Can You Hear Me Now?

Don’t you just love Federally funded research that produces nothing that can help out with the human trials and tribulations endeavor? I am talking stuff like what happens to the appropriations that comes from the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s “pork” barrel of ridiculousness. Maybe it should be called misappropriations and in tune with misrepresentation! In Alaska, and little known to the Treasury Department or to the Oval Office, this state takes in its fair share of agricultural “pork” research money. Matter of fact, this state is right up there with the big corncob states! The only problem, Alaska doesn’t have anything to offer in the sustainable agricultural arena. Sure this state can grow prized cabbages, but when a cabbage gets to the 50# weight range, you need a chain saw to cut through the baggage. And those giant zucchinis? Well, the seeds get as big as watermelon seeds, yuck. So big isn’t everything. And of course this state grows some of the best marijuana available, called Matanuska Thunder Struck. But what was once a freedom - indulgence - was taken away by the U.S. Department of Transportation, either with us or against us! Really, if marijuana was not criminalized in tune to the Fed.’s edict, then the state would have to spend oil money revenue to plow the roads of snow! Talk about Big Brother’s noose. Now like mentioned before, we don’t want to be left out with the free-for-all research money giveaway. So in Alaska the delegation - consisting of Ted, Don and MoanaLisa - is good at getting regurgitated taxpayers’ money back home to study things like the penis size of the male Musk Oxen! Really, it had something to do with husbandry research. It cost you and I close too $168,000.00, a senator’s salary! And guess what, nobody yet has had the guts to try and measure the penis of an adult male roaming out and about on the tundra. And you can’t! Unless you are a bonafide nutcase, as when a member of the herd goes down, the others stage a stage-coach coup and surround to protect. So the penis size of a healthy male Musk Oxen may never be known. Now we have some more recent research data made available. Have you been out to the Anchorage garbage transfer station lately? As you enter, there is a gigantic sign that warns, “NO CELL PHONES”. Now I made a few calls over to Mayor Mark Begich’s campaign office – city hall – and still could not get any information about what recently transpired and caused this area to go off limits to cell phones. See, other states have realized that cell phones contribute to auto accidents, so many states ban the use while driving. Here in Alaska, I guess the dump is a good start! It is one of the favorite hangouts come Saturdays! Anyway, further “muckraking” found the answer to this new ruling at the dump. It began as an ongoing research project that started many years ago. Some university students had been documenting the social behavior of the Ravens. It was documented that the Ravens shared things, like garbage. But something weird occurred a few years ago that skewed the research gathering results of the Ravens that hung out at the dump. The big black birds started behaving differently, and that sharing thing was compromised to the point that it was causing a social order dysfunction. There existed plenty to eat, so the scavengers were not on the verge of going hungry. And the birds gave entertainment to the nearby tourist’s traps, as long as the wind direction was not towards Sourdough Sam’s barbecue. “Hey, that ain’t grilled salmon you’re smelling, but old diapers”. Anyway, it was demonstrated that the behavior was due to the Ravens getting bombarded with cell phone radio waves being bounced off the metal building of the transfer station. It was basically cooking their brains away. Or in scientific terms, subjecting their thought process to confusing confinement. And since Ravens are protected by the Fed.’s, either with them or against them set the stage for even more protection. Maybe the Polar bears should find a dump and a cell phone tower! So that is the reason for the cell phone ban at the Anchorage Transfer Station. Now what is all so interesting is the fact that only a block away, another behavioral problem exists, at those damn Round-Abouts. Take tight circumference roads with ice and a driver bent on using that cell phone, it is a dysfunction. So the Ravens get protection and we continue to suffer. And maybe it is too damn late, as the cell radiation is out of control everywhere around this place. Maybe the dump is a good place to hangout, at least for a little reprieve from the bombardment. So maybe this research was money well spent, for the Ravens! When at the same time we can’t even get legislation to ban the Stevens Family name. Talk about dysfunctional! Oh, and what about that cell phone tower over at the church land on the corner of Lake Ottis and Abbott? The tower that was purposely placed away from the Reverend’s school and right up tight against the public school playground? Really this guy pays no taxes and takes in a bunch of money for the cell phone tower property rental, again a tax freebie! And what about the kids, not his kids, getting bombarded by cell phone radiation wave’s everyday when at school trying to get educated that “people” care? You know what, I don’t see any Ravens hanging around the school grounds anymore, even by the dumpster! So maybe we need some of that research money to find out why so many preachers are as dumb as gourds, and in no way shape or form servants of God! Bottom-line, why do we allow a cell-phone tower so close to “our” kids when it is still unknown as to the side effects of constant radio wave bombardment with respect to an individual’s learning development? Maybe it is the way we do research, guinea pig style. And when finally it is determined that a bunch of kids and a few teachers that frequented Anchorage School District’s radiation central have somehow or another been subject to one too many radio waves and now their immune system has been rattled ineffective and cancer has taken over, I am sure research will tell us that suing the preacher and his church is not a reality because of separation of church and state. Seems the preacher had no problem separating good sense. Of course, blame it on the money hungry game. Time to find a lawyer!

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