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Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Flat Tire Forensics

Flat Tire Forensics
Damn, I forgot that Monday is “Columbus Day”. And I had a flat tire being repaired down at the local John, so I best get on my way. Isn’t everything closed on “Columbus Day”? Let’s see. Federal Offices – Most CLOSED. See, the “most” is based on the fact that the FBI must remain open, as Ben is still on the loose. Post Offices: CLOSED. City Traffic Control Ticket Payment Office: Always open. How can this city have over $6-million in outstanding tickets? The sad fact of the matter, it will most likely cost more money to retrieve the outstanding debt. I’ve been trying to get a “jaywalking” ticket ever since the city decided it was more important to “ticket” those that walk for health then to “ticket” shabby road contractors – littering! What’s this? Hey, the Alaska Native Heritage Center - CLOSED. Now is that out of protest? All the other museums remain “OPEN”. Anyway, I retrieved my tire. Wow, prices have escalated, even to fix a flat tire. It is a very lucrative business here in Anchorage, as contractors don’t give a rat’s ass about leaving shrapnel up and done the streets. Really, the pavement over at the refuse transfer station is safer then most of the roads around town! Look around you, what’s with all of the “broken” windshields! It’s from shrapnel on the loose. At one time you could get the glass replaced for about the same price as a tire tube, not anymore. And guess what, that ding will “ding” your coverage, as it is a reportable! So now you get this “flat tire forensic” detail with your repair receipt. That is because one can possibly get the Municipality to pay for it. Really, if you get a flat due to “contractor” crap, send the bill to Mark and you may receive a refund. A smiling doctor told me about this. He learned it from a lawyer friend. Supposedly this lawyer gets a brand new tire every year, so never pays for tires! How interesting. But that is OK, as tires are very expensive these days, especially for a Porsche. Anyway, the official “flat tire forensic” report also provides the evidence. Wow, look at this. It looks like a “bullet” fragment! Really, this is scary. But it isn’t that peculiar, as even the state biologist that looks after the city’s bear population was caught in a drive-by ambush this past year. Sure enough, while returning home from a party he approached an intersection that was now gangland territory, and it was only 11:00pm! And this is in South Anchorage. Whatever happened to Wayne and his “Hillside” vigilante? Now talk about the ganglands in the land of the midnight sun, get this. The contractor hasn’t even painted the road lines on the Abbott Loop makeover and already the gangs have marked their territory. How come the gangs can get the painting done before the snowfalls when at the same time this section of un-marked roadway remains “dangerous”? We should have a betting pool, to see just how long the middle medium strip trees last? The bus stops are marked, with “gang” graffiti, so is the new “Chalet” up amongst the “ballparks”. I don’t know why good news doesn’t make it to the Daily Stool. The “ball” fields are fairly new, so a few are yet to be named in honor of something or another. But somebody made a fake sign and adhered it to the backstop, “Corrupt Bastards Field”. Oh, it wasn’t a joke, so pardon me. Now I remember when this area was wilderness, just a few years ago. The trail-head was nothing but a small and unimproved parking lot. Come Sunday, maybe a few beer bottles would be littering the ground, but all-in-all it was a place out of sight and out of mind to the mindless. Sure, one time some asshole dropped off a 50-gallon drum of used oil. But besides that, it was a safe place to walk, run and bike. Now though, it is a gated park. In fact, a caretaker was hanging out there all summer and is still there. And get this tidbit. School property damage in and around Anchorage was at an all time high this year. For several reasons. See, park officials were providing more “perks” for caretakers then was the Cheerleader. See, parklands are funded by “pork-ears”, so it was that supply and be damned theory again. And since gangs hang out at the school-yard playgrounds, they probably wanted a protection fee from the “caretaker”. Al Capone style justice. Hey, lookout for that baseball bat. Talk about Columbus, what gives with Alaskan “icons” these days? There’s that McCandless guy and Treadwell he didn’t. One was eaten by a bus, the other by an angry bear. Must have something to do with the “wilderness” fascination, B4 U DIE. Then again, there isn’t much of anything else that warrants an “icon” of trust these days in the “Welfare State”. Like our streets - this city’s only viable infrastructure crapped upon by shabby contractors up here to make a quick buck - this state is crapped upon by a political system that seems to have a violent case of “ED”. Take your choice, Explosive Diarrhea or Erective Dysfunction. Erectile, whatever! Maybe the Native Indians were correct in boycotting Columbus Day parades around the country. Alaska should start a new parade, called the “Corrupt Bastards” day parade, wherein the crooks are marched up and down “K” Street. Maybe we can get Tom Delay to be the parade’s Grand Marshal without arms. Maybe when the smoke clears, maybe we can learn from others’ mistakes and one day have an “icon” that we can all be proud about. What’s that I heard? The Federal government is going to spend a whole bunch of taxpayer money to study a mysterious creature. Maybe that “icon’ we need! Now this isn’t a fleecing, but maybe just a means to send more money towards the “Welfare” state. I am sure we are in the running for the “mystery man” pork. Hey that “battleship” built up in Barrow to study ice that is no longer there needs something to waste more money upon. And if this state can spend U.S. Treasury money – I mean waste – to study the penis size of the male musk ox, anything is negotiable. Now who else would be under the microscope of “mysterious” to study, then Alaska’s own “Desperate Delegation”? See, Ted must have secret powers, as his house in Girdwood “mysteriously” found itself increased double in size and nobody knows why or how! And Don, he also has “mysterious” secret powers, as he had an appropriations bill on his desk under seal that was “mysteriously” doctored, to include more taxpayer money abuse. The sad thing, it was supposed to be “pork” money for an “oyster” grove in Alaska and ended up in a “coconut” grove in Florida. And Lisa, she also has “mysterious” powers, like a “palm reader”. See, I went looking for a piece of property down on the Kenai. Couldn’t find anything of interest. But low and behold, Lisa had no problem finding a piece that nobody else wanted, and purchased it for a wheel of a deal. That has to be magic or some kind of telepathy. Anyway, time to change tires as the contractors are on a hustle and bustle schedule to get to Hawaii, so crap is all over the place. Now there is a good icon, “Tar Ball Ted” and he’s rolling, rolling, rolling down a prison yard alley way! See, Prince William’s Sound is still covered with tar balls, and nobody gives a rat’s ass. And that money that Ted sent to the Sea Life Center of controversy, a bunch of that money was used to buy an age-old dilapidated Seward Arcade. Nobody else would buy it from Ted’s friend, as it was an asbestos nightmare, so Ted sent the money north so it could be used to buy more crap. Now the state owns a hazardous waste site, and Ted’s friend is rich. The money could have been used to remove tar balls. Actually, I hope Ted and Don get convicted and then released through a “presidential” pardon. It will just add to the irony that Alaska should have remained a territory, wherein representatives were not included and surely not needed. And in Ted and Don’s case, surely not to be missed for their misuse of ethics!

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1 comment:

Neil said...

Paragraphs are your friend.