Shit AHOY

Alaska - once the “Last Frontier” state - has found its fair share of reality TV melodramas over the years – from sea sick wannabe slime-liners to road rage worriers to gold-diggers bent on daily fist fighting rather then sifting for gold. And those series on the “Bush” cops in Alaska, don't you just love how it portrays the Alaskan Native population as a bunch of drunks! I am glad that the gold-digger gang was kicked out of Alaska, as every time a show aired there came evidence of environmental abuse and an observant citizen would file a complaint with the local authority. If I were one of those natives filmed walking cock-eyed through the village, I would find a good lawyer and sue the bastards out of the state – forever! Why is it that we have “oversight”, or supposed to have oversight on site, but it takes the observant “couch potato” citizenry to call the bluff? What do you mean oversight in Alaska is dead per an executive order by Governor Parnell? So kudos to the citizens who take it upon themselves to make a difference when a law has been compromised, I guess it is not wasted time after-all in front of the boob tube in that respect. Just like how Ted Nugent went caught, for wounding a black bear while on an Alaskan Safari. Yes, Ted's film crew caught him breaking the hunting rules and when it was aired, somebody called “America's Most Wanted” and Ted was arrested and when confronted shit his pants – again. Yes, Ted found a way to avoid the draft, just shit in your pants during that psychological evaluation at the recruiting post – “Reject, next”! Maybe that is how Dick Cheney found 8-deturdments during his time before the recruiters, as we all realize how well he “crapped” all over America while acting out his fantasies as president. But has the viewing pubic been taken for a ride with Alaskan based reality TV shows, including those with Sarah taking the stage? Take the filming about that road going from the Yukon River north to the “slope”. I have driven that road many times, in every season and under conditions questionable. My job on the pipeline required that drive, and if not by road when duty called, there was always a helicopter available or a well equipped snow-cat. Due inclement weather, I have camped out in concrete dungeons that hold the batteries for the Remote Gate Valves – critical devices along the Trans-Alaska-Pipeline where there exists no roads, just remnants of a once upon a time construction road, now somewhat faded away. Yet in all “reality”, it is not that bad of a road. Or was OK until the ban was lifted, one that now allows cruise ship motor coaches to make it unsafe. Just like will happen with the salmon - unsafe - now that the same industry holding hostage this state's delegation can discharge “crap” while calling on an Alaskan port. Shit Ahoy! Honestly, DON”T EAT THE SALMON! But that road north as a matter of fact not fiction, it is maintained above and beyond most “public” corridors as it is the life-line of the oil fields up in Prudhoe Bay. Hey, the workers up north are not “unionized” so cannot “strike”, but cut off the prime rib or lobster, forget about any work from that 5000 headcount! So in the 6-years I drove up and down that road, never once did I have a bad or borderline experience that would warrant defining that road as exceptable for a reality series – unless the entire filming is purposely faked along the way to make it look dangerous. In fact, except for some of the mountain passes, when it is -50 the roads have excellent traction as the cold and dryness provides exceptional gripping action - remember that area of Alaska is considered a “desert”. And I have been on “real” ice-roads, built with ice on top of ice on the Beaufort Sea during the winter and extending 12-miles out into polar bear country, wherein driving 70-mph was not a problem, once again the cold ice and dry climate acting like suction cups with the rubber treads! And talk about a mountain pass road with a dangerous disposition, just drive down Thompson Pass into Valdez during the winter after a good snow blow! So is this road from the river to Deadhorse like is so portrayed on that “Ice Road Truckers” reality series? NO, not even close. And the reason I question this one particular “reality” show, there exists many more much challenging roads in the lower-48 – defined as the extreme – wherein it is “Dangerous”. Take Donner Pass for instance. I just drove through that area ahead of an approaching storm, it was still a knuckle bitting experience. I counted at least a dozen jack-knifed semis, all equipped with chains as this area finds a type of snow that is very difficult to maneuver such a heavy payload even when prepared. And talk about a roller-coaster ride! I would like to see the “Ice Road Trucker” gang trying this one out on a bad day. On a scale of 1 to 10, the Dalton Highway under similar conditions would maybe rank a 5, giving Donner Pass a 10 in the difficulty category. So what gives, why such fanfare on mediocre dangerous roads, or hitting the fishing grounds aboard monster sized fishing boats in luxury when the little guy boats are the ones that have a tough time out at sea? Why not have a film crew on Donner Pass, or along U.S. Interstate 80 when snow and wind hits hard? Well it is the “friendliness to filming”, as Alaska allows for some generous tax haven credits to those that venture north with camera and crew. And since “Reality” shows have not famed actors but local folks, it is a cheap way to make a living. It works like this. I hire a crew to film some wannabe hunters on a caribou hunt and during Act 1 the hunters end up killing over a 100 animals, just to get it right. In the end, it costs my company $10-million to produce the documentary, as with the illegal hunting, I can promote also my “Reality” cop show and also film life in a village of inebriates - thus killing three birds with one stone. Due Alaska's tax haven for my “Floozy Films, Inc”, I get a credit of $4-million against my corporate taxable income. The only problem, I don't live in Alaska and my business is incorporated in Delaware, due no liability. That is how I get away with killing all those caribou! But I can sell the “tax credits”, to an Alaskan corporation, for pennies on the dollar. Yes, I can sell $4-million in “Corporate Tax Credits” to entities like British Petroleum, or the Koch Brothers – which already receives a $2.5-million break from the Alaska Railroad, courtesy the U.S. Taxpayers paying for a “Commuter Rail”, which is a no show just like the M.V. Susitna. And that “Tax Credit” is fully transferable to an Alaska entity that must pay corporate taxes to the State of Alaska. Think about it. You have a business in Alaska, your taxable income after depreciation and loopholes is $4-million – as you must have employed an honest and ethical accountant. So you pay “History of Porn Filmmakers” $2-million in return for $4-million in credits, which means you are off the hook for employing an honest tax accountant. Better luck next year, to that accountant now unemployed! Anyway, you get a decent break for not even knowing what end of the camera is up or down and Alaska gets screwed. Now once upon a time we thought Alaska had something worthwhile for its new “Hollywood” image, but when “Sarah and the Wasillabullies” left town, so did Alaska's true worth as the “Last Frontier”. Things are getting back to normal, as Sarah's ratings tank and the “Wasillabully” mentality retreats, but will this state ever recover to what it was before John McCain went mad? I doubt it. Look, any outfit that applies for a “film tax credit”, it should have a referee and at least some semblance of a policing policy to gage whether or not a film has merit and does not ridicule Alaska, its people, especially the Alaskan Native culture. Sure that culture struggles with addiction problems, but let's not make fun over it! And all that in-fighting, with the truckers and the gold-diggers, that ain't happening in the oil patch, but you don't see the film crews making fun of that industry do you? The earlier “reality” shows tried to portray Alaska different then what it is really all about, in efforts to find that “couch potato” non-thinking audience. I would like to see the IQ of those that waste time watching this “crap”! Now if the filming has merit, is beneficial to Alaska and doesn't make it look like we are a bunch of losers, drunks, cigarette smoking bandits raping the oceans, then maybe a film credit is OK. Today it stinks, and this state is as close a replacement for Hollywood as Sarah is as a replacement for the “Naughty Granny” - Playboy's comic relief. Look, there exists outfits from the lower-48 that buy some name-worthy outdoor clothing, spend $40,000 on a trip to Alaska, take a few shots of a babe in the attire, and get the credit! Basically, if you want to take a luxury trip north to Alaska, plan it out wherein you take some pictures of a fishing pole then sell these to an advertising agency, then you get the benefit of a freebie trip to Alaska – courtesy the celluloid tax benefits. So like everything else that started out with good intentions, it is taken advantage of and today we see not good stuff with Alaska's good name attached, but “crap” broadcasts and I am sure Ted used the tax credit, and was caught red-handed! But when a state has so much oil wealth totaling a reserve of $45-billion, this “tax credit” means peanuts in the big picture show, so what is the sentiment. Then why in hell is Alaska still the biggest welfare state of the Union? Maybe it is time we give some of that welfare back, to the U.S. Taxpayers that have been raped and pillaged by Alaska's delegation retrieving way too much loot that would have served a better purpose somewheres else - but wait there's more. See, had the goons that managed the “Reserve” here in Alaska been NOT asleep at the wheel when the market crashed, after Dick Cheney took the “Big Shit” on his way out of the “Oval Office”, this state would have a reserve well over that $45-billion, as we lost that much to the Wall Street hedge-fund thieves, so after 6-years we are back to where we started, and that my friend makes room for more abuse! See, “Hollywood” is still laughing, and the laugh is on us!