Down Payment

I had to employ the services of Mr. Phineas J. Whoopee in efforts to determine if false advertising on an Anchorage city bus was something to get flustered over. It was an advertisement that boasted the fact that by taking the bus to work or school or to visit ex-senators doing time the money saved could afford that down payment for a real McCoy “first” home. At first I thought maybe it was an outdated ad from the ARM scam days. I feel sorry for the innocent that went ripped-off with this robbery approved by Congress. Look, big banking institutes were involved! These outfits are now getting Federal assistance to fix their portfolios and at the same time supposedly help out foreclosures. Do you realize how much extra money it takes to get out of foreclosure? Really, banks make money during foreclosure periods. Banks love to throw people out onto the cold streets, right here in America, the land of opportunity to screw your brother! So Congress is guilty once again as the “Taxpayers” once again gets screwed over to fix somebody else’s problem. Not the homeowners, but the banking institutes. And do you really think the trickle down theory will work? So this bail out had to be sanctioned by the House of Rabid Skunks, as they are so busy with this baseball steroid crap that they loose focus of the real issues at hand. And this “crap” from John “Two-Timer” McCain and Ted “Bad Ben is My Son” Stevens that “lobbyist” have the right to do their “petitioning” thing under the Constitution is evidence that Congress should be abolished as this “My” Constitution is now nothing more then an abortion afterbirth. OK, lets us do some math over this bus affair business. Hey, did you ever see a senator or congressperson on a bus? First and foremost, what does one need out of the ordinary to prepare to utilize the Anchorage transit system? Maybe a test run will suffice to answer these unknowns, thanks for this suggestion Mr. Phineas. So here we go! It was the day before Ruby Tuesday, and Bill Clinton must have been in town as things were pretty slick. A Chinook had raised the temperature several degrees, so Anchorage was experiencing a premature breakup. It was only February! So I headed out, the driveway was so icy that it was like a remake of Chevy Chase in National Lampoon’s Griswold’s Christmas when he tested out that experimental “slick’m” on the snow sled. This went on for about two blocks. Damn, I couldn’t stop and was quickly approaching the “Avenue of the Star Wars”, a.k.a. Elmore Road Extension. That is where the city constructed these weird like erections that have to be some kind of weapon’s subsystem used as part of the Star Wars initiative. And somebody said it was artwork? Maybe they should have saved the money for some sidewalk sand, for those of us that are trying to buy that “first” house. Anyway, this road is a death trap now for pedestrians. The line of bumper-to-bumper traffic is rather weird. Going south is a bunch of testosterone excited kids heading to Service high to practice their 1st Amendment Right. “Woman is the nigger of the world”, thank you John. Going north, people heading to the hospitals, as this city has taken the honors for the most obese, so this line of traffic is slow going because the patients know what is going to happen. The doctor is going to say stop eating and take the bus, for exercise! Anyway, as I went lower in elevation, the ice started to melt and provide puddles, some at least several inches deep as there is a problem with run-off elections in this city. I am glad we can afford to build a convention site when the streets are like rivers over the edge and out of control. Hey Don, send bridges! Maybe this city should spend some money to hire a real engineer. So finally, I made it to the bus stop. But it was to late, as I missed the bus that would have taken me to work on time. So I was busted and was docked an hours pay. Live and learn to forget breakfast and leave a little earlier next time. Now on the way back, it was more of the same and I was beginning to believe that one would have to be insane to think this bus system is anywhere near safe, reliable or fit to use this time of year. But I finally made it to the return bus stop. Now I can’t blame the “Bus” system all on its own, but since bus stops are few and far between, the road system becomes a critical part of this system. For now, still on my return journey home, I was at a traffic intersection light. I pushed the button, but pedestrians are the last to get any satisfaction in life. I waited and waited as it was to damn risky to cross the street and big puddles were everywhere. What the hell are these crazy drivers trying to do? See, it was those testosterone kids again, and I was the target. Really they were trying to splash this guy. What a bunch of creeps. Now the light was about to change but I didn’t get a chance like this was one of those “Sorry not this time” round-abouts. Don’t you just hate “Round-Abouts”? See, it was right after school had been excused for the day, so the traffic lights were allowing catch up, which means the crossing patterns get lost in limbo. Finally, it looked like it was about to be my time and I could see my bus coming. I was going to make it with no time to spare. Hey what’s that fire engine engineer doing with that remote? See, these guys have this remote control to change traffic lights in midstream. And guess what? Not my turn again. And the traffic light went back into its default cycle, wherein pedestrians get kicked back to the bottom rung of the control logic. Honestly, I thought people were beginning to think I was hanging around looking for spare change. Hey what a concept, for that down payment! So I had to endure another 5-minutes at the puddle intersection. And it doesn’t need to be this way. Careful planning could make it worthwhile, but conveniences take money. And there exists no room for such errors and no excuses here in Alaska as this state has enjoyed reeling in the dough as the welfare extraordinaire state for eons lasting some 39,000 days or equal to the time that the “pork rind” king as infiltrated the Treasury. Alaska is proud of its crooked past, present but the future looks bleak. Finally I made it to my get off station, again fighting the puddles and maddening traffic lights that smiled when a pedestrian showed up. Then on the way home I stopped at the wishing well. It was at a dog park. The water that was pouring down the wishing well - sewer drain - from this early breakup was brown, it was dog crap made liquid runoff! Somebody told me this stuff ends up going out into Cook Inlet just about the time the returning salmon hit the tainted tide. It was good to get back home, even though I had to wait for the sand truck to visit my neighborhood to get up the road. It was treacherous. People looked upon me like I was a crazy guy, walking in this crap. It was definitely that, a crap affair trying to use the bus system. So I now realize what is needed in efforts to take advantage of the bus, so I can save money for that down payment to buy a foreclosure. First, ice-grips at $20.00. Allow extra-time, like an extra two hours. Rain gear and fishermen’s boots, for the puddles. A waterproof backpack for that extra set of clothes, maybe a big can of bear-spray, for the assholes. You know what, forget this crap. It sucks because it takes away from my beer drinking time. Now maybe I will give it one last try, but not before securing a life insurance policy with extended catastrophic coverage. What’s that fine print? “Does not cover casualties or injuries while flying a private aircraft or using the public transit system”! Time for another beer! So forget about that down payment, this is not worth it. Now I am all for mass transit, but this system here in Anchorage is a far cry from anything workable as a convenience unless you have to use it because of no other means to commute. Like a poor person, which is defined as a person that must work at a fast food joint. So this ad is a blast at such, as most of the time and a majority of the time those that use this useless system have no other choice. They are not saving money now, or time, but have to trudge through the ice and snow and melting dog crap as an everyday out of convenience necessity. It sucks. And here is what sucks about “our” Congress that belongs to somebody else. The people facing the street life due to foreclosure should be the ones bailed out, as everybody in this country in this day and age should be afforded an affordable home. Just like Don Young can afford very expensive attorneys that like going after baseball stars! Sorry Pete. What the hell happened to America!

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