Books & Writings by SPam McGee

Alaska Short Stack Stories, Series I, II, & III ~ Alaska's Deadliest Sin-Drill Baby Drill ~ Alaskan Company Man ~ Eklutna Lake Worrier ~ From the Fifth Floor ~ Hannah Cove ~ My Journey to Landes House ~ Poemetrics ~ Quinn the "Tanik" Eskimo ~ S.O.S. from Beaver Lake ~ The Teachings of the Swamp Fox ~ Trans-Alaska-Pipeline Funny Stories ~ Spirit Dog & the Ghost Wind

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~ This Machine KILLS Fascists ~

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Big “Alaskan” DUMP


Well it is that time of year again, wherein the mountain climbing artificial ingredient aficionados take a “Big DUMP” and Alaska's once pristine environment gets a makeover. I'm talking about that groupie group of artificial intelligence that believe in the theory their shit don't stink so can commence that yearly ritual of crapping on America. In their wake leaving cesspool central for future generations to contend with! Look, when you have close to a thousand people spending several weeks in close comfort at the U.S. TAXPAYERS' funded “Buttress” base camps up there in close proximity to the McKinley anal hole seepage, hey that's a whole lot of congregational “crap” and that yellow snow, egad what is there of interest spending time in a wilderness latrine? Look, that high up there ain't no workable septic systems, so most of the turds and ass-wipe toilet paper are, well “crevassed” away in bags – but with the poopsayers name, rank and serial number? And with so cold a climate for most of the year, “crap in bags” finds a turnaround half-life cycle of 446-years, twice as long as radio-active Throruim-233. Yes, it's called “environmental littering” and a crime allowed! How come us low life down-to-earth folks must abide by “Carry In Carry Out”? Reminds me of “You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant...they took twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us. Took pictures of the approach, the getaway, the northwest corner the southwest corner and that's not to mention the aerial photography.”, slap the cuffs on those that litter away bags filled with human crap! Imagine, shitting in a bag and stuffing it in a “crevasse”, like is it supposed to act like a time capsule! YUP, assholes were here! OK, so the U.S. Taxpayers are now providing CMCs, “Clean Mountain Cans”, so a climber's crap can keep Iissy's Honey Bucket patrol employed! For real, along with the “cans” provided to climbers on the cheap, there exists today U.S. TAXPAYER toilets that are airlifted to high elevation base camps by the Air National Guard at the rate of $6000 per hour of flying time? Oh, it's categorized as a “Training Mission”, so it comes from the defense budget, not the Trojan turd budget. Here is my take on the crapshoot. Not too long ago, a research team found that “fecal matter” above and beyond the safe limit was everywhere in and around the Mt. McKinley base camps, as so with the “stool samples” taken along the popular climbing routes and with “Global Warming” affecting high elevations also, well that crap was starting to migrate downhill, after years and years of scores and scores of climbers shitting their way to the top of Alaska's highest summit. According to reliable sources, 98% of climbers are affected with gastronomical diarrhea while attempting a climb of the 20000 peak, due unsanitary conditions! Mission Control, we may have another “Love Canal”. OK, enough of the “crap” as a “war” continues on, over the “True” name of the highest mountain in North America. It is about the only thing that I have been in agreement with since Don “Rabid Skunk” Young invaded the “Sense of Congress”, as every time he authors legislation to change the mountain's “official” name back to the original name of “Denali” - to which I favor - he gets heat from cowpie lobbyists from “outside” and McKinley reigns, again and again and again. See, Congressman Young despises “bile paths”, so wants the mountain renamed in honor of the Athabaskan natives that claimed the “Denali” name 10000 years ago. Poops, I meant “bike paths”! See, we could kill two-turds with one stone by allowing the Native Alaskans to regain a claim on the mountain's name. If it were for once officially recognized as “Denali” - the “Great One” - it would then become a sacred peak, off limits to climbers and with that we would get rid of the “crap” and save money wasted away in thin air while ferrying the “crapper” up and down the “Buttress” each season, and not have to payout for those CMCs! Why in hell are the U.S. Taxpayers subsidizing this mountain climbing fantasy? What do we get in return, except crevassed bags of shit. Return on our investment? It stinks! With a name change back to “Denali”, then due the “sacredness” honored by the Athabaskans upon the Mother Earth - hetchetu aloh - and denying permits to piss on the “Great One”, climbing the mountain's famed peak would be banned and why would someone then want to climb to the base camp just to get hit with the Hersey squirts – the enthusiasm would be gone for the “good”! But herein is another reason the name should be respected, given back to the Alaskan natives for safekeeping. From my “accurate” estimates made possible through “Transparency” and “Freedom of Information”, it costs the U.S. TAXPAYERS about $4-Million each season to have “crap police” handing out the CMCs and making sure those that “crevasse” their turds sign on the dotted line. In a nutshell basic, “We the People” are subsidizing for this crap affair on high at approximately $4000 per climber – and many are foreigners! At the same time, the latrines at the low life camps found around Glitter Gulch and over-flowing with tourist turds, well we pick up the tab at $20 bucks per flush! Remember the “Golden Toilet Seat” made famous courtesy of the fleecing of the U.S. Taxpayers, well it appears the “ultimate” in TAXPAYER funded “crap” has found a new cover, as like the turds crevassed away for safekeeping, we continue to get “shat” upon. Then again, maybe if we can't give the natives respect, then maybe those CMCs should have S&H requirements paid for by those wanting the enjoyment of diarrhea on high – shipping and handling “charges” applied, and when a climber is tired of “craping” on Ruth, just send that cesspool-in-a-can to its deserving resting place, the governor's mansion in Ohio. Then maybe after enough crap sent that way, maybe that state will begin to mind its own business and "Notwithstanding any other authority of law, the mountain located 63 degrees 04 minutes 12 seconds north, by 151 degrees 00 minutes 18 seconds west shall continue to be named and referred to for all purposes as Mount McKinley." will be an old thought in the wind, like a long ago fart that no longer takes our breath away!


Human Waste Disposal:
If CMC’s are not available for use , all human waste must be deposited into biodegradable bags (provided by the National Park Service) and disposed of in a deep crevasse away from popular trails. All bags will be marked with the expedition’s name or permit number. In an effort to make sure that the snow is clean for future water supplies, use Clean Mountain Cans (CMC) when available , consolidate pee holes away from camping areas , always use biodegradable bags when you do not have a CMC , dispose of your human waste bag in a deep crevasse , do not leave human waste on the snow . The National Park Service has installed outhouses for public use at Kahiltna Basecamp and 14,200 feet on the West Buttress of Denali . Your cooperation in accepting these responsibilities will contribute significantly to our collective care for this special place, so that all may experience a pristine glacier environment, both now and in the future. The proper disposal of human waste is not only the right thing to do, it is required. Failure to follow these requirements may result in the issuance of a violation notice and other legal action.”



The $4000 CMC "Honey Bucket"!
(Cost to climber, $300)
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Drone Aerial shot of "OPEN PIT" latrine at base camp - taken 5/31/2015
 

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