Alaska Chinook: I Lied Once, Caught Twice

Dear Honest Abe “I cannot tell a lie” and only lied once in my life but was caught “Twice” wherein “double jeopardy” failed justice. OK, first and foremost my “liar, liar pants on fire” honors drum roll please…I never once answered my cell phone while driving under the influence. OK, when I was a young kid and under the influence that one could conquer the world even though “I’m the kid who always looked out the window, failing tests in geography”, I entered the “Science Fair” at St. Leo’s Catholic School and told a “fib”. But it was the “intent” that steered clear any time away at the Sockanasset juvenile detention reformatory, for “Bad Boys” that steal tomatoes. See, I built this “ugly” model dam from wood taken from Penelope’s morgue so smelled of death do us part mildew, as a “hydro-electric” plant. With an overflow penstock and glued an electric motor to behave like an “electric generator”, with wires strung between make believe power poles that ended in the “Big City”, a single light bulb. Of course it didn’t work as the motor was not a generator! Now when Sister Irene Goodnight as the Science Fair Judge asked if it worked, even though the dam leaked like hell runneth over like Father Lamb guzzling the communion wine and the water contaminated from the “banned” glue fell into a cage holding a rat science project and “Biggy” died, well the rest is history I won a 2^nd Prize - this all before renewable energy made headline news. In today’s world such a project, I would probably be awarded a scholarship to the school of my choice or held for animal cruelty - so I was ahead of the times and my “fib” was based on intent. Which is 9/10 the law in guilt based on a hung jury. Look, Sister of Mercy knew it never worked as it was a 120Volt AC light bulb! And that double jeopardy, I did not steel Mrs. Potatoe Head’s “rotten tomatoes”. For real, Donald Jong Trump gets a $buck$ for every credible lie told? No wonder I am broke. Donald Trump, he can take a lie and turn it into a Phonzi scheme makeover. When the lie becomes the New Norm - Trump’s Memoirs! Wow, I could hear the road rage from 2-blocks away, along with the “whistle-stop” alerts from the Union Pacific 450 tumbling down the tracks. Wow, some lady parked her car between the crossing guards, and the train is heading for a head on! People are blowing their horns, yelling, crying, flashing for pictures, but she is glued to her cell phone and is not aware of imminent danger - she is parked on the tracks and engaged in a conversation! Best hang-up and call your maker is my sentiment. Wow, I hear the lawmen’s siren heading this way, but the train cannot slow down. Wow, the cops are in a hot pursuit chase some bad guys and they just got trapped behind that lady stuck on the tracks, still engaged in her phone not realizing she is 30-seconds away from a rude awakening. Wow, the guys being chased by the Ketone Cops are now shooting their way out of this mess, and finally the lady in the car that is still targeted by that Union Pacific realizes what’s going down, but can’t jump ship now - bullets are flying in all directions. Bang, damn what a shame too late the 420 is taking the phone lady for a ride. And Casey Jones slowed enough for the criminals to hobo their way out of capture by an “all aboard”, as by now the damaged car is off the side of the tracks and the cops have to pay attention to the injured lady and the train keeps rambling on, with the crooks waving good-bye any jail time on their way to freedom once again. I wonder, is she an accomplice? Wow, she wasn’t hurt, her car is a wreck. See, when will “Driving Under Idiocy” become a crime like with a sex offender? It is an addiction, wherein it is not substance abuse and is abuse upon an unwilling victims. OK, we are all part of this “must be connected” science project, the rats are already dead and soon…Talking Hard Work:

While we are on the subject of hard work
I just wanted to say you that, "I always was a man who likes hard work"
I was born working and I worked my way up by hard work
I ain't ever got no where, but I got there by hard work

Work of the hardest kind I been down and I been out
I been disgusted I been busted and I couldn't be trusted
I worked my way up and I worked my way down
I been drunk and I been sober, I been baptized and got hijacked
I been robbed for cash and I been robbed on a credit

Worked my way in jail and I worked my way outta jail
Woke up a lot of mornin's, didn't know where I was at
The hardest work I ever done was, when I was tryin'
To get myself a worried woman to help ease my worried mind

I'm gonna tell ya just how much work I had to do
To get this woman I was tellin' you about, I shook hands
With ninety seven of her kinfolk and her blood relatives
And I done just the same with eighty six people
Who's just her friends and her neighbors

I kissed seventy three babies and put dry pants
On thirty four of em', well as others done this same thing several times
Well there are a lot of other things just like this
I held one hundred twenty five wild horses
And put saddles and bridles on more than that

Harnessed some of the craziest and wildest teams in that whole country'
I rode fourteen loco broncos to a stand still
And I let forty two hound dogs lick me all over seven times
I's bit by hungry dogs and I was chewed all to pieces
My water moccasins and rattlesnakes on two river bottoms

I chopped and carried three hundred fourteen arm loads
Of stove wood, one hundred nine buckets of coal
Carried a gallon of kerosene eighteen miles over the mountains
Got lost, lost a good pair of shoes in a mud hole
And I chopped and weeded forty eight rows of short cotton

Thirteen acres of bad corn, I cut the sticker weeds
Out of eleven back yards, all on account of 'cause
I wanted to show her that I was a man and I liked to work
I cleaned out nine barn lofts, cranked thirty one cars
All makes and models, pulled three cars out of mud holes
And four or five out of snow drifts

I dug five cisterns of water for some of her friends
Run all kinds of errands, played the fiddle for nine
Church meetin's I Joined eleven separate denominations
I joined up and signed up with seven best trade unions
I could find, I paid my wages, a, dues six months in advance

I waded forty eight miles of swamps and six big rivers
Walked across two ranges of mountains
Crossed three deserts, I got the fever, sun stroke, Malaria, blue
Moonstruck, skeeter bit, poison ivy and the seven year itch
And the blind staggers, I was give up for less, lost and dead

A couple of times struck by lightning, struck by Congress
Struck by friends and kinfolks eell as by three cars on highways
A lot of times in people's hen houses, I been hit and run down
Run over and walked on knocked around, I'm just sittin' here
Now tryin' to study up what else I can do to show that women
That I still ain't afraid of hard work

Songwriters: Woody Guthrie