thought it was something good for a change. I guess it is, depending on your position. Ban the phone books and then we will have to buy that software. Imagine that! It is only $35-dollars a pop. Like it has been said over and over again in Juneau, somebody’s pain is another one’s gain. Now this House Farce Bill 330 has me worried. It would appoint a state coordinator to fight invasive plants and “noxious weeds”. Well I must admit something of interest, as I cannot tell a lie. Last year I traveled to the Brooks Range with at least a pound of prime dandelion seeds. That means millions of the little jewels. I distributed them north for at least a hundred miles, from the Endicott mountains to the confluence of the Sag River headwaters, in the low lands where there is good soil and water. Soon the tundra will be filled with yellow blossoms. See, I know the Denali Commission continues to waste taxpayers’ money each season by hiring people to pull the “yellow” weeds from in and around Denali National Park, so the “weed” won’t propagate north. So instead of letting nature do its thing on its own accord, that evolutionary thing, or at least trying to do its own thing on its own but with interference from dandelion haters, I became Johnny Appleseed. Hey lets face the facts. Dandelions have taken over Anchorage. There is no way to stop these beauties from becoming the state flower. And imagine the tundra for miles and miles around bursting with yellow dandelion blossoms. We may be able to start a wine business. In fact, when the seed blossoms are in full bloom and the wind blows, just imagine how beautiful it will look? Like a summertime snowfall. So sorry, as I like dandelions. And I remember singing this song - courtesy of Donovan - as I drove between the mountain ranges letting go my treasure, distributing the ballerina like seeds here, there and everywhere;

They call me mellow yellow, quite right.
They call me mellow yellow, quite right!
Born high forever to fly.
Is gonna be a sudden craze.
Is bound to be the very next phase.
They call it mellow yellow, quite right.
I’m just mad about her.
Oh so yellow, oh so mellow.

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