And So This Is Christmas!
Finally, the TSA has met its match. This agency of once upon a time unemployed laissez fairies, their intimidation tactics took a turn for the worse recently, soon after it started using Facial Anger Recognition Technology – or FART. The latter is a fancy name recognizing there is nothing more exciting to do then watch the traveling public pick their noses - or to observe other obscene behavior - from cameras remotely located every which way but loose at major airports, wherein Larry Craig like hideaways are no longer “hidden”. Either that or stay at home and collect unemployment. And since the TSA and its swelling membership now falls under the Federal Workers Union, well these people dedicated to protecting our life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, they are rolling in the dough. Now this new-age FART technology designed by the German’s during the Hitler regime, it is very hi-tech. Actually I think it was designed by Bozo and a busload of Bozonians on a Timothy Leary high time. Basically if one looks happy in the eyes of the beholder, it sets a red flag that warrants further TSA scrutiny. And according to the head Bozo on the Homeland school bus heading towards Crawford, “Travelers are supposed to act like cattle going to the slaughterhouse”. So any deviation away from such criteria, it means time for a check-up, bend-over! Be it known to the experts, an angry face is an accepted expression. Now if you were happy in the beginning of your travel day, you won’t be by the time you make it through the line-up. Man, what a career! In Canada, the locals make fun of the logging truck drivers, that it is the only job they are worthy of, scarring the dickens out of tourists heading up the Alaskan Highway. Supposedly, this scare routine without a costume is one job up on a TSA watchman. See, many of the residents around this one site I was working at are expatriates. Basically, draft dodgers from the Vietnam era. So they have by now raised families and their kids know all about America. “How come you can’t say Merry Christmas”, they ask? See, they would like to go back home but can’t understand this religious zealous crap cast down upon the Lord! When you ask them about the amnesty program, they laugh all the way to the puke bucket. Anyway the U.S. government spent zillions on this FART project, but forgot one thing. See, the people who were stuck in a vault wearing a straight-jacket and were required to think up this crap could in no way shape or form be happy humans. So being unhappy and so dedicated to the cause to make everybody else unhappy, they forgot about Christmas! Really, the other day as I traveled between Canada and entered U.S. controlled soil, the FART was out of control. That smell! Could have been that somebody opened up a “Fruit Cake”. So to deal with this out-of-control situation, the TSA went “Code Red” into Phase II anger management, resorting to stealing Christmas toys. Remember, if they are unhappy, it means travelers are happy, so it takes a turn for the worse. Think about it. If they can make a little kid angry, then the parents become angry, like killing three birds with one “Fruit Cake”. Really, my traveling buddy had this little teensy-weensy Cresent wrench that was a replica of a real tool, but in reality a key chain. “Ah sorry Mister, as this is a real tool. And real tools could be used to dismantle the plane during flight. So, I have to confiscate it.” Talk about anger management. This was a joke, NOT. About the only thing that this toy tool could have disassembled were the back-rest “trays”. Actually, maybe we could have fixed all the loose and broken ones! Is TSA doing aircraft maintenance on the side? Anyway, it was good to see that the TSA was overwhelmed by the good tidings and joys of happy travelers during this year’s holidays. Now talk about gift exchanging! I have a collection of at least a hundred TSA bumper stickers. Many that were at one time placed neatly in the confines of my luggage’s belongings, like to say, “we opened your bags, ha-ha”! So now I place a “gift” right on top of everything else, something that must be disturbed in efforts to see if any good stuff can be “confiscated” by permission of the head Bozo – soiled UNDERWEAR it is! A present that I purposely leave out in efforts to get the TSA inspectors sign of approval and get them thinking that a job as a log truck driver seems more encouraging each and every day. Bottom line, I don’t like some unknown going through my briefs when it seems they have the authority to confiscate things they believe can take down a plane. The other day, some asshole’s luggage hit the tarmac that held a bunch of lighters, in easy view! Talk about a ticking time-bomb. See, if this can get by the inspectors, then surely fruit cake can be stowed away. That stuff can be used as a weapon, like a Billy-club. And imagine if it ever ignited. You thought the Chicago fire was bad business. What a concept I just thought of, as the wine is giving me a buzz. See, I had a short flight from Vancouver to Seattle. The flight attendant passed out free wine, but told us to guzzle it down! The TSA could offer up “fruit cake” during the holidays, as part of the FARTER program, the “ER” meaning “Extended Reach”. Such an offering - at the taxpayers’ expense - would indeed keep everybody angry. So as Simpson once said, “Eat my shorts” TSA! And hope that you enjoy next year's “Fruit Cakes”.
Finally, the TSA has met its match. This agency of once upon a time unemployed laissez fairies, their intimidation tactics took a turn for the worse recently, soon after it started using Facial Anger Recognition Technology – or FART. The latter is a fancy name recognizing there is nothing more exciting to do then watch the traveling public pick their noses - or to observe other obscene behavior - from cameras remotely located every which way but loose at major airports, wherein Larry Craig like hideaways are no longer “hidden”. Either that or stay at home and collect unemployment. And since the TSA and its swelling membership now falls under the Federal Workers Union, well these people dedicated to protecting our life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, they are rolling in the dough. Now this new-age FART technology designed by the German’s during the Hitler regime, it is very hi-tech. Actually I think it was designed by Bozo and a busload of Bozonians on a Timothy Leary high time. Basically if one looks happy in the eyes of the beholder, it sets a red flag that warrants further TSA scrutiny. And according to the head Bozo on the Homeland school bus heading towards Crawford, “Travelers are supposed to act like cattle going to the slaughterhouse”. So any deviation away from such criteria, it means time for a check-up, bend-over! Be it known to the experts, an angry face is an accepted expression. Now if you were happy in the beginning of your travel day, you won’t be by the time you make it through the line-up. Man, what a career! In Canada, the locals make fun of the logging truck drivers, that it is the only job they are worthy of, scarring the dickens out of tourists heading up the Alaskan Highway. Supposedly, this scare routine without a costume is one job up on a TSA watchman. See, many of the residents around this one site I was working at are expatriates. Basically, draft dodgers from the Vietnam era. So they have by now raised families and their kids know all about America. “How come you can’t say Merry Christmas”, they ask? See, they would like to go back home but can’t understand this religious zealous crap cast down upon the Lord! When you ask them about the amnesty program, they laugh all the way to the puke bucket. Anyway the U.S. government spent zillions on this FART project, but forgot one thing. See, the people who were stuck in a vault wearing a straight-jacket and were required to think up this crap could in no way shape or form be happy humans. So being unhappy and so dedicated to the cause to make everybody else unhappy, they forgot about Christmas! Really, the other day as I traveled between Canada and entered U.S. controlled soil, the FART was out of control. That smell! Could have been that somebody opened up a “Fruit Cake”. So to deal with this out-of-control situation, the TSA went “Code Red” into Phase II anger management, resorting to stealing Christmas toys. Remember, if they are unhappy, it means travelers are happy, so it takes a turn for the worse. Think about it. If they can make a little kid angry, then the parents become angry, like killing three birds with one “Fruit Cake”. Really, my traveling buddy had this little teensy-weensy Cresent wrench that was a replica of a real tool, but in reality a key chain. “Ah sorry Mister, as this is a real tool. And real tools could be used to dismantle the plane during flight. So, I have to confiscate it.” Talk about anger management. This was a joke, NOT. About the only thing that this toy tool could have disassembled were the back-rest “trays”. Actually, maybe we could have fixed all the loose and broken ones! Is TSA doing aircraft maintenance on the side? Anyway, it was good to see that the TSA was overwhelmed by the good tidings and joys of happy travelers during this year’s holidays. Now talk about gift exchanging! I have a collection of at least a hundred TSA bumper stickers. Many that were at one time placed neatly in the confines of my luggage’s belongings, like to say, “we opened your bags, ha-ha”! So now I place a “gift” right on top of everything else, something that must be disturbed in efforts to see if any good stuff can be “confiscated” by permission of the head Bozo – soiled UNDERWEAR it is! A present that I purposely leave out in efforts to get the TSA inspectors sign of approval and get them thinking that a job as a log truck driver seems more encouraging each and every day. Bottom line, I don’t like some unknown going through my briefs when it seems they have the authority to confiscate things they believe can take down a plane. The other day, some asshole’s luggage hit the tarmac that held a bunch of lighters, in easy view! Talk about a ticking time-bomb. See, if this can get by the inspectors, then surely fruit cake can be stowed away. That stuff can be used as a weapon, like a Billy-club. And imagine if it ever ignited. You thought the Chicago fire was bad business. What a concept I just thought of, as the wine is giving me a buzz. See, I had a short flight from Vancouver to Seattle. The flight attendant passed out free wine, but told us to guzzle it down! The TSA could offer up “fruit cake” during the holidays, as part of the FARTER program, the “ER” meaning “Extended Reach”. Such an offering - at the taxpayers’ expense - would indeed keep everybody angry. So as Simpson once said, “Eat my shorts” TSA! And hope that you enjoy next year's “Fruit Cakes”.
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