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Thursday, February 8, 2018

WANTED: G-men Hacker

Qualifications: Plymouth Rock Me Inc., is looking for a “Geek Hacker” that is familiar with U.S. government procurement of toiletries. We are especially interested in an individual that can remotely backdoor into the White House and Congressional procurement systems. Candidate must be able and willing to “Hack” the computer systems that are used to purchase toilet paper for the 1st Family, the Oval Office executive staff and the GOP Congressional offices and at the same time leave all other procurement requests unadulterated. Plymouth and its COO realizes that it would be tempting to change other procurements, like beef patty orders with vege-burgers, but we are only interested in controlling the “Stinkfinger” of the current political challenges. So only those applicants with serious commitment this goal need only apply. Once hacked, it will be your responsibility to manipulate the ongoing orders for Toilet Paper, making sure that only 1-PLY is allowed to be ordered and delivered to both the White House and the GOP offices of Congress. Continuing success at this critical position will mean constant vigilance to monitor any changes by either the House and or White House house cleaning staff for purchases of 2-PLY or luxury bottom wipe. The intent of this position is NOT to cut down on government spending but for reasons that are “Stinking Confidential”.

Preference: Russian Whore or close affiliation with Vladimir Portnoy Putin

Plymouth Rock Me Inc. is an EEO

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