2011 Alice’s Restaurant Award

Each year on Thanksgiving and in honor of Alice’s Restaurant Massacree, wherein the story-line finds a true American hero arrested for littering, an annual survey takes place. Like the Christmas Day bird count that tries an attempt to get an accurate bird count through volunteers spread out across America from sea to shining sea, in efforts to access the health of the winged population through numbers counted, this Turkey Day Special survey in honor of Alice makes an attempt to access the litter abuse across our highways upon our byways - since this day finds more travelers road bound than any other day of the year. One year this award went to Budweiser, for discarded cans counted, until it was learned that Madman McCain’s old-lady is the Budweiser Queen, and sales tumbled like a rambling weed lost across the windswept desert landscape of Arizona. And since road side rest areas have become a place for the homeless to hang their belongings, discarded aluminum cans mean income, so the litter is self-policed. Sorry Bud! Then it was the Mac attack litter that elevated Ronald the Clown to the high honors of America’s worst road-side litter enemy violator. It’s really no joke this attack upon the roadside attractions. Look even Raven’s can’t digest this Mac crap on a bun. Have a neighbor that you need to get even with prank wise? Just place a Big Mac on the hood of Mr. & Mrs. Neighbor’s car and let the Ravens indulge, then crap away. It’s a great paint remover and it takes dynamite to remove it dried over and those stains left behind? Forget it! Now diapers made the headlines one year in the Alice’s litter award, but with the economy in the weeds, it appears that this nation’s birthrate has tanked, so diapers lost out this time around. But low and behold, this year’s results are in and the winner is - bum roll please - “Red Bull”. The volunteer count is mind boggling, as it finds enough discarded “Red Bull” cans that paints a sad picture of what Americans are investing in, ingesting to fuel their handicaps. So for those individuals preferring this beverage over stuff that invites a DUI award and tastes like piss, BRAVO. Wait, there’s more. And for those who indulge this “Bull Crap” and at the same time believe that littering away the empty can of caffeine high on Viagra is OK, drink on and throw down! So in honor of Thanksgiving and another successful litter count across America from the mountains to the prairies to the oceans, “You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant. Walk right in its around the block, just a half a mile from the railroad tracks…You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant – except Alice” and Red Bull crap! ~