Bridge Builders

“There’s something happening here, what it is ain’t exactly clear, there’s a man with a gun over there, telling me I’ve got to beware”. OK, so the Campbell Creek Bicentennial Park momma bear on the maul is on the lam! Maybe she was smart and got out of Dodge before the going got rough. Just like Bill Allen! Maybe she was tipped off! Allen’s tipping off the FBI at an alarming rate. I wonder if Ted and Ben consider him a “Rat Fink”. And is he still on the invite list for the Corrupt Bastards Club re-union? It is this week at Bill Sheffield’s house. Regardless, the Fish and Feather folks have yet to produce a “dead” bear. I hope the momma bear and cubs headed…which way? See, we wonder why after so many years of inner-city wilderness enjoyment we now find the trail head parking lots vacant. The bears have taken over the trails! Really, when one looks at the migratory bottleneck that has been created by city growth, it is apparent that we have failed at the design criteria based on inclusion and diversity. First and foremost, the Elmore extension is one major blame in the blame game. This black top basically cut off any bear movement south of the Abbott Loop. And Abbott itself is barricaded by testosterone driven teenagers on a mission to re-define road rage. Now Elmore - a.k.a. Abbott Loop - it used to be a quiet street that for the most part meant a wilderness corridor from 64th over to Tudor, the migratory path that bears would use to get to the fishing grounds. But with the ribbon cutting ceremony two years ago, even though road painting continues today with Phase III funding, the noise level from traffic has to summon the bears to be cautious. And the noise from the ball fields sends anything non-human to cover. I can hear both the traffic and the soccer mom’s having organic orgasms from my neighborhood, three streets in from this crap piece of engineering brilliance – the extension that is. With crap comes more crap – the fields of dreams. Did somebody get paid for this design? Oh, it was a lab experiment provided by some highway design students in training – diapers before wheels. Which brings up the second obstacle that the bears now encounter in that pursuit of happiness. It is like a moat being built around the east side. I am talking Hamilton University – a.k.a. University of Alaska Anchorage – which seems to build structures just to build something. “How many bridges could a bridge building build if a bridge builder built nowhere bridges?” This institution has become nothing but a waste of money employer. Really, what is with all the building? Talk about building things to Nowheresville! And is Don Young’s Way still on the drawing board? Anyway, the Elmore “accident waiting to happen” road extension and Hamilton moat are designed without any concern for the wildlife habits, like migration patterns. So now the city has bears mauling runners and bickers. Now we have been always told that bickers have not to worry, as just hold the bike up and look big! I guess that theory was postulated up at the Hamilton University think tank, “We’re high on Pork”, as it doesn’t work. So the Fish and Feather folks have been denied the opportunity to kill Yogi and scare the dickens out of Boo Boo. I honestly believe that Ranger Smith – a.k.a. drive by shootout survivor – is trying to pacify the hunted and the hunters. Good call. As you can’t please all the people all of the time. Talk about noise! When is this city going to apply a noise tax to overhead noise makers, like pilots in small planes? Think about the possibilities, more income to build things of no value. Anyway, with nothing to show off in the murder category and to make it look like something is being done to find the culprit bear out of a wandering possibility numbering 75 or so that frequent the area between the extension and the moat, the solution was to install cameras on Rover’s Reach to monitor the activities. Then what? I think the camera action should be broadcast on U-tube, so some crazies can try to be the hero. For what reason is still in the jury’s hands. Dead or alive? Anyway, I have a better idea. Remember the Million Man March? Well we should all assemble this weekend and march through the woods, along the creeks, to disturb any lingering beasts. Can you imagine what the bears and moose would think if all of a sudden the population of Anchorage and tourists ascended down upon the trails? They no doubt would hightail it away from Anchorage for good ridens. They would find that bridge to Somewhere! I mentioned this idea to a tourist, said he’d be there, as a bear march sounded interesting and he hasn’t done anything exciting since retirement – can’t afford it and the march is free. In fact, maybe we can get Don to get that VECO grill. Then maybe we can get Bill Sheffield to donate republican bull-crap and buns leftover from the re-union – have a grand old time harassing the wildlife. I also informed this tourist that summer is over with here in the crap weather city, as I can hear the cheers from the football season finally, commencing the end of the two-week season. Football, what a joke here in the bowl! Did you realize that it costs $1200-dollars each for football players to get muddy, this extra curricular money courtesy the Pom-Pom girl – a.k.a. Carol Comeau. See, that is why I am all for new sports activities in the “Big Wild”, like marching on the bears’ home. Talk about homes, I came across a homeless shelter the other day. Actually it was close to dark and I noticed some peculiar activity in the woods, as the residents had some sort of light to aid during good night storytelling. So the next day I ventured to investigate. See, during the day the patrons must be out working, most likely at the intersections. Anyway, this camp was more in tune to a Gypsy camp. It looked as though there existed sleeping arrangements for a few dozen homeless. There was a campfire, still smoldering. And a refrigerator! Now my investigative courage continued to interview the camp. Besides the light, power was also supplied to the frig, which contained a case of Bud Lite. Hey everybody likes a cold one after a hard days work. And I noticed that the receptacle that powered the cooler also had what looked like cell phone charges attached? Anyway, I followed the power cable. It went over land and under land, ending at the Anchorage Police Department, hooked into an outside receptacle in the back of the building. At least the homeless are thinking. Brings up a better idea then a Rover’s Ridge march. Why not let the homeless shoot the moose. Then the bears will have no other option but to find a new home. Then maybe the parking lots at the trails heads will once again indicate, “No Vacancy”. Have it your way, as it can’t be both ways. Anchorage expansion has encroached upon everyone and everything. It is preposterous to think otherwise and place the blame on us or them. Now isn’t this interesting. As the trail head parking lots remain empty the parking lots at the dog parks are alive and well. And it was rather interesting watching everybody pick up their own dog’s doo-doo. Now there is an interesting sentence for U.S. Senator Ted “Under Indictment” Stevens - Alaskan Republican - and U.S. Congresswoman Don “Soon To Be Indicted” Young - Alaskan Republican. How about a sentencing wherein they have to go out and around and about to pick up all the crap that their shenanigans has left behind! Just like a failed infrastructure that is now showing its face as game mismanagement, somebody has to take the brunt. So far, it has caused two humans almost their lives, while just out enjoying the outdoors. But when we just build crap to satisfy a failed infrastructure that is bent on nothing promising accept taking the “pork” and wasting time and materials to accomplish this nothingness, no wonder the bears are revolting. We invited them here and now we realize the trap worked. Now what? How about an animal bridge to Somewhere! I am sure Ted and Don can see to that, as it fits nicely into the more nothingness mentality that is making Alaska the laughing stock state of the Union. Even without Sarah’s involvement. Time to march. Hey Bill, keep the buns. In fact, shove one up your nose to stop the bleeding, it’s cheaper!

CopyRight 2008 – Dixie Productions/MSK Media/Eagle Rock Press
Contact: Storylineonline@gci.net or www.Storylineonline.com or www.chinookjournal.blogspot.com