All Aboard!

I was out at the pirate ship the other evening. If you don’t know what I mean by pirate ship, it is Ted Stevens’ International Airport. How come so many write the editor of the Anchorage Daily Stool demanding that there be a name change to anything that bares the Stevens’ namesake, as the citizens of Alaska have become sick and tired of corrupt politics here in the “Corrupt Bastard” state. Hey, Mark Twain would have had a whole lot of fun with Ted and Don and son Ben. What is this rumor that Ted admits he was a ”bad” dad and this act of contrition to tell the truth instigating the fact that Ben may not be his son and may be Don’s offspring? I heard this “crap” on my answering machine, left by somebody running for assembly. Talk about spin! Anyway, I like the pirate ship and the name. I think we should start naming all kinds of things in dishonor of Ted and Don. Start with dog crap found at the trailheads! Now back to the pirate ship. See, this piece of crap facility was taken over by the pirates way back when it was discovered that the structural beams were built but not built to withstand an earthquake. That is when the pirates realized that this DOT funded facility was a gold rush like rape and pilferage upon the U.S. Treasury and Ted was the pirate extraordinaire to bring in the bacon. Some people call it economics. Here in Alaska it is called “baconomics”. So it meant even more money to bring the odd looking building with masts up to code. It even looks like a pirate ship when fog surrounds the runways. Commercial break. “It is 3:00 am and the phone in the oval office rings. Hi Hillary, this is Monica, Bill is on his way home.” Anyway, we all have to do our duty to help out with the national money crisis. This crisis is caused by energy costs going crazy. Oil over $100 dollars a barrel? Anyway, out at the pirate ship another rip-off continues to soak up money for upkeep, lights and heat. It is the Bill “Nose Bleed” Sheffield Alaska Railroad Depot. It has been used once in 5-years. Anyway, why not just turn off the lights, heat and let it rot? It will never amount to anything useable. And what is this “crap”, again left on my answering machine from an assemblyperson, that Bill wants to use it as a crypt? Damn plane is late, so I have to play games with the sidewalk un-mounted police that patrol the “Active Pickup” lanes at the airline arrival concourse. I don’t like it when the cop on duty is fit. This is where I would rather see an obese cop, as they stay inside when it is cold and one can stay here forever at idle. I could have pulled over at the cell phone waiting lot, but the gangs were getting ready to rumble on, as it was Saturday night - so I wasn’t welcome. I guess it was a case of age discrimination. Ethnicicity doesn’t matter. Really, there were gangs hanging out. But I don’t know what is more of a danger, as the airport police have been known to chase people to Girdwood then shoot to kill, just for a traffic violation. Now a thought came to me. Why not turn the “depot” into a jail. A place of incarceration for the guilty privileged, like Tom and Pete and Vic and soon maybe Ted, Ben and Don. There exists a kitchen in the depot along with rest rooms. Really, all it would take is some steel bars to reinforce the huge picture windows. And these windows provide a showroom display to the travelers using the pirate ship. Live criminals! It could be a great tourist attraction. Besides stuffed wildlife viewing, real live viewing upon your arrival to Anchorage of prisoners that stuffed their back pockets! Talk about the Big Wildlife. What is that, using that slogan is a violation of what? Sue me. And to make things really interesting, the DOT could employ the thugs’ services to clean up the latrines at the pirate ship. The crooks could be paraded to and fro in ball and chain, orange jump suits that advertise, “I was a Corrupt Bastard”. The pirates could be a money making money attraction. And we could give Bill “Nose Bleed” Sheffield another headmasters job, at his crypt. Really, we need to find things that stimulate the economy and tourism is this state’s best bet. Hey, San Francisco has the “Rock”. We have the “Pirate Ship” and the pirates to booty.

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