Noise Pollution

Noise Pollution
I travel coast to coast on a regular basis. And one thing comes to mind that makes Anchorage stick out like a sore thumb as a non-conforming city. Actually, many things distinguish this city away from other American and European cities alike. First and foremost on the qualifying list of “different”, what is with all the loud pick-up trucks, as if the owners never heard of ear protection? Not only protection for themselves, but courtesy for everybody else that has the unfortunate opportunity to come anywhere close to their ruddiness domain? And one would think that such noise would be only a once-in-awhile annoyance, coming from a pick-up that was old and dilapidated. Like maybe the muffler had succumbed to one too many Alaskan winters wherein the salt has done its duty and allowed the steel pipe to return to its virgin state - as rust. Same thing that is happening to the oil lines up in Prudhoe Bay! No, this barrage of unruly noise comes from modern “PFD” down-payment specials. No wonder Cal is getting rich. Now this kind of noise pollution is not allowed within neighborhoods or for the most part city limits of all the major cosmopolitan cities I have traveled through. Maybe that is the catch, as Anchorage is far from any definition of civilized, never mind the “cosmo” thing. In fact - guilty as a noise maker - it can get you in real big trouble in most places, as it isn’t one of those out-of-sight out-of-mind penalties, like “littering”. In such cities that disallow someone else’s noise to bother another’s peace and quiet, signs are posted everywhere. It includes all noise making activity, including fire-crackers. So when you pull up to a red light, you don’t get some dude on a motorcycle with a palm itch continuously revving his engine, wherein noise blasts away in every direction with a tendency to dislodge asbestos from old dilapidated buildings. No it is a nice biker, abiding by the rules of engagement. And you hear and see very little of the “Anchorage Edition” type pick-ups elsewhere, as the noise of such wouldn’t be tolerated. Get this, I was told that because it is OK - to noise pollute in Alaska - that these pick-up trucks are actually assembly line rejects, wherein the engine isn’t performing up to specifications. So Detroit has come up with a quick and dirty solution. Place some noise blaster muffler stubs on the rejects to make it sound mean, and send it to Alaska! This “reject peddling” occurs every year right around October when kids have been back to school and need to impress. And that is when the state hands out a freebie dividend check – which is a down-payment for a testosterone moaner. So one may ask, why doesn’t Anchorage have a noise level limit ban? It is very simple. Who owns all the small planes that commandeer the friendly skies during the short Alaskan summers? Lawyers. Was Ted real a lawyer? I bet kids will frown away from that discipline once Ted is indicted. So, in efforts to enforce noise reduction zones in and around Anchorage, it would also inundate the freedom that pilots have, when buzzing over your house. My house is on the approach to Merril Field, like everybody else on the lower hillside, and sometimes it is all too annoying. The lawyers all seem to return at the same time after a weekend invasion of the fishing grounds – just when I am trying to enjoy an outdoor barbecue. And you know what, it is OK to piss out of a small plane, even over Anchorage! So any law banning noise, it would in effect limit a lawyers “freedom” domain in which he could dominate and piss on the public. So don’t look to see something on the books that would limit noise in and around the city proper. And lawyers don’t care about loosing their hearing, as they don’t hear very well to begin with. Was Ted really a “Bar” approved attorney? Isn’t there a test one must take to become a bonafide attorney? Doesn’t the exam contain some semblance of an ethics test? You know what, even though time after time Teresa’s hubby failed the “bar” examination, I bet he passed the “ethics” section. Maybe that is why he continued to get failing grades! Talk about motorbike imbeciles, I was out riding my bike this past summer, with my wife. We were attempting to cross Tudor and Lake Otis intersection. People can’t read, as a great big sign states, “Yield to Pedestrians in the Crosswalk”. It is more like, “You Got Them in the Crosshairs”! One guy on a Harley yelled out to my wife, who was a little bit behind me, something to the effect that the light was green. It was, for “Pedestrians”. See, he wasn’t a real biker, just a weekend wannabee. That is why he had to pick on my wife. My wife’s sentiment to the jerk, “get a real bike”! Anyway that brings me to another reason why Anchorage is far from a cosmopolitan city. See, a whole lot of things must be achieved in efforts for the “cosmo” signature to become a reality. Like people being able to walk the streets without fear of getting mowed over. The Anchorage drivers are so demanding that pedestrians are merely a nuisance. So without going into the tougher things that must be achieved, we need to focus on the minor things that will bring this city closer towards a “cosmopolitan” like city of enjoyment. It would make this city a fun place to hangout. And another thing, that moose statue down by Starbucks on 5th, somebody needs to plant some real moose turds at the statue’s base - just to add some humor to this fine piece of art. It’s a moose without arms! It’s a two legged moose and this past summer I heard a tourist insist to other traveling companions that moose stand erect in the wilds! Anyhow, this state was a territory a mere 50-years ago. About the same time Ted entered the ring of politics. We have not really progressed very far past third-world status, because we have statesmen that have tried to plan too far in advance. Take the Bill “Nose Bleed” Sheffield train terminal, out at the U.S.S. Ted Stevens. Oh, I stand corrected. I thought it was originally a pirate ship, the airport terminal. See, someday maybe a train with a GPS guidance system will find its way to the airport. For what reason, more noise I guess! Can you imagine the whistle blowing, the ultimate geese “gooser” I guess. Now Bill’s nosebleed, that was a real noise maker! But better then that, what’s all that static on Dan’s – the Big Man – radio talk show? Someone thought it was Ben Stevens. Now would Ben be making noise in public if he were still under investigation? Well, remember this, he is hanging out on a boat that is closer to Russia then it is to any state or Federal penitentiary. So maybe, just maybe that static is the boat’s propeller ready to go, to freedom at last - to Russia with LOVE! Don’t you love that moose? I bet he wishes he were on the Wizard of Oz, as he could ask the Grand Wizard for “arms”. But all that noise, what a nuisance! And all that political corruptness, what a noose around what was once a good state of affairs. Alaska, once a territory. Alaska, once the “Last Frontier”. Now though, the “Corrupt Bastard” state. This will probably set us back many, many years. And as far as going cosmopolitan, maybe the cosmos is closer, as we have our very own rocket launcher way down south in Kodiak. You know what, I have come up with a brilliant idea for Laird’s Rocket launch facility without rockets to launch. See, it could launch Native owned “Kodiak” spruce tree trunks towards the Federally funded failed veneer plant in Ketchikan. Now the trajectory would be over the Federally funded failed Point Mackenzie dairy boondoggle, as the loose wood chips could be collected and used to fill up the Federally funded failed Don Young wood chip export facility. And the rocket could be controlled by the Federally funded failed and out-of-money Kenai astronaut training facility. Just how many Federally funded wrecks have we been blessed with? Isn’t anybody looking? And everybody thinks the EXXON Valdez wreck was bad! Why the hell should anybody in this country be required to still pay taxes? Crooks are at the helm of everything. What’s that loud noise? Damn, it the sea trials for the Federally funded high-speed amphibious assault ferry that is being built by the Navy, because it was the only way the “Corrupt Bastard” could get it built – had something to do with being chased by a “rabid” skunk. Now this waste of money - soon to be yet another addition to that long list of Federally funded failed Alaskan projects - it will one day be used in and around Anchorage, because we want to go “cosmopolitan”. Imagine this, a nighttime cruise along beautiful Cook Inlet, at 500-miles an hour. No wonder we hear a lot of loud laughs coming our way from outside, as we have earned maybe not the “cosmopolitan” label, but the laughing stock label of approval!

CopyRight 2007 – Dixie Productions/MSK Media/Eagle Rock Press @ Storylineonline@gci.net or Storylineonline.com

Pain & Suffering - Unusual!

Pain & Suffering – Unusual!
What a gorgeous day it was out! Sure termination dust had sprinkled the top of Flat Top and Sleeping Lady was getting ready to hibernate, such a fall like day. Bottom-line on a scale of “Wow”, this day would be hard to forget. It was the best by far, from the Creator during my terms of endearment with life. Now this was an unusual year for me here in the Anchorage bowl, as my trail running had taken on a correction course. See, earlier in the spring, I had my first “chase” encounter by a Hillside Brown bear. Really, after some 15-plus years hitting the hillside trails, it was easily observable over this time frame that eminent domain was also becoming a favorite pastime of the bears. Now over the years, wherein miles and miles of rough terrain became a habitual release away from the maddening society, I had seen many “fresh” signs of black and brown bears alike. But never once did I have the opportunity to be chased. The odds were stacked in the bears’ favor, that it was bound to occur. And believe me, bears are swift. And bears are curious, especially when interested in pet dogs that sometimes accompany trail runners. So it is an encounter that has a paralyzing effect on one’s freedom. With that in mind, I became and continued to be overly interested in the more civilized trails, like those that meander through the downtown “greenbelt”. It didn’t really bother me, from backcountry to upcountry, as it was still an exercise, both mind and body wise. Now Westchester Lagoon is a very beautiful place. So on this day, that was my choice. And it was one of those lackadaisical days, wherein a park bench seemed more in tune to that life, liberty and pursuit of happiness agenda. So I found myself at the lagoon and parked myself on one of the benches that is set on the shoreline, wherein one’s back is to the steady stream of humans and dog traffic that were also out and enjoying this most glorious day. The sun was shinning brightly. Fall colors filled the surroundings. Geese were taking to flight, as were other waterfowl. The lagoon was calm, so reflections from all around made it like a fantasyland scene. Wow. Picture postcard perfect. Thank you Creator. Soon I found myself falling off to no-mans land – what a day for a daydream nap! Then something aroused my survival instincts. It was somebody from behind yelling “lookout”. Now I thought that maybe a dog was headed my way, as I had become pretty quick thinking after the “bear” encounter. What else could it be? So I braced myself for those wet muddy paws from behind. Then it hit. Not a dog paw, but a human fist. It was a judo-like hit to my left side, my ear hurt. And then it was the same on the right side. This happened faster then when the bear chase commenced. Now I haven’t been belted like this since days of old, when Gary Trout and I went at it over something – probably a girl. That is when I found out that nuns like threesomes. Really, sister Eileen pounced on both of us at the same time, and she was just a little person. She had this grip that was unbearable and unbreakable. And she new how to throw punches! Anyway, the next thing you know there is this guy engaged in restraining my attacker. But I could tell right off there was a relationship between the guy and a kid that looked like a young adult – maybe in his early teens. Now this happened right in broad daylight. And I wasn’t in Spenard! I was at Westchester Lagoon. Now like the bear encounter, you remember things. I remember the bear’s teeth and beady eyes, indicative that tooth decay was not a problem - as it was a young bear. Now though, I focused on this “poor” kid. His eyes showed wariness and worry. In fact, his eyes showed like there was no tomorrow. It was easy to see that he was a powder keg of pain and confusion. Soon, the counselor had the kid controlled, gave an apology for the kid’s outburst and they went about their business. Hey, I was glad to see somebody taking the time to get kids like this outdoors on such a beautiful day. Later on I would find out that this out-of-control kid was one of three triplets all affected with “autism” and a handful no one could imagine. This according to the “expert” - the kids’ counselor. After the attack, a lady sitting next to me asked if I was going to do something. I had pondered that question myself, but answers were not easily forthcoming. So, what could one do? Sure I could press charges, but what in hell would that accomplish except wasted time and wasting valuable resources. Maybe a trip to the little people lawyer could shed some ideas. But would somebody actually think of bringing a civil lawsuit? For nothing more then some monetary reimbursement? Sure, as we are that kind of society. See, was the out-of-control kid the custody of the state? Was this counselor - possibly a state or private employee - negligent in his duties? But wherein lies the real problem. The bottom line, as the empty container trains of the Alaska Railroad go back and forth to nowhere - in efforts to continue to collect Federal “subsidized” waste money because our Congressional representatives are so generous with others hard earned income - kids like this go day in day out without a chance of ever living a normal life. As I have tooted off before, this state wastes more “pork” appropriations then any state in the union. The railroad, if not subsidized, would go bankrupt. So what, we couldn’t make the milkman work, maybe it is time to unload the real big money guzzlers. All that wasted money, from “pork”! And what do we have to show for it? Kids out of control. Here in Anchorage, we have gangs out of control. They own the streets. Hey, the fish & game guy was ambushed in a drive-by this spring, at an intersection only a stones throw away from my house. On the lower Hillside! We know Anchorage is the “rape” capital of the union, and didn’t Lisa campaign that she would get money to stop it. Let’s see, un-kept promises again. But I am sure the money ended up somewhere where it could be regurgitated as a campaign contribution. And Anchorage is headed towards the murder capital of the world, as like anything else we have better things to do with the money, like arrest “jaywalkers”. So we now have proof that behind closed doors, we have “Children Left Behind”. So that’s the “pain” side of this commentary. Sure I blame our representation, as they have not kept focus to where taxpayer money should have been spent. Why? Programs that help fellowmen instead of fellow crooks are more in-line with a “democratic” agenda. And that may have made a big difference when it came to the voting booth. Bottom-line again, had it not been for all the “pork”, misappropriated so it could be turned into gold to re-elect the fools time after time, politics in this state would not be the laughing stock of the nation. Everywhere I go, outside of Alaska, people laugh over the fact that all of our Federal representatives are labeled as crooks and half of the “Ben” congregation is under indictment. Now how about this for the suffering part of this commentary. I met a young guy the other day, he had that “forced” smile upon his face. He was a soldier, now on the rehabilitation bandwagon. His face had been blown off, during an incident in Iraq. Even with all of the re-construction surgery, the face was still a mess. And it looked like the smile was wired, as there could not be a smile behind this kids story. See, here in Alaska, we find that many of the current casualties of the protracted Iraq war are stationed from the military up here. It seems to be an inequitable casualty and injury count, but that is for a reason. See, the war was not supposed to last this long. And for the longest of times, as other state’s military bases unloaded troops to Iraq and dealt with the death blows, Alaska’s military was somewhat spared. Why? Very simple my friends. I was informed of this by a very reliable source, as I used to work up at the Air Force base in Anchorage. See, politics dictated the fact that the war was to be very unpopular - as are most conflicts involving our young kids. It can become a campaign nightmare issue for an incumbent if the death toll gets bothersome for the local voters. So here in Alaska, pressure was placed upon the base commanders to not send their troops at first, with the excuse that the troops were needed here to protect the Pacific, as part of the PAC – Pacific Air Command. That was a good move for our representatives, as the war was supposed to be over with quick and dirty – mission accomplished. But it wasn’t over easy, and today the troop count remains as if the war had just begun – mission accomplished re-make. And over this time period, it was just a matter of time when troop deployment would have to hit those protectively stationed here in Alaska. Not a real good move on somebody’s part! Of course, it happened when the war was at its deadliest interval, with Bush’s siege tactic. So, we now pay the price wherein on a daily basis we hear about a young Alaskan based troop making the Lehrer News Hour – in memory. This is how our elected representatives work behind closed doors. If it isn’t taxpayer money they are manipulating for their own good, it is the vote, through shenanigans like messing with other people’s lives. And I thought unusual pain & suffering was something that we were supposed to guard against? I guess not when it comes to the “Corrupt Bastards” and their selfish political agendas. Alaska, the land of “Crooked Representation”! Take this like a man, “Little Man” - a.k.a Ben - for your main man!

CopyRight 2007 – Dixie Productions/MSK Media/Eagle Rock Press @ Storylineonline@gci.net or Storylineonline.com

Jake the Fake 101

Jake the Fake 101 – A Vote of NO Confidence!
So Jake Metcalf is throwing in a bid to unseat Congressman Don “NOT SO” Young anymore. I guess Jake feels it is time to do something productive and worthwhile after all these years of nothing. Really, being the high-paid attorney for the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers could not have been a hard and demanding job. It is the membership that does all the “hard” work. See, Jake and the rest of the executive scoundrels that take up residency at the fancy office building off Denali Street - built by membership money - have most likely forgotten what it is like to get their hands dirty. Inclement weather and required to climb a light pole? Forget it! And it is the membership that continues to work their “you know what off” in efforts to pay union dues so Jake can travel around the country and polish his political agenda and further his selfish political aspirations. Bottom-line, Jake is a Fake. And to cast a vote for this scoundrel will only increase the “class system” here in Alaska. If you don’t believe there is a “class” all by itself here in Alaska, read on. First and foremost, did Jake the Fake - while a member of the Anchorage School Board - ever come forward and on record to voice support for the school teachers when they wanted a pay raise and the A.E.A. union threatened to “strike” for the cause? Look at it this way. Had Jake the Fake informed the state’s legislature, informed the community and Cheerleader Carol that the I.B.E.W was about to picket and hold concerted effort strikes in a show of respect and support, the teachers would have received a contract they could smile about. Now though, the teachers must resort to accepting bribes in the form of “bonuses”, just to pay for energy bill increases. It should have been just like the I.B.E.W contracts that Jake bargains for on behalf of his “For Members Only” club. And look at the clout that the locals could have had in efforts to support the gifted talents and timeless dedication that teaches possess to chose a career like teaching, all for our children. Anchorage’s highest paid workers at ML&P are I.B.E.W. members. They are hard workers no doubt. The second highest paid workers belong to the I.B.E.W and under contract with Chugach Electric Association. I could go on, but this should rest the point of contention with respect to influence. So what is my gripe besides the fact that Jake – as a leader affiliated with the strongest union in Alaska and a bonafide school board executive – could have but didn’t go out of his way to assist the teachers in getting a fair share of the oil revenue pie? That is it in a nutshell, for the silence of the lame. See, Jake the Fake didn’t have to go overboard. It meant going a little out of his ways and means to help “other” brothers and sisters in need of a pay increase. But it would or could have been detrimental to his livelihood and political career. See, the pie only has so many pieces to go around. Had the teachers been given a pay raise, that would have curtailed other state spending, as salary increases for the dedicated that teach is a big-ticket item. Maybe, just maybe, some construction projects would have to be put on hold. Forever that is, as salaries are not a one-time burden. That would in effect hurt the rank and file membership of the craft trades, like electricians and painters. It would have meant less dues flowing into the coffers of the I.B.E.W. But what can be expected of such a powerful organization that basis its power and survival upon a “class system”. Remember, this is all Jake the Fake is accustomed too, so breaking the mold at this stage in his life cycle to leave the private sector for a chance at representing you would in essence require a miracle change – like a lobotomy! It is not going to happen! We get set in our ways. Don’t let this guy in! Secondly, the class system is for real. And if – God forbid – Jake was able to pull ahead of a dedicated Democrat named Diane and unseat Don, then prepare yourself for a “class system” of governance. Now I am sure that when Jake the Fake reads this, he will call it baloney and try to explain why he could not support the teachers. I can hear it now. Jake the Fake will tell you that a strike sanctioned by the I.B.E.W. in efforts to help the teachers was illegal. See, most electric utilities under a binding union contract have a “no strike” clause stipulation. I can guarantee that will be his comeback excuse over this issue. Like already mentioned time and time again, Jake is a FAKE. Case in point. A “No Strike” clause in a contract didn’t stop the I.B.E.W. to call a real live strike up at Elmendorf Air Force Base. Really, it happened one night at the power plant just at the midnight shift change. The outgoing crew left and nobody showed up. This power plant was also under an I.B.E.W. contract. But it wasn’t a very lucrative contract, so on a comparison basis, it didn’t bring in the dues bacon like the ML&P or CEA contracts. Anyway, this “walkout” was sanctioned by the executive branch of the local I.B.E.W. The workers were only following the lead of their leaders, like Jake the Fake. Guess what happened for real and quick? All the workers were discharged. The management of the facility - a Native Corporation - had to find workers overnight. Remember, this was an electrical power plant “Operations and Maintenance” contract with the United States Air Force, at a time when runway lights were a necessity as our young pilots in training practiced for the Iraq war buildup. Needless to say, the E.A.F.B. Commander was not very amused. Soon afterwards, when most of the discharged workers had settled into the unemployment line, the I.B.E.W. went to the bargaining table. Mind you not for the discharged workers but the fact that Jake the Fake and company believed the contract was still valid and in effect, regardless of the discharged workers’ status. The I.B.E.W. won, when a motion was filed with the NLRB. Now the discharged workers were not given their jobs back. They were allowed to get on a list of “preferential” candidates for rehire, and only when a vacancy occurred at the power plant. To make matters worse off in light of the fact that the “contract” was still in force, the new workers were required to pay a sign up fee, as none of them were union members to begin with. In fact, the workers that went out of their way to help America when all “good” Americans were supposed to be good citizens following 911 and terrorists were on the loose, these workers were threatened by the union bosses to sign up or loose the right to work. Then they were required to pay “back dues”. Fortunate enough for the workers that went out of their way to keep the military runway lights on during the I.B.E.W. “strike”, the corporation footed the bill for the initiation fee and back dues – just to keep the workers and the union happy. Bottom line, the new workers were not pleased with this type of control from Jake the Fake and company. And the original union workers were not so pleased either, with Jake the Fake and company. They were still out of work, but required to pay dues, to remain on the “preferential” hiring list. See, the concern here was not the well-being of the workers that lost their jobs following an I.B.E.W. sanctioned strike - an illegal strike - the only matter of interest here was the contract in force, which meant dues could be collected. It sucked. This mentality of destruction and then retreat, it is what Jake the Fake is all about. But this single saga at the EAFB power plant doesn’t end here or end happily. See, the power plant was scheduled to be shutdown soon after the replacement crew came in to rescue what the “union” had abandoned. It would be two-years before the lights went out for good. Now during that time, call it good management or miss-management, well the operator decided to cut corners and not provide the testing requirements as spelled out by the government for facilities containing asbestos. This power plant up on Government Hill was built back in the 50’s – so asbestos was everywhere. The union was made aware of this and did nothing. And there was a reason for this negligence. The union didn’t want to look like a trouble-maker with the Air Force. So one individual decided to take matters onto his own hands. He was placed on “Administrative Leave” and the union made some squabble about it, but nothing that righted the wrong. Again, the I.B.E.W. was being very cautious with the asbestos issues. Now during this time, when the government was made aware of the situation, testing was required – to see if the workers were at risk. Air samples were scheduled. But low and behold, samples disappeared and the test results were forged. The workers thought they had the goods! But the union dropped everything when the “whistleblower” worker was laid off. In this case, the union realized that its very own management had been derelict for years in its duty to insist on safe working conditions for the workers – the union members. The local I.B.E.W. executive management didn’t care either, as to take sides could have had drastic consequences. See, the power plant was shutting down, but not the air force base itself. In fact, the base was growing by leaps and bounds! So somebody would have to provide the electricity. And guess who was waiting in-line for a lucrative government contract. Yes indeed, ML&P. Now when this entity took over, it meant union workers under a lucrative collective bargaining contract, a contract that rapes the workers for dues based on income. Like mentioned before, ML&P workers are the highest paid workers on Anchorage’s municipal payroll. It is my guesstimate that an ML&P worker makes twice as much as the power plant workers that were employed by the Native Corporation. Thus, at lest twice as much dues money goes to the union bosses. So all in all, when Jake the Fake was at the helm, about 40-workers lost their jobs. And this was all against I.B.E.W. bylaws, in which it is a “crime” for one union worker to take away the work of another union worker. It happened right there in front of the union members’ eyes. Other union members are now performing laid off union members jobs! But it was the numbers game that counts. So go ahead an elect Jake the FAKE. Get used to a “class system”. Get used to sitting in an unemployment line until you put in your time. Really, when the power plant shutdown, the workers were invited to place their names on the I.B.E.W.’s “out of work list”. But it is a seniority type system. Even though the power plant employed workers with extensive backgrounds, about the only work that came from the I.B.E.W. hall was if you knew how to use a paintbrush. So you wait and wait, as individuals with seniority can grab the lucrative jobs. And if you forget to send in your monthly “not working” dues – which is at some reduced rate - you will loose your placement on the list and have to start all over again. And some years from now when a poor bastard that worked at that power plant comes forward with an asbestos disease like problem, Jake will be able to write legislation that disallows that poor bastard from suing. Why? Because an asbestos lawsuit against the government would also involve the I.B.E.W, - which was negligent! It is called Buddy System Protectionism. And if Jake were to get in office, it would just be a matter of time until the crony parade prances down the halls of Juneau, to provide more injustice. Bill the other I.B.E.W. lawyer is already representing Alaskans. And he is known for harassing other union members behind closed doors. So then the poor asbestos deceased bastard will have state legislation signed against him, that doesn’t allow him to even get a nickels worth of “Workmen’s Compensation”, because the cronies will be running state government also. This is what you are bargaining for if you vote for Jake Metcalf. And this is only one little slice of the Fake’s history and how affiliation with a corrupt union institutes a “class system”, wherein all are not created equal! Believe me, it won’t be any different!

Note to Readers: With sadness, this Blog announces the first casualty of a dues paying worker that worked at the above mentioned power plant, under the I.B.E.W. contract. The results of liver cancer, possibly from inhalation of out of control asbestos fibers.

CopyRight 2007 ---ERP/Dixie Productions/MSK Media

Duty Calls

Duty Calls
The other day, while hanging out at Boston’s Logan, I had a “Craig” moment. See, I had an urge to hangout at the “Senate” latrine instead of Wolfgang’s cantina. Sure, I could have used the excuse that I was experiencing a mild case of ED – explosive diarrhea – from traveling all over the place. Instead though, I was amused at the clientele that frequent the “Johns”. I saw a guy that looked like Bill Crystal – the brainchild of Doctor Doom. Both honorary members of the PNAC debacle. PNAC’s absent minded agenda sent this country to war with Iraq, a screwed up mess that to date is costing $190,000,000,000 per year. And how many lives? If you have not educated yourself about the dealings of PNAC, you cannot blame George Bush for this fiasco. Now that amount of money could have cured breast cancer. It could have cured a whole lot of nasty things. I don’t believe “Democracy” is worth this amount of output if the people “under siege” cannot reciprocate. My sentiment, make the PNAC bastards pay for “their” war. Why should my son and daughter get stuck with such a sinful debt burden? I despise cowards, and all those individuals who signed on as signatories to “Democracize” the world are just that! One thing good about Bill Clinton, he didn’t bend over to PNAC’s demands to invade Iraq before there was a lam excuse and our presidency was taken over by a puppet dictatorship. Even George senior laughed at such a ridiculous venture, to invade Iraq. Why, they all knew there was no way out. These coward PNAC bastards should be held accountable. Let them parade down Congress Street of Portsmouth, N.H., wherein the “new age” youth hangout. Let the young “stone” them. I am not talking “stones”, but make the aging decrepit hunchback bastards smoke marijuana until they realize just how stupid their “latrine” agenda is. Sorry, off track. Back to people “urging to go” watching. Wow, wasn’t that Karen Hughes, the author of the “Last Train to Cookoville”? She was Bush’s right hand man, so maybe that is why she is in here instead of the lady’s latrine. And wasn’t that Alien Fleischer, at one time the Whitehouse spokesperson most likely to get dumped upon? I bet he misses being pandered, when airports were out of the question, traveling Air Force 1 style. But this place was buzzing with political notoriety. See, it was September “Debate” night in New Hampshire, so it was a sure bet that the pundits would be invading the “Love Free or Die” state. Live? Love? What is the big difference! It is amazing how many adults don’t wash their hands after pissing. And it is probably also amazing how many senators don’t wash their hands after stall duty. And who knows what goes on behind the big “House’s” closed doors. In actuality, I was hanging out in efforts to get to play footsies with my senator. Hey, if this is where democracy and diplomacy is now being manipulated, it opens up all kinds of possibilities. See, I think that was the real deal going down with Larry Craig. It had nothing to do with soliciting sex. Since “K” Street was closed down – the place wherein lobbyist stole the keys to the treasury – where else can deals be done deals? Poor Tom Delay, he was denied a speaking engagement at Columbia University. At the same time, that guy from Iran was an invited speaker. But Tom Delay, hey in my book he is a terrorist. Anybody who plays favor to a political agenda that is designed to disenfranchise the poor of America their vote, he should be spanked. Of course, maybe congressmen like to get spanked. Hey, if they like playing footsies in airport latrines, just think of the possibilities of other kink type enjoyment. And getting back to making deals behind closed “stall” doors, think about it, a “latrine” at an airport? Who would ever suspect such dealings in the making? Lets face it. All sorts use the airports, from dignitaries to politicians. So I think Craig in reality let the cat out of the bag. Well it is time to leave the latrine environment, as come about noon-time, airport bathrooms get overcrowded, with overflowing urine puddles. It gets tracked all throughout the airports then onto the planes. Honestly, the airlines should pass out those “use once” booties! So it was time, and I had some studying to do. I always find entertaining things to do at the airports. In fact, Logan is ahead of the rest, as the management has installed “rocking” chairs! It means “relax”. It means delays are expected. Now, why in hell is our government continuing to stupidly spend our money? This was no doubt a behind closed “stall” doors of a deal. It is a program designed to train TSA agents as “Behavioral Detection Officers”. According to one leading San Francisco researcher – milking the treasury tree – says “he’s gotten DOD funding to finish his work building an interactive training game that teaches people to be alert for facial expressions that often precede a physical assault”. Hey Paul, read my lips “Get a real job”. Is this “funding” part of that $190-billion dollar rip-off? Anyway, I thought I would play with this “behavioral” garbage. And these so-called “Behavioral Detection Officers” are now paying close attention to “you” in that security check-in line-up line. And get this, most recently the TSA pulled one guy out of line, because he was acting differently then the others. According to a TSA specialist, “Other travelers shuffling blankly along the security line that quiet afternoon showed all the emotions of cattle”. Are we supposed to look and act like cattle heading to the slaughter-house? It looks as though the “normal” guy’s behavior “deviated”, so it merited a closer look. What a load of BULLSHIT. Do our senators and congressmen allow this kind of stuff to get funded? Sounds like it is getting closer and closer to a bonafide “Soylent Green” state of affairs. Anyway, I had the opportunity to try out this “behavioral” game upon my traveling brothers and sisters. So the tell tale signs go like this. Ball cap and blue jeans, a definite suspected terrorist. Just looking around me, I was surrounded by terrorists! So we must expand upon “possible” suspects so as not to stereotype. In fact, I was wearing just that! This study goes on to talk about strange behaviors, like looking around to search for something. You know what, the airports are alive with good looking women of all ages and ethnic diversity. It is a live and free fashion show! Who isn’t searching? Hey, there’s a guy biting his fingernails and he looks nervous, a definite giveaway according to this taxpayer “funded” rip-off research. In fact, this guy looks suspiousios. He is dressed in a State Trooper’s uniform. Wow, should I tell the Homeland guys? Now maybe that would not be a good idea, as the nervous guy who passed a majority of the behavioral traits as a terrorist candidate, he has a loaded gun! What the hell is that smell? Some bastard just let out a gusher of a gasser, right here in public. He’s running towards the “John”. Damn, it looks like Don Young, my congressmen from Alaska. He seems nervous, like he’s up to something. This could be good, like some kind of “Rabid Skunk” deal going down. Maybe I can get a heads up and find myself on the contract end of a lucrative bridge to nowhere deal. Maybe a lot of land on Coconut Grove. Damn, if I only understood the Craig Code! Where did he go? Question of the day, “Who’s that behind door#1? Or may it be Door#2. I’m out of here, as waves of urine seem to be infiltrating the halls of Congress. Back to the FACS – Facial Action Coding System. Four individual facial expressions will get you a private session with a qualified TSA Behavioral something or another expert and your name on the “Most Qualified” list of would-be terrorists. This is not B.S. but what is going on outside every overflowing urinal at all the major city airports. And you are paying for it. There’s one, the “Brow Lowerer” It’s some old guy reading the newspaper about how his heating bill is going to increase by an additional $400 dollars. And another, the “Inner Brow Raiser”. It is some lady wearing a shirt that sports a picture of her dead soldier, as she reads about the latest casualty count. Then we come across the “Outer Brow Raiser”. Hey, it’s Don again. He must be letting out gas, surprised himself! And last but not least, the “Cheek Raiser and Lid Compressor”. Seems all the TSA guys that stare all day at those bags going through the X-Ray machine are a perfect match. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Say each one of these slowly and honestly, as each one will give the FACS system a true test. But watch out, someone may be watching! And the one missing out of the four FACS “you are a terrorist” criteria, the “Outer Brow Raiser”, just look at George Bush’s smirk! What a study! What a waste. So I end with this, “America, where are you now, don’t you care about your sons and daughters…” Damn, that little old Korean lady is moving one heap of a garbage pile out here at the airport. It is 2am, so this is when all of the clean-up takes place and the restrooms can dry out. All the TSA agents are having a multi-hour coffee break, as there are no travelers this early to harass. Maybe I should help the lady, as she is struggling. But that may not be a good idea. See, I might arouse an interest as a suspicious character, as it is out of the ordinary and we are supposed to act just like prodded cattle, or branded! Sorry, things are not like they used to be. Hey, there’s the “Three Stoolges”. Wow, this place is like Pennsylvania Avenue. See, Alaska believes in diversity. Once upon a time, Alaska was represented by the “Three Stoolges”. Namely Ted, Frank and Don. Now Frank thought it was important that the 49th state meet the Federal guidelines for gender quota, as that would mean more “pork” headed north and thrown away in fake “political” polls. So he resigned from his U.S. Senate seat, became Alaska’s governor and gave the “vacant” $170,000 a year senate seat to his daughter, for free with no strings attached. Now senators get subsidized for housing when in D.C., so Frank rents his old house out to his daughter. See, such can only be a deal made in “latrines”, as it stinks so badly. Then he sold the henhouse - a.k.a. oil taxation - to the FOX - a.k.a. “Big Oil”. Now Ted is under investigation by the FBI, IRS, WWW, XXX and others because he has secret powers. He is known as the “Hulk”. And somehow, his single story house way up in Alaska mysteriously “doubled” in size! Don also has secret powers, as “signed and sealed” appropriation bills have mysteriously been altered, behind closed doors, or maybe from behind “latrine stall” doors. Is there a better word then “CORRUPT”? Sure is, “Corrupt Bastards”, but it doesn’t meet the “gender” criteria. Wow, the TSA agents have found something to do, as it seems out of the ordinary that a group of people - the Three Stoolges - are wide awake this time of the day. And they are not acting like cattle! See, the “Stoolges” just arrived from somewhere via an incoming flight. But the official “Arrival/Departure” display doesn’t indicate any arrivals? Oh, they are coming from the “Private” airline arrival gate. So of course they don’t feel like “cattle”! I forgot, it is called segregated “privacy”. So as true grit American’s put up with less and less privacy, our so-called elected “brats” can have cake and eat it too. And don’t forget the “leftovers”! All at “Freedom’s” expense. So I end with this again, “America, where are you now, don’t you care about your sons and daughters…” Surely our elected officials don’t, as like the overflowing urinals spill-out putrid disgust, so does political “corruption” overflow from the fountain of “Freedom Is Lost”!

CopyRight 2007 – Dixie Productions/MSK Media/Eagle Rock Press @ Storylineonline@gci.net or Storylineonline.com

Wanted: True Alaskans

Wanted: True Alaskans
What ever happened to “True Alaskans”? Having spent 30-years here and raising a family, I believe I am qualified to ask such a demanding question. And I know the answer. The other day I was waiting to catch a flight from Seattle to Anchorage. The Port of Seattle, like most other major cities, has jumped on the bandwagon to go “Green”. So the airport authority has invested in these trash receptacles that makes recycling easy. So I watched as those waiting to board the plane north prepared for departure. There came no separation attempts, all trash! You could not make it any easier. Now maybe these travelers heading north were not true bonafide Alaskans. Maybe visitors, but it was that time of year wherein fishing is dead and hunting is over with. Anyway, why in hell buy an Alaskan fishing license? I don’t. Why? Because this is a “corrupt state”. So corrupt, that now our local representatives will be able to justify a “bridge” to a new state penitentiary, to house the “Corrupt Bastards”. And maybe it can be a combined state and Federal jail, as it will suffice for all the “bastards” under indictment. Anyway, do not you question your rights? Why is it that you are paying extra for your “Resident” sportfish license? It is a surcharge. I hope you ask why and know not the reason. So here it is in truth. It is a story wherein greed gets one up on righteousness. It all started back in the Clinton administration, to go “Green”. A study indicated that the government was very wasteful when it came to energy efficiency. So Bill - when not busy with Monica - signed an order that mandated that each and every government installation or facility had to get “better” efficiency when it came to fossil fuel usage. Some military bases were shut down because of this, as it was too costly to update in some instances. But not to fear here in Alaska, as we had Uncle Ted to look after our interests. In fact, as many bases felt the ax, the military bases in Alaska faired well. Two of interest that come to mind are the Elmendorf Air Force Base and adjoining Fort Richardson Army Base. Both bases were ahead of the “green” light when it came to providing electrical power and steam heating - efficiently. The CHPP – Central Heating and Power Plant – at Elmendorf had already been converted from oil fuel over to natural gas. It was a clean burning plant. And it had enough capacity to feed Fort Richardson, so this place was already “Green”. And to make it even “greener”, the CHPP provided “heated” water for the Ship Creek Hatchery. Really, excess heat from the steam turbines was routed to the hatchery. We are talking massive amounts of 50-degree water, 365-days a year! It was all controlled by the power plant operators. Besides keeping runway lights on for returning F16 pilots, it was the second most critical task. What it did meant two things of interest. It provided a controlled environment to raise thousands of fish, so you and I and tourists alike could “fish on”. The numbers of fry that came from this hatchery due to the ideal conditions was mind-boggling. And it represented a 20-million dollar a year profit for the state. For FREE. It was a win, win situation all around. So what if there existed no state and federal separation, it was working and interference need not be part of this “Good Samaritan” equation. This was for the fish! Then the shit hit the fan. See, as part of President Clinton’s “energy” program, some greedy bastards saw an opportunity to rip off the military. In turn, that made way for a rip-off aimed at the Alaska sportfish people. It went like this. Military housing was one of those areas where energy efficiency was lacking. So the military requested funding for new housing, on many bases around the country. But the bastards of greed moved in and saw a lucrative opportunity. At Elmendorf, the new military housing was forced to go “privatized”. And guess who steered a lucrative 450-million dollar housing contract to a buddy? Yes indeed, Uncle Ted. In fact, Uncle Ted was forced to divest away from the private venture, for close to 2-million dollars. So what, some may say, they all do it. OK, I will give you that. But here is where you and I really got screwed over. Once the housing went privatized, the military could no longer supply power and heat, as the military is not a utility. It falls under the same scrutiny as “anti-trust”. So, the CHPP was loosing customers, a big customer, as housing is what the power plant operators tried to keep warm. So a decision was made by the top brass to shut the aging power plant down. I say aging, because it was built in the 50’s. But it was such a robust plant, it could have easily lasted another 50-years. And it was so environmentally friendly a plant, the state didn’t even require air monitoring! It was clean. So eventually – about 2-years following the beginning of the housing privatization program – the power plant shut-down. Now the demands for electricity and heat didn’t go away, it was just passed on to another entity trying to fatten the pot. ML&P was given a contract to provide electricity as was a natural gas contract awarded to another separate entity – to make money. But that came at a cost greater then what you and I pay outside the perimeter of the base. In fact, today the government must subsidize the housing, as the troops cannot afford to pay the increasing energy bills. See, it goes like this. When the power plant was supplying all the electrical and heating needs, it had less of a loss ratio. Basically, energy in doesn’t equal energy out due to energy loss in the conversion process. With the new housing, each facility has its own heating system, so the losses are multiplied. This is in no way shape or form what the government had in mind. It was an entrepreneurial rip-off, fostered by a corrupt senator with corrupt friends. Now here is where it gets ugly. See, when the power plant shutdown, the excess heat that was once free, it disappeared. The hatchery had to scramble to get boilers designed, built and installed. In fact, temporary boilers were required because everybody in their brother tried in vain to keep the power plant running. The governor wrote letters to the military, so did his daughter, in the capacity of a U.S. Senator. Don Young was involved. Everybody tried to do something except Ted. Why, our loss was his gain. And we are talking big boilers. And that is why the kids didn’t get to fish this past year at the yearly “SportFish” Exposition here in Anchorage. A father and son affair wherein the Fish & Game would construct a pool with real live fish! Kids loved it. Not this year, because there were no fish big enough, because Ted stole the heat! So that is why you and I are paying this surcharge. It will most likely never go away, as fuel costs are increasing and it takes more manpower then ever, to maintain the heating system at the hatchery. So no matter what people say about Ted, what he did for his friends, it was not for the rest of us. And isn’t that what we elected him for, to represent us? I hope he does hard time, and maybe he can recollect that what he did was not fair. So “True” Alaskans, maybe it is time to boycott that surcharge. Somebody is getting rich off of this sad seedy dealing. We as taxpayers are paying more, just to fish. When at the same time, Mr. Philanthropist - Ted’s Slumlord friend - gets his name posted in every flyer and concert portfolio for every major town event, like he is a “good” guy. He’s a crook, aided and abetted by a U.S. Senator. And what really irks me off, when the power plant was running, it didn’t pollute any where near what the privatized housing puts out on a daily basis. And just think, we were at one time the “greenest” of states and getting “greener”. Now though, maybe the “greediest”, thanks to the “Corrupt Bastards” united. So, be a true Alaskan, don’t buy a fishing license. Not until Ted antes up and pays for his shenanigans, that has left little kids crying because the fishing derby has been cancelled. In fact, teach your kids well, as they need to know the truth and consequences of Alaskan style “Corruption”.

CopyRight 2007 – Dixie Productions/MSK Media/Eagle Rock Press @ Storylineonline@gci.net or Storylineonline.com

Editor's Choice

Editor’s Choice
It must be a difficult job these days, as editor-in-chief of a newspaper syndicate. Especially here in Anchorage! Wherein the murderers are in constipation with the “Corrupt Bastards” in constipation with “Ugly” Nancy – a.k.a. Big Oil. I could have used the word “competition”, but I am talking a newspaper’s newsworthiness here. With the cut, paste and copy revolution upon us and journalists equipped with PC’s - instead of the old fashion printing press - the placement, formatting and editing of articles is probably an easy accomplishment. At the same time, it is probably very easy for something – like a headline – to get lost in action, maybe arranged not quite in the right place to get the point across. Case in point: The Anchorage Daily Stool. The headlines, “Anchorage Police Cite then Forgive Jaywalkers”. A sidebar to this article went like this, “I think we did a shock and awe today.” This quote supposedly by the Lieutenant of the Anchorage Police Traffic Unit. Same front-page addition included another headline that went like this, “Big Oil Fights Change In Tax”. I believe this “shock and awe” side-bar is mixed up a bit. See, the $150,000 dollar blitzkrieg campaign to inform you and I that with increased taxation upon the oil industry means no more “Big Fat” PFD’s, this is nothing short of a vain attempt to shock and awe – the fear factor once again. “Ugly” Nancy has been playing this game for 30-years now, successfully. Look, unless you are an “American Citizen Left Behind”, corruption goes hand in hand. We have corrupt politicians that have caved into corrupt oil companies. Monkey see, monkey do mentality it is. I could go on about “Ugly” Nancy, but who would listen? Frank never listened! Wow, the tourist season is over with so it is time to harass the residents of Anchorage? I will take that back. The tourist leave here with a sense of “shock and awe”, over the price of things. Anyway, I like the forgiveness clause in the “jaywalking” citation, “Violators ticketed – during a sting operation which involved the same kind of plainclothesmen that made friends with Larry Craig – are off the hook for the fine and the ticket won’t show up on their records”! You know what, as a law-abiding citizen, I would love to have on my record a “jaywalking” citation. “Sorry, Mr. MaGee, we would like to offer you a job as a Walmart greeter, but this citation”? This is like Alice’s Restaurant - Remake! Back to “Ugly” Nancy. Answer me this, does Chuck Logsdon get a PFD? This guy was the state’s chief petroleum economist for at least 20-years wherein “Ugly” Nancy ripped off the state. He was either dumb founded or positioning himself for a consultants job. It worked! So he now fetches a “STATE” retirement and is out to help the industry to continue to screw ALASKANS. There may not be a law against this, but like mentioned earlier, monkey see, monkey do, ethics is constipated. And if you believe these adds, then my counter-point should also be of interest – the rest of the story. Case in point again: I was a communications technician for an outfit on an outsourcing contract to provide services to one of the biggest “Ugly” Nancy partners - which means it was a way to save money. In the old days, we were called phone technicians and walked around with a device called a “Butt” set. It was basically an eavesdropping telephone. If you can find one technician out there that didn’t at one time or another listen in on a private conversation, their lying. And the modern day “Butt” sets, they are pretty sophisticated. Just ask Kott. Now this eavesdropping doesn’t stop at a phone conversation. With modern day computer-to-computer correspondences, there is something somewhere at the hands of the “techie” – for eavesdropping fun. Basically, nothing is private. That is why the Supreme Court ruled that the U.S. Constitution does not guarantee such a right. We thought it did, it doesn’t. Now I remember one time when up at Prudhoe Bay we were instructed to a “tight well” site to disconnect all phone lines and install encryption gadgets on the “Deep” system. This was down-hole exploration data that was to be beamed “somewhat” directly to the BP headquarters building in Anchorage. The management was so concerned about espionage, that all the workers’ radios were also confiscated. Cell phones don’t work way out on an ice-island, so that was not a concern. In fact, all but essential workers were sent shore-side while the critical data was retrieved, encrypted and sent to a safe location far and away. Now like mentioned before, this data ends up somewhere before it gets to its desired destination. Like back at the Prudhoe Bay base camp! Where the telecommunications equipment hung out. Where lazy technicians hung out, waiting to eavesdrop or nap. So we were board, as it was a Sunday, and they feed you too much damn good food at the camps. So we decided to hookup another de-crypter, from the encrypted signal coming from the “tight well”. It worked, as we watched in amusement all this data get printed out. It was harmless, as we were not geologist and had no idea what it all meant. One guy actually considered trying to sell it on E-Bay. So, with a few tools of the trade and access to every computer on the slope, even the “Big Wig” managers, there existed all kinds of possibilities. And this one guy we worked with, he had a way to monitor keyboard keystrokes from where we sat in the PBX room, so one could get anywhere and anything. With a critical password, we could fake the system and be “anybodies” computer. So, like normal behavior, it was not unusual to find somebody tapped into the top managements’ computers. Really, some guys would spend hours looking through another’s E-mail. I wasn’t interested in looking at E-mail type “lovey dovey” notes sent to some guy’s wife. But the data on “Lifting” costs is what astounded me. It was right there on the screen, in a “CONFIDENTIAL” E-mail correspondence. This is where I lost all faith in “Ugly” Nancy, as for years I believed that it was indeed costing an arm and a leg to get oil out of the ground up here. Now, this was when oil hit an all time low of $7.50 a barrel. It was a sad time when drilling rigs around the world were being sent to the graveyards of rust. The “Official” average “Lifting” costs for Prudhoe Bay oil was $5.25 per barrel. “Lifting” is a snazzy word for “everything”. From workers’ wages, to pipe to food to fuel. So even with world-wide depressed oil prices, this place was making enough to break over-even. See, it makes sense. By this time in Alaska, the infrastructure was paid for. There was nothing going into the aging field’s infrastructure, except workers’ wages. Which by this time had dwindled down to bare bottom basics, as a majority of the maintenance was slashed. This is no lie. So back then, when Saudi Arabia was experiencing a cash flow problem - as that country’s “lifting” costs were higher then that found in Alaska – and they keep upgrading so as not to pollute, Alaska’s “Ugly” Nancy was crying. But it was really a laugh. So now we have oil at $70.00 a barrel and climbing. And “Ugly” Nancy is crying again over this state’s attempt to get what is rightfully ours – just compensation for the resources we own! Now there is a little effort to replace pipe that is falling apart up north, after years of neglect, but all-in-all, the rape continues. Now answer me this, how come “Ugly” Nancy has not been indicted, along with the “Corrupt Bastards”? Maybe because a corporation is indeed a “person”, but without a soul. And did Bill Allen just wake up one morning on his own accord and try to make deals with Ben and company. Or did “Ugly” Nancy have something to do with it? So for some 30-years now the citizens of Alaska have been financially crippled by the “shock and awe” tactics of “Ugly” Nancy. With help from Frank, Ben, Ted and I am sure Don has something to do with it, when he is not running away from “rabid” skunks. The whole thing stinks, as the citizens of this state have no idea what kind of game is played out day in day out in the board rooms of “Ugly” Nancy and partners - for the last 30-years. Shock and Awe, I guess it has worked, but it is more akin to “economic” torture. And had we had ethical representation from the get-go, both on the Federal and local level of confidence and competence, the oil industry would not have gotten away with it. Our representation sold the crown jewels. We gave up our wealth for welfare relief, so the scoundrels could keep a few friends, as corruptness doesn’t breed friendship, but breeds evil. It must be hard realizing you have very few true friends, only those that are in reality leeches. Do you really think that Bill Allen and Ted are still friends? But maybe that is what prison is all about – to awake and make new friends. So, in a nutshell, here is my take on the whole situation. To see Kott and Tom get guilty verdicts, there is the ever more increasing possibility that the same will hit Ben and Ted and others. And I am sure Frank is not so safe. But these guys were manipulated. I say throw the book at “Ugly” Nancy. Throw the bums out, and make them take that “fake” flag back home with them. In fact, a flag burning is in order in my book. Remember, there is no law that disallows the burning of another country’s flag. Hey, if Hugo can kick the bums out, we can surely do the same. And as penance, for the “Corrupt Bastards”, Bean’s Café dish duty will do. So Bon voyage “Ugly” Nancy and company and “Don’t come back now, ya hear”!

CopyRight 2007 – Dixie Productions/MSK Media/Eagle Rock Press @ Storylineonline@gci.net or Storylineonline.com

BAD Intelligence

Another Case of BAD Intelligence

Answer me this Big Wild Life residents. Did the D.O.T. use the same level of intelligence to build the Round-abouts as George Bushy Brain used to go to war with Iraq? Time wise, this reasoning is justifiable. The Round-abouts are a compete failure and evidence that the evolutionary process for some is lagging behind others. I guess the “No D.O.T. Engineer Left Behind” program was a flop. And I hope the engineers responsible for approving this cost saving blunder are enjoying their pay raises! See, maneuvering around a Round-about is definitely a test of intelligence. It is akin to success with the round peg in the square hole, the squeeze theory. It can work with a little help from a friend. In the Round-about case, a friendly driver who is not out to win a land speed race. The initial well-used Round-about here in the Big Wild Life city of Anchorage raises the road-rage index by a factor of “Off Scale”, or tilt. The brain synopsis sidetracked for this maneuvering detail causes a deficit in the intelligence category. Add to that some egomaniac depression - male period - from a young punk behind the wheel of a pick-up truck, it is a sure sign that Anchorage’s Big Wild Life may be in trouble trying to imitate the chicken - by crossing the road. The other day, I hit the highway exit to the frontage road Round-about. Damn, the exit was crowded. But it could not have been an accident, as the weather was mild and the roads were dry. People think that their insurance rates are going up to cover Katrina claims. Not so, it is to cover collision claims submitted by Anchorage drivers. Anyway, I watched in my rear view mirror as two punk drivers coming off the highway yielded the right-of-way of others and soon it was testament that road side trash is now a year round problem, with abandoned junk vehicles. See, with the exit ramp crowded and a Ted Stevens approved exit speed, there is no way in hell you cannot trash your vehicle. Anyway, for those with patience, the wait in line game to gain access through only half of this ridiculousness required twenty minutes. See, we have high-ranking intelligence that said instead of one Round-about, make it a double whammy. This about face in safe road design started about 4-years ago. You would think by now people would have some semblance of a memorized instruction set, as to how to drive the get dizzy lanes safely. But testament to “99.9% of Anchorage Drivers are Left behind”, each corner has been taken over by a tow truck driver that is probably making a bundle. And it provides free entertainment. Now one positive aspect of the “bouts”, it is about the only intersection around Anchorage that hasn’t become a hangout for panhandlers. Why? It is too damn dangerous! People branded with the BWL - Big Wild Life - have no idea how to maneuver ethically through these lanes of opportunity. Talk about branded, did you realize that the BWL slogan is a trademark, so you can’t use it without permission from some guy who is either stoned or hit his head on a mantel? Anyway, the D.O.T. ethics committee should have realized this before the office assistant - a.k.a. auto-cad do my job while I go fishing - informed the engineer-in-charge that cutting down on the road costs by 50 percent would be an incentive to increase his salary by the same. Isn’t that how it works? See, we get so much damn pork money for renewable highways that the money isn’t an issue. I say renewable because we spend a million dollars a mile for a piece of road that lasts at most two winters. The roads could be designed to last, but that would not allow for the making of millionaire contractors who are required to hand over campaign contributions so the pork distribution addicts can be re-elected, thus more pork-ears. Did you realize where the “earmarks” came from? Well since pork ears have become a valuable commodity, monkey-see, monkey-do mentality found that the Congress wasn’t taking advantage of all the pork, so came yet another way to secretly funnel the taxpayers’ money through to friends, thus came the earmarks. And they have the nerve to call it legislation? How about “sleazegislation”. I’m with Mark Twain when it comes to our representatives. Something to the effect when they are not serving the people they should be serving time! Back to the highways and byways. No other state has this problem, with the highways that is. And what’s with the cheap highway marker paint? You can’t blame this one on the weather as some states have just as bad of conditions. Yet still have painted road lane lines. See, there is an incentive here. Every Alaskan road project is an automatic two-year extended project. Even if it means a simple project like putting up a dead end street sign. It works like this according to the one-man theory approach. If Joe Signoffman wins a bid to put up a “Dead End” sign, he knows if he plays the cards right, he will be able to spend his winter time off in Hawaii. Of course, there exist other priorities before hitting the beach. Hey, am I supposed to be putting up a sign? Now the start of the project is intentionally put off until after the salmon fishing season. The excuse that good workers are hard to come by! With that in mind, by the time the equipment is ordered, in this case a shovel, it is winter. So the work is put on hold until break-up, which is at least 6-months away. Now the contractor could be at a disadvantage, due the seasons. So the contract allows for paying the contractor for renting the equipment, in this case the shovel, for the entire “put off” season. Joe is smart, so he rents out the shovel for snow removal. Now since the contractor would be at an even greater disadvantage, because the shovel is in reality still on the job - even though it is a stalled job - it requires an operator. So the contractor receives a wage equal to that as if the shovel guy was gainfully employed. On top of that, there is a guaranteed fee, for the administration crap costs of doing business. Now the contractor is getting paid for the shovel, which is most likely at a cost that could buy a new shovel and is getting a wage for a shovel operator plus a handsome fee plus some equipment storage fees, because shovels are in demand in the winter, so leaving it at the construction site could be grounds for a law-suit. See, if somebody decided to use the shovel and went injured, some little people litigation lawyer would sue the city for a million dollars. Now since it is a “construction zone”, there has to be at least a dozen other signs, all rented for the occasion through the contractor who gets a percentage of the take. And up to now, nothing has been accomplished accept some signs posted, for a sign project! Next step, multiply this by several hundred workers on a big job, one can see why most Alaskan contractors spend winter in Hawaii. And when the project is finished, they can buy a mansion abroad and become a bonafide member of the Ben & Bill club. Of course that club may be moving behind bars for protection. This is what happens in a welfare state, like Alaska is. Oil, what’s that? So when the freshly slaughtered pork feeds the blood pudding, why bother making something that will last. Of course, this state is loosing ground with the pork. We will end up with gravel roads once again. But gravel Round-abouts work better, no sanding required. On loosing ground, Ted is forgetful these days. Ted is this state’s saving grace when it comes to the pork barrel. See, he forgot about paying for a stay at an exclusive fishing lodge here in Alaska. It happened in 2001, at a cost of $1182 American campaign dollars. It happened once again in 2003, at a cost of $1071 American campaign dollars. Now this was just for a three-night stay. He stayed there in 2002, but didn’t forget to pay, as it was a re-election year. Amazing grace I say. The forgetfulness. Sounds pretty creative. I’m glad for one thing about the Republicans, that they have lost control of the helm. See, Ted was Pro Tempore. He is known to have a temper. Which means because of his golden age, he was the forth in-line of succession to takeover the presidency should something happen to Bush, Cheney and Hasters. Believe me, no mater how bad Bush is, can you imagine having any of those other named characters in charge of the U.S.S. Hailburton? I heard that Bush had a few moles removed from his face, who were they? Grapevine said one was named Hannity and the other Coulter. Want to hear another one about the men and women of the D.O.T. Take the road construction along Abbott Loop. Like mentioned before, intelligence lacking decisions. First and foremost, in order to catch that “first” plane to Hawaii, it was required to place an “S” curve somewhere towards the end of the construction season. Of course, “S” curves are becoming popular around Anchorage. See, when the D.O.T. redesigned the Dimond & Seward Highway intersection, they forgot to include an on ramp for drivers going north, towards Trailer Trashville - that name according to Ben, son of Ted! I understand they blamed this missing road blunder on the “autocad”, or was it the FOX. So now in efforts to get on the highway, just speed along the frontage road. That is where the notorious “S” curve has claimed more accidents then anywhere else in town. Now back to the Bragaw extension. Like I mentioned before, the word “extension” has nothing to do with the road itself, just the time element involved to get something accomplished. So along with the new “S” curve that is very deceiving in the middle of a straight road, there was the intellectual decision to place “Jersey” barriers along a section of the road that had been turned into swamp because the underground multi-million dollar drainage design didn’t work as planned. According to sources, this design was stamped with serial number 001, and designed as part of a Popsicle stick bridge competition. And since the plows can’t throw the snow overboard because of the barriers height, there exists this mile high snow-berm that runs along the road for about a mile. Now this is prime moose grazing area, wherein moose get caught in the road and can’t find freedom. So this section of the road turns into the likes of a pinball machine, where the trucks and cars act like the bumpers and the moose ricochet here there and everywhere. Of course, the greatest achievement wherein the D.O.T. gets credit is in the design and building of the U.S.S. Ted Stevens. I am talking about the “Big Ugly”, in comparison to Boston’s “Big Dig”. When the Aurora shows and fog rolls in off of the inlet, with the towering masts it looks like a ship, more like a pirate ship. It didn’t even pass the sea trials and has been retired and now is the Ted Stevens International Airport Terminal. Did you realize that the airlines agreed on this, but only when it was realized that it would increase a passenger’s fare by only $2.80 on a round-about trip. But the D.O.T. people once again had bad intelligence. Somebody – maybe a HailBurton engineer – insisted that the masts didn’t have to be designed to handle an earthquake! So the main masts sat over on the runway, rusting away, for well over an entire year, so the engineers could redesign the components to survive an earthquake. Like they just realized this is earthquake country. Hey, what happened on Good Friday? Besides the Exxon Valdez wreck. Now since this ship was destined to be landlocked, it had to withstand a Richter rector shaker. In the end, it costs you and I a whopping $5.43 cents for a one-way voyage out of here. I bet road boring and surface contractors have that fee included in their bids, when they must leave for Hawaii. Anyway, Anchorage could have been a model city if… Wait a minute, Alaska could have been a model state had we listened to the admirable consultants and held out on giving away the resources. Bottom line, we have become hostage to Ted’s & Don’s pork, addicted to it, so the oil companies could rob this state blind. Early on consultants, most who were called idiot socialists, fashioned this state comparable to Kuwait, had we done it right. Case in point. Alaska gets only a pittance of a royalty for letting a foreign oil company walk off with the loaded up lock-box – key included. That pittance amounts to 12.5%. For those left behind, that is about a half of a ¼-pounder with cheese. It’s like “can you eat just one”. It sucks. Add on to that a tariff for shipping this black goo-goo down the pipeline, it amounts to grand theft larceny in my book. Now one may ask where this 12.5 percent comes from. It is a baby-step formula that is found in “Oil Economics 101”. It is an easy number to work with when one is studying the oil and gas tax code. It doesn’t mean anything of value, as the true royalty is a complicated number. Take California for instance. The royalty there can reach 50 percent, but you don’t see the oil companies complaining like a bunch of kindergarten kids who didn’t get a nap or cookies and milk. We got screwed, and its been going on now for 30-years and still counting. We should not have been allowed to become this nation’s biggest welfare blunder state. There is no argument over this fact, just ask John McCain! Had our representatives been for the people and not for the corporation, we would not be in the predicament that is about to hit our economy with the likes of Katrina. Now, another D.O.T. blunder of interest is the road that leads to nowhere. The Dalton Highway is the exclusive road for the oil industry. It is the bloodline for that entity only. Maybe some hunters use the road, but bottom-line, it is for the exclusive use of getting food and supplies north to Prudhoe Bay. Guess who pays for the maintenance? And get this, the maintenance for that road alone - some 400-miles - costs more then the entire road maintenance budget for Anchorage’s road system. But maybe that is OK, as we all benefit from the resources, just nowhere near enough as we should have enjoyed. It is too late now to turn back the clock of forfeiture. And to see anything different with a natural gas line perking up an interest, don’t hold your breath as novel intelligence signed, sealed and delivered a deal - thanks to Frank. I wonder if Sarah can get out of this one without a new hairdo, as the lawyers are lining up, to line their pockets. It will be the State versus Frank’s Oil Consortium. It will become protracted litigation. Now whose side do you think Frank will side with? Remember, we booted him out of office! Hey, is it true that the taxpayers pay for Lisa’s housing in D.C.? And does that property still belong to Frank? What a rip off. Maybe the D.O.T. isn’t so bad after all, again on a comparison basis. I need a Popsicle to cool me off. And hail the T.S.A, as they have succeeded in getting unionized under the Federal Workers Union. They needed representation, especially with all the B.S. they put up with working over at Ted’s sinking ship. Hey, do us a favor and put Don back on the terrorist list. I guess Ted had a temper tantrum over that one, the unionization, saying something to the effect…sorry it’s Sunday and I can’t repeat it. OK, he said, “They should not have the basic rights”. Shame, shame. And Don wanted to hang his comrades for acting like Abraham Lincoln. Nice polite politics we have in this day and age. No wonder Putin is laughing out loud. As is Kennedy in his grave, as is Nixon, as is Ford as is Regan. And I am sure George Bush senior is having the laugh of his life. That his son won at re-election, basically won the battle but is loosing the war. Remember, old George didn’t win a second term, and he was a smart man. Maybe, just maybe we have been successful in defining “Artificial Intelligence”, courtesy the Commander in Thieves.

CopyRight 2007 MSK Media/Eagle Rock Press

Alaskan Energy "101"

Energy “101”, for Sarah and Everybody Else Left Behind!
A March “Chinook” is causing heavy breathing over Anchorage today. I think I heard the faint sounds of paper being shred, a sound that normally means somebody is trying to hide the evidence. And it is coming from a southerly direction. Hey, that is from Juneau. But that sound seemed old, and was just making its way this way – propagation delay. So it probably originated when Frank was vacating his office. To bad, as I hope the good stuff was archived, so someday the residents of this state – a state that supposedly has an open-records statute – could see what kind of deal Frank had put together with a little help from his friends – namely “Big Oil”. It is my firm belief that if Frank couldn’t get a stick of gas-line pipe in the ground, forget about another boom! Now I am sure had the deal gone through – if Ben wasn’t in hiding – it was most likely a one sided deal, because Frank is a business man over a working man and most likely gave away the hen-house, during his secret lock stock and barrel bottom basement sell-out negotiations. Just the way “Big Oil” likes it. But that is how “Big Oil” has maintained control over this state’s resources for some 30-years now. It is a complicated affair. No love loss here, just pure manipulation. In a nutshell, “Big Oil” gets away with rape. If you don’t believe me, you have no idea how they operate. And answer me this if you don’t believe it. How come this state is the biggest welfare state – with reference to Federal pork – when we also have the largest oil fields in North America? Gotcha! But Frank has vanished, so has his “Big Gas” proposal. And lets face it. This state has been dreaming about a gas pipeline as long as the “doom and gloom” Cyclops has been predicting “Armageddon”! But this morning, low and behold, we have before us another “Big Gas” proposal, from Sarah. I had heard faint rumors about this deal the other night, on the Santa Claus reunion broadcast – Anchorage Edition. It seems everybody present was already laughing up a storm, at Sarah’s proposal. I am not laughing. Let’s face the facts of discrimination, as it is alive and well here in Alaska, the “Lost Resource” state. I mean Todd let us down. Hey, would you have your picture pasted on the front page of the Daily Stool, as the spouse that had to leave a rough and tough oil field union worker’s job for a desk job? Gag me with a spoon! Now I hope for the best, for both of them. Hey Todd, how’s the broom sweeping? Now I am glad that Sarah hit the trail directed by the compass, as I was not about to read the official proposal. I have better things to do then read something that is in reality just a tabloid of untrue and unreasonable goals. So Sarah used the Compass to list the important aspects of her “Big Gas” proposal. It goes like this. Her so-called GIA can be whittled down to four important aspects. First on the list, timetables. Second, jobs for Alaskans. Third, gas for Alaskans and fourth and final, low tariffs. That must be a typo. As an exercise in impotence, lets cover each one in detail to see if this thing has wings. Timetables? Damn, there isn’t any steel available, so making pipe for this project is like asking the Grand Wizard to give the straw-man an out when the fields are ablaze. And it is usually permits and lawsuits, both unpredictable, that makes bench-marking and timetables only good for the day the plan was dreamed up. Unpredictable because such endeavors to proceed involves the bureaucracy. Think back Alaskan, how long and how many times was construction on the oil pipeline halted? It would be nice, but nice try Sarah! Jobs for Alaskans? Right now as we speak, there is nowhere near enough qualified help to build even a fish tank here in Alaska. Welders can’t be found, not even in the Bayou. So unless we begin a rigorous training program right away, forget about jobbing Alaskans. Plus, most Alaskans that have trades that could support building a pipeline are already gainfully employed. There is so much work going on up North in Prudhoe Bay, it is even hard to find a vacant bed. And an eighteen-hour day on the time clock seems to be the norm! Again, nice try Sarah. Gas for Alaskans? We already own the gas. And if you are talking gas for heating, how is that gas going to get from the interior to Anchorage? Now Fairbanks may benefit, but whoopee-dodo. No way in hell is Enstar in financial good standing to build a pipeline to transport gas from Fairbanks proper to Anchorage. And if they or anybody else did, it would cause a major headache for the gas owners. So having five take off points doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Case in point. When the oil pipeline was designed, at the bottom of Thompson’s Pass there was designated a take-off point to install a power turbine. As the oil comes crashing down through the pass, it is basically “free” energy. But after thirty years, there is no turbine, one that could if it were turning generate enough electricity to power Valdez and Glenallen. Why? Once again, who owns the oil? If the oil companies had decided to invest and sell power, it would have opened up the books of evidence to just how much it costs them to do business. And if ever there was a need to tap into the gas line, if built, that is what a “hot tap” is designed to do. So take-off points as part of the contract, what the hell for?. Again, nice try Sarah. Now the fourth “carrot” is really interesting. If this “low tariff” thing is not a mistake, then kiss this entire proposal “DOA”. Advertising a “low tariff” is like giving away your 2nd Amendment rights. This proposal is auguring in! See, there is no such thing as a “low tariff” in this state. Not when it comes to “Big Oil”. And remember one basic fact, “Big Oil” owns the “gas”. Even though the state’s Constitution stipulates that the resources belong to the people, it is theirs - “Big Oink Oil” - by virtue of the leases they sit on year after year after year. All we will get out of it is a pettily royalty. That is the key to Sarah gaining success over this type of venture. All she had to say was read my lips, no “new” taxes, just a 50% royalty. So let us take a look at what this tariff thing is all about. First there is a basic element of surprise that Energy “101” must emphasize upon. When crude oil comes up out of the ground, what is it good for? Nothing. It can’t be used for anything except polluting. So it must be sent somewhere to be refined. During the voyage, it takes on a nasty disposition. What I mean, since it doesn’t have a worth at the well-head, being unrefined, it takes on all these bogus freight charges along the way. Most of the time, unaccounted for charges. This is why “crude oil” is like gold. A few pennies here there and everywhere, you get the jest. Now with respect to the oil pipeline, it is the “Big Oil” that finds the oil, extracts the oil, pumps the oil, spills the oil, so who will help them profit from the oil? 2nd verse, NOT the same as the first. See, natural gas is a whole different board game. I can walk up to a well in Prudhoe Bay and attach my natural gas Coleman stove and in no time flat be brewing tea. What I am getting at, it is already useable. It is marketable out of the ground. There exists very little secret costs that can be negotiated with it, accept an inflated tariff. So the only way that “Big Oil” will be interested in a gas pipeline if it is “their” pipeline, just like the oil pipeline. In fact, the Trans-Alaska-Pipeline works entirely different then any other pipeline in the world. See, it utilizes a “decreasing” tariff. You will not find this kind of madness in any pipeline accounting books. It just doesn’t make sense, unless there is an ulterior motive. Of course there is. “MONEY, money, money, money, MONEY”. See, by owning the oil and the pipeline, they can charge themselves a “tariff”, which acts as a bottom-line write-off to the profits. It is perfectly legal, as nobody gets economically disadvantaged over this accept the State of Alaska and any independent that wants to pump oil in “their” pipeline. Think about it. How many “independents” have packed up and moved away? Sure they found oil, but when it came to shipping it down the monopolized dipstick, there was no way a profit could be made. See, the tariff is artificially inflated for the purpose of a write-off. But an independent cannot take full advantage of it, not like Alaskan style “Big Oil”. Don’t believe me? Just bore yourself with the archived and current lawsuits over this so-called “tariff”. So a low tariff doesn’t make “bean-sense”. Unless “Big Oil” has figured out some other way to fatten the hog. Which reminds me. How come the rest of the world is placing emphasis on “White Crude” instead of just pumping or liquefying natural gas? Really, there is more money being invested in this technology, now proven reliable and economically feasible with the current price of crude oil. It is outpacing all other technologies with regards to getting the biggest bang out of the world’s natural gas reserves. See, this is a proven process that takes natural gas and turns it into what is commonly referred to as “white crude” oil. From gas to liquid and stable at standard conditions – the ambient temperature and pressures typical of a crude oil pipeline. So what is the advantage of this kind of process, even if it is more expensive then just compressing and transporting natural gas in its “natural” state? Because it is still considered “crude oil”, so it can rely on all of the “extra” curricular penny pinching that makes sending this commodity to markets worldwide worthwhile. Getting Alaskan natural gas to markets in the lower 48 has nothing to do with energy needs. As far as the “Big Oil” is concerned, if it isn’t sent to markets now, maybe someday it will be needed at any cost and the secret cost-for-profit additions will not be a bother like it is now. Creative manipulations, yes indeed. In my younger days, when smoking was still an accepted past-time, when those hooked on the habit needed a fix, all one would have to do is mention the word “tariff” during an “Owner Company” meeting dealing with the Trans-Alaskan-Pipeline System – TAPS. It had to do with “anti-trust”. “Big Oil” was scared stiff-less over somebody claiming “anti-trust”, which would have allowed litigation and the Fed.’s would then have had the opportunity to subpoena the goods. And that is why these so-called take off points don’t make a damn bit of sense except nonsense! Say a local investor wanted to take gas from Fairbanks to Anchorage, by building a trunk pipeline from Sarah’s GIA line south. Well, since it would be a pipeline for the consumers, all the data that was used to determine the transportation tariff would be available for scrutiny. Running a pipeline is not very difficult to comprehend. It is manpower and materials. So having a third-party entity involved in a sideline business that opened up the door to reality is not what “Big Oil” would be friendly towards. As it could affect how they establish the inflated tariff for their own benefit. So I say goodbye yellow brick road, as the time to build a gas line is over with. We missed the opportunity, for the time being. And I wonder about this tidbit? Rumor has it that the “Big Oil” is ready to take the state to court, if the new GIA isn’t as lucrative as what Frank and “themselves” worked out behind closed doors, like it was already a negotiated contract. You know Frank will side with “Big Oil”, as far as what he agreed upon, as he had the ultimate authority to do what he thought was necessary to create a legacy. And you thought buying a jet was a joke. So, don’t hold your breath that come next summer the campgrounds and hiring halls around this state will be crowded. All in all, the “white crude” is the only way forward from here on out. And to emphasize it over and over again, “white crude” is the preferred method these days. As it is a commodity that has a market, along with multiple end users. It is economically positioned as the only way to go. And answer me this. Why is British Petroleum going Beyond Petroleum by spending millions to study the “white crude” technology developed by the Germans during WWII? And testing it right here in our own backyard, down on the Kenai, with a pilot plant project that works with the age-old technology? And why not have an interest? They have the gas, they have the pipeline. Why build another line when the oil line is only running at 42% capacity. It just doesn’t make sense to look or think otherwise. So if the state wants to play with money to entice getting the natural gas to markets, go with the existing infrastructure, as this state is not really all that interested in another “pipeline” boom. Remember the bumper sticker, wherein “Happiness is a Texan returning home with an Okie under each arm”! The bottom line, with the four challenges put forward by Sarah’s GIA, the excluded “white crude” process seems to be the most lucrative and at the same time the most sensitive. So, Alaska should remain a “one” pipeline state. It is the best we can ask for and with the quickest of returns. A rip-off, but workable all around!

CopyRight 2007 MSK Media/Eagle Rock Press

Don’t Eat this Fish

ANCHORAGE - Big Wild Life? Don’t Eat this Fish
If honesty is the best policy, we have a true political statesman in our midst! Some police chief from Wisconsin ticketed himself, after failing to yield a school bus picking up kids. Really, he turned himself into himself, realizing it meant a $235 dollar fine and 4-points on his record. Wow, this is honesty. Maybe he should team up with another “John Kennedy” like politician in our midst, namely John Edwards. What a tag-team this would be. Two honest guys! John Edwards will never have a chance at the presidency short a “decency” revolution because he did not fail the kindergarten creed. And all those other bozos on the 2008 campaign bus, like Hilary and Obama, forget it. I will never cast my presidential vote for a sitting senator or representative. Why? We pay these jerks big money. They have a job to do. So they are spending their salary and time to further their own agenda and the race is two long years away. This is not how it should be. If they want to campaign, then they should give up that seat. But jerk-enomics rules. How much time could you get away from your job to run for an office? The other day, the NPR lady made mention that Mike Gravel was Alaska’s sitting house representative. I laughed. It is not surprising, this identity theft, as it has to do with “location, location, location”. Alaska is far away, so most “other” Americans have no idea what this state is all about. Most telemarketers think the state’s abbreviation - Ak. - means Arkansas. That is why I always say yes to the offers, realizing that nothing will ever end up in my mailbox. People in Arkansas must get pissed. As a matter of fact with respect to confusion, most Alaskans have no idea who Don “Billy Goat” is or what he does in D.C. for 170,000 dollars plus during a 20-day stay at something called work. Anyway, Mike Gravel is also running for the 08 hot-seat. Why anybody would want to follow in George Bush’s footsteps has to be crazy, insane or suffer from ED. The latter means one of two things, explosive diarrhea or that stuff that is talked about during family TV time commercials when my daughter is listening in and asks funny questions I cannot answer because I have not the problem. I have a hat that advertises, “Viagra not needed”! You know, Viagra with that NOT circle. So why “pray tell” would someone subject oneself to a position in efforts to outdo George? We have come to see that seat institutionalized, akin to “Laugh-in”. So anybody that takes that seat and turns it back into a seat of decency, it could have dire consequences. We could all become deathly sick, as laughter is the best medicine and George keeps it coming. I guess it was George’s fix for national health care coverage. All one needed was a TV! Talk about Alaska. We have a new slogan that cost a little more then a senator’s yearly salary to design and implement. It goes something like this: “Big Wild Life”. It is supposed to replace the failed slogan, something about most of the “other” Americans and foreigners will die before they see this state, as Alaska is the rip off “Mecca” of the tourist industry and that one trip will suck down one’s retirement fund wherein you will have to revert back to eating SPAM. Anyway, time will tell whether this slogan will work without Federal pork barrel intervention – like an intervenes shot. We rely on the pork barrel over the oil barrel. Believe it or not, Alaska is a welfare state. But I have my own campaign slogan. It can be used for tourism and political ladder climbing alike: “Don’t eat the Fish”. See, just the other day the politicians once again changed the rules of engagement, with the “bag limit”. So now it is lawful to catch and squander away only one halibut per day. So it doesn’t pay, as the price of boat gas will send the fish upwards to approximately 200 dollars per pound, with skin and bones in tact. But come to find out, they were doing it for our own good. Alaskan halibut has been found to contain a whole lot of mercury. So limits have been placed upon how much one can consume, especially with kids, pregnant women and ED candidates. In fact, the warning in the Super Bowl Sunday paper headlined this fact just as everybody was getting ready to make halibut dip, to be enjoyed during the Super Bowl XXXCCCCIIII…. So we have resigned away the fair catch doctrine ingrained in this state’s Constitution for reasons of health and will allow the commercial fishermen to take a whole bunch more fish, and sell it to the Americans in the lower 48. The plan is to disseminate the population, then let the pork spell relief. We have a new governor here in Alaska, I think they found her during a “makeover” show or during the try-outs for American Graffiti. Anyway, she issued a response to the halibut mercury warning. “…loves Alaskan seafood and will continue to enjoy it on a regular basis”. She didn’t say anything about “halibut”! Now with that in mind, back to my slogan of “Don’t eat the Fish”. Really, come to find out, over 20-million pounds of dog feces is shat to rest on the frozen earth around Anchorage. It accumulates all winter long. Come spring, it starts to melt away with the melting snows of winter’s past. It finds its way to the waste-water treatment plant at Point Warzonoff, wherein it is mixed with water and pumped into the flowing waters of Cook Inlet. This unfortunately occurs when the salmon are returning. The returning fish swim head-first through the “shit”. Now during this journey, they consume anything in their path, as once they hit the freshwater, their biological clock says, “enough shit”. Getting back to Mike Gravel. He is running for the presidency. But he is no longer an Alaskan. He lives in Sweet Virginia. His platform calls for abolishing the IRS. Good luck mate! When he was a U.S. senator, he single-handedly filibustered against the draft, which was about to expire. He won! And he believed in a guaranteed annual income, for all working class Americans. With that in mind, I am also throwing in the towel. My platform will follow that of Huey Long and Lech Walesa. All working Americans will be under one union umbrella, and through dues, it will provide representation, health and retirement benefits. You work, we provide. What’s all that laughing? Damn, my dog won’t even eat that fish! Wild, a Big Wild too boot.

CopyRight 2007 MSK Media/Eagle Rock Press