American Pie
Crap! Work duty is sending me to the lower 48. And to travel from Alaska, it means a disruption in sleep. So I am going to miss the “Greatest Show on Earth”. As Senator Ted “Under Investigation” Stevens is going to be the focal point of the Katie Couric anchor show. Now there is a neat woman! I don’t watch the morning show anymore, not unless Bruce is singing a protest song. Wow, 58 and coming out, against the “WAR”. Where the hell is Joan and Bob and… And our Ted is getting a little celebrity notoriety, while making a show here in Alaska - right this very week. But he wasn’t seen hanging around in Girdwood. Wonder why? He was here on a fact finding mission. What he found was this. It is easy to blame shenanigan irresponsibility on others. First found fact, Alaska oil production is down. Maybe because British Petroleum can’t keep the fire breathing dragon away! Second found fact, the Valdez Glacier has only retreated some 30-yards since he last visited this historical gold rush, earthquake, oil drilled, oil spilled town back in the 50’s. Damn, seems like the glacier in his own backyard down there in Portage is gone for good, something like a 7-mile retreat in 4-years time. But good for him insisting that we have to pay attention to “global warming” as this phenomenon is approaching its 100-year old birthday! Really, according to Ted, this thing has been a problem for a lot longer then he has been a sitting “duck” senator. Sounds more like “Global Moaning”. MoanaLisa, MoanaLisa, a vieille mule, frein dore. Interpretation: Unknown. And didn’t Al just win the Nobel Peace prize, for his addiction to the warming trends? Had it been around for as long as Ted would like most of us to believe, somebody would have already claimed the “prize”. Just what Gore needs, more money! Talk about patriotism. If the “other” party does one iota of disrespect with respect to the men and women in uniform – like messing with the “military budget” – a kamikaze like attack commences. Most likely funded by Boeing and Lockheed and Blackwater Jack. Wasn’t there a song about Blackwater Jack, by Carole King? “Blackwater Jack he bought a shotgun. Cause he was in the mood for a little confrontation…And on the whole, it was a very good year for the undertaker”. You never hear the military commanders go frustrated over funding shortfalls, as in the end when all the wasted spending goes drywall - similar to AWOL - the troops would still hit the trenches, even if they were out of ammunition. Hey, they still have a brave-heart and a bayonet. Anyway, I have to get to the airport. My wife wanted to drive me, but I chose to take a 222-2222. I need the language practice. That’s what so great about America, such an ethnic cornucopia. With that in mind, best place to practice language skills comes by spending time in the backseat of a cab. Now in my line of business, respect was afforded those with that so-called photographic memory. Cab drivers must be in that same category. Every city I visit, yet have I seen a cabby take out a map. Never once witnessed a cab driver getting lost! And city emergency response managers should include cabbies during evacuation planning, as these guys know more about the ins and outs then the weather man knows about which way the wind might blow. Now, it wasn’t due the fact that the weather was bad - the cab ride - just that it was early morning time. The latter makes it unsafe for ladies to be out and about alone. Guys get a little break from the lunatic street sleaze. Anchorage is the “crime spree” capital and the scale of criminal activity has upset the balance. In fact, it has tilted the scale. Even Morocco enjoys safer streets for its inhabitants. And some say that is where the terrorist hideout! Actually, it is where the French hangout. So now I have to be on my best behavior as the TSA has the “Behavioral Facial Expression Experts” on duty. Remember the posters that were found here, there and everywhere wherein it was stated that “God is Watching You”? We need it back, accept it should now read, “TSA is Watching You”. I wanted to tell that young girl she was being watched, by a bunch of sexually deprived ancient men – all decked out in those “blue” uniforms of importance. See, she was bending over during the shoe removal processing and her “thong” started to second as a bra strap. Soon it was to hell with the X-ray and eyes all around were lowered to half mast attention. Really, I think out of boredom the TSA has invented this secret “hand” signaling. Hey, the guys in prison do it. Soon Tom will be learning it. Was there really a Tom Anderson rally at the Ann Stevens building in downtown Anchorage? Who owns that property? Anyway, grasping the coveted prison hand gestures code is good for Tom, as it gives a heads-up learning experience wherein this cry-baby felon can share his expertise with Pete and Vic and Ben and….Can’t I not even laugh? This TSA guy thought I wasn’t acting like a cow, so he started asking stupid questions. Wow, made it through once again on best behavior. I wonder if one can wear a mask through the homeland gates? It is getting close to Halloween, so why not. I have this fake Don Young mask that would be a gas to try out! Hey, there is commotion at the Gate C8 podium! It looks like Ted in the raw. And with the temper tantrum, it must be our beloved senator who likes keeping company with the FBI and IRS. False alarm, but it could be a “Ted” mask. Damn, the airlines have succeeded in obeseifying a 757. I bet cattle travel in better conditions then this. And here is what gets me. I was a “Good Samaritan Passenger” for the young lady sitting by the window, with a 16-month old miniature Ted – “mini-Hulk”! As I was allowing the use of my table tray for her depository, which consisted of all kinds of crap. Is that a used diaper? Soon it was table top on overload! But there was not a flight attendant to be found and it was a 5-hour flight! And when they must do the duty, they run the isles like there is no tomorrow, like they do not want to mingle with the animals. If this plane goes bump, there is going to be shrapnel gone wild, just from 37B. I have an idea to enhance travel. Take that “Flight Attendant” call button, the one that arouses everybody’s attention like a terrorist is asking for directions, it should become a different kind of button - like a trash pickup icon. Maybe a decal of “Oscar the Grouch”. What I get a kick out of is when you get to your destination about 20-minutes early. The pilot comes on like this is a major accomplishment. Wow, then the bad news, as the arrival gate is already booked up with an outgoing flight, so just stay patient and you will arrive on time, not early, not late, but as planned. So you have to camp out for what seems like an eternity. And everybody races for the hidden “cell”. What the hell did we do to get along when cell-phones were something that only prisoners were aware of? I had a $35.00 glass of wine on my way to the Spirit city. See, I had this airline voucher from a previous flight that was cancelled because the flight crew complained about a foul odor on board. So I splurged on the final leg of this trip and used it on a 1st class upgrade. The wine was supposed to be free, but I was a little confused to what warranted the high price for the upgrade. Oh, a normal sized seat! I am running for any of the political offices that will soon be vacated as the Alaska FBI raid continues. My platform will be new and exciting. As far as the airlines, all planes will be government issue, one class only with seats that fit the obese so I don’t get stuck paying full price for a 2/3rd’s size seat. It will cost you though, with 50% of your income going to Uncle Sam. But traveling will decrease by the same. Finally, an arrival gate in sight. Hey, the shoe shine guy has a framed picture of Missouri’s elected officials. Alaska’s representatives are soon to be framed. And get this, when I went to relive myself, I noticed there is a framed picture of Larry Craig in the airport’s outhouse John. I noticed it because it is late at night and construction crews were installing this heavy mesh like screen so “no more footsies”. It confuses me these days, the way we fix problems! Back to Anchorage. The construction crews are real busy here at the Ted Stevens International Pirate ship. See, they are preparing another area for a wildlife display. It will be dedicated to the Katmai “pet” bears that are being gunned down as they no longer have a fear of humans. Really, somebody in their wisdom decided it was time to allow big name big game hunters to shoot Yogi and company. And these bears have names, so this new display will be the mounted bears, names and all. Hey, you won’t be able to photo shoot the live bears any longer, so the stuffed ones at the airport will have to do. Anyway, I guess Ted blamed every body and his brother over the fact that “global warming” is causing the coast of Alaska to float away to Russia. Sounds more like “global moaning”. He had a temper tantrum because “no one asked” for money to help rescue the erosion problem. See, we went spoiled in this state, as things just showed up and “no one” was ever required to ask for help in the first place. You won’t find a single Alaskan that asked for those “Bridges to Nowhere”. Or a single sane Alaskan that asked for that road money for Coconut Grove. Anyway, over time we became complacent, and learned that we didn’t have to ask for things. And this erosion thing affecting Alaska’s coast because the ice pack has disappeared, every 3rd grade student knows it’s a problem. To say you are appalled that nobody has asked for money, what a cop-out! Ted, if you didn’t know about this problem, you have no business representing “people”, try cattle instead. Maybe that is what happens once you win that seat and head so far away, you loose touch of what is really happening in this state. Anyway, it is sad when you try to blame innocent true grit Americans. And answer me this. How come you knew all about the “erosion” on the banks of the Kenai River? Wherein you sent millions to a buddy, who never asked for it. Don’t you think that the money could have been put to better use, like saving a villager’s home? Instead of pacifying Boeing executives and Blackwater Jack creeps who would descend upon this sacred river each and every year, for that “Crap Classic” you would sponsor. Bottom line, instead of the blame game, lets have a sane game, where we all get on the same page and get things in our own backyard’s fixed. But when one looks at New Orleans and the convincing evidence that we build to destroy, what can one expect? What really irks me is the sad fact that you Ted, continues to support a war, when that money should be exhausted right here on our own soil. It is “my” money that you throw away. Pushing democracy on another country when at the same time our coastline is disappearing, it goes to show that this country has its priorities “tilted”. And without due respect, that was supposed to be your job, what we paid so dearly for and will probably pay more fines for a long, long time to come. By, by Miss American Pie! No lie.
Crap! Work duty is sending me to the lower 48. And to travel from Alaska, it means a disruption in sleep. So I am going to miss the “Greatest Show on Earth”. As Senator Ted “Under Investigation” Stevens is going to be the focal point of the Katie Couric anchor show. Now there is a neat woman! I don’t watch the morning show anymore, not unless Bruce is singing a protest song. Wow, 58 and coming out, against the “WAR”. Where the hell is Joan and Bob and… And our Ted is getting a little celebrity notoriety, while making a show here in Alaska - right this very week. But he wasn’t seen hanging around in Girdwood. Wonder why? He was here on a fact finding mission. What he found was this. It is easy to blame shenanigan irresponsibility on others. First found fact, Alaska oil production is down. Maybe because British Petroleum can’t keep the fire breathing dragon away! Second found fact, the Valdez Glacier has only retreated some 30-yards since he last visited this historical gold rush, earthquake, oil drilled, oil spilled town back in the 50’s. Damn, seems like the glacier in his own backyard down there in Portage is gone for good, something like a 7-mile retreat in 4-years time. But good for him insisting that we have to pay attention to “global warming” as this phenomenon is approaching its 100-year old birthday! Really, according to Ted, this thing has been a problem for a lot longer then he has been a sitting “duck” senator. Sounds more like “Global Moaning”. MoanaLisa, MoanaLisa, a vieille mule, frein dore. Interpretation: Unknown. And didn’t Al just win the Nobel Peace prize, for his addiction to the warming trends? Had it been around for as long as Ted would like most of us to believe, somebody would have already claimed the “prize”. Just what Gore needs, more money! Talk about patriotism. If the “other” party does one iota of disrespect with respect to the men and women in uniform – like messing with the “military budget” – a kamikaze like attack commences. Most likely funded by Boeing and Lockheed and Blackwater Jack. Wasn’t there a song about Blackwater Jack, by Carole King? “Blackwater Jack he bought a shotgun. Cause he was in the mood for a little confrontation…And on the whole, it was a very good year for the undertaker”. You never hear the military commanders go frustrated over funding shortfalls, as in the end when all the wasted spending goes drywall - similar to AWOL - the troops would still hit the trenches, even if they were out of ammunition. Hey, they still have a brave-heart and a bayonet. Anyway, I have to get to the airport. My wife wanted to drive me, but I chose to take a 222-2222. I need the language practice. That’s what so great about America, such an ethnic cornucopia. With that in mind, best place to practice language skills comes by spending time in the backseat of a cab. Now in my line of business, respect was afforded those with that so-called photographic memory. Cab drivers must be in that same category. Every city I visit, yet have I seen a cabby take out a map. Never once witnessed a cab driver getting lost! And city emergency response managers should include cabbies during evacuation planning, as these guys know more about the ins and outs then the weather man knows about which way the wind might blow. Now, it wasn’t due the fact that the weather was bad - the cab ride - just that it was early morning time. The latter makes it unsafe for ladies to be out and about alone. Guys get a little break from the lunatic street sleaze. Anchorage is the “crime spree” capital and the scale of criminal activity has upset the balance. In fact, it has tilted the scale. Even Morocco enjoys safer streets for its inhabitants. And some say that is where the terrorist hideout! Actually, it is where the French hangout. So now I have to be on my best behavior as the TSA has the “Behavioral Facial Expression Experts” on duty. Remember the posters that were found here, there and everywhere wherein it was stated that “God is Watching You”? We need it back, accept it should now read, “TSA is Watching You”. I wanted to tell that young girl she was being watched, by a bunch of sexually deprived ancient men – all decked out in those “blue” uniforms of importance. See, she was bending over during the shoe removal processing and her “thong” started to second as a bra strap. Soon it was to hell with the X-ray and eyes all around were lowered to half mast attention. Really, I think out of boredom the TSA has invented this secret “hand” signaling. Hey, the guys in prison do it. Soon Tom will be learning it. Was there really a Tom Anderson rally at the Ann Stevens building in downtown Anchorage? Who owns that property? Anyway, grasping the coveted prison hand gestures code is good for Tom, as it gives a heads-up learning experience wherein this cry-baby felon can share his expertise with Pete and Vic and Ben and….Can’t I not even laugh? This TSA guy thought I wasn’t acting like a cow, so he started asking stupid questions. Wow, made it through once again on best behavior. I wonder if one can wear a mask through the homeland gates? It is getting close to Halloween, so why not. I have this fake Don Young mask that would be a gas to try out! Hey, there is commotion at the Gate C8 podium! It looks like Ted in the raw. And with the temper tantrum, it must be our beloved senator who likes keeping company with the FBI and IRS. False alarm, but it could be a “Ted” mask. Damn, the airlines have succeeded in obeseifying a 757. I bet cattle travel in better conditions then this. And here is what gets me. I was a “Good Samaritan Passenger” for the young lady sitting by the window, with a 16-month old miniature Ted – “mini-Hulk”! As I was allowing the use of my table tray for her depository, which consisted of all kinds of crap. Is that a used diaper? Soon it was table top on overload! But there was not a flight attendant to be found and it was a 5-hour flight! And when they must do the duty, they run the isles like there is no tomorrow, like they do not want to mingle with the animals. If this plane goes bump, there is going to be shrapnel gone wild, just from 37B. I have an idea to enhance travel. Take that “Flight Attendant” call button, the one that arouses everybody’s attention like a terrorist is asking for directions, it should become a different kind of button - like a trash pickup icon. Maybe a decal of “Oscar the Grouch”. What I get a kick out of is when you get to your destination about 20-minutes early. The pilot comes on like this is a major accomplishment. Wow, then the bad news, as the arrival gate is already booked up with an outgoing flight, so just stay patient and you will arrive on time, not early, not late, but as planned. So you have to camp out for what seems like an eternity. And everybody races for the hidden “cell”. What the hell did we do to get along when cell-phones were something that only prisoners were aware of? I had a $35.00 glass of wine on my way to the Spirit city. See, I had this airline voucher from a previous flight that was cancelled because the flight crew complained about a foul odor on board. So I splurged on the final leg of this trip and used it on a 1st class upgrade. The wine was supposed to be free, but I was a little confused to what warranted the high price for the upgrade. Oh, a normal sized seat! I am running for any of the political offices that will soon be vacated as the Alaska FBI raid continues. My platform will be new and exciting. As far as the airlines, all planes will be government issue, one class only with seats that fit the obese so I don’t get stuck paying full price for a 2/3rd’s size seat. It will cost you though, with 50% of your income going to Uncle Sam. But traveling will decrease by the same. Finally, an arrival gate in sight. Hey, the shoe shine guy has a framed picture of Missouri’s elected officials. Alaska’s representatives are soon to be framed. And get this, when I went to relive myself, I noticed there is a framed picture of Larry Craig in the airport’s outhouse John. I noticed it because it is late at night and construction crews were installing this heavy mesh like screen so “no more footsies”. It confuses me these days, the way we fix problems! Back to Anchorage. The construction crews are real busy here at the Ted Stevens International Pirate ship. See, they are preparing another area for a wildlife display. It will be dedicated to the Katmai “pet” bears that are being gunned down as they no longer have a fear of humans. Really, somebody in their wisdom decided it was time to allow big name big game hunters to shoot Yogi and company. And these bears have names, so this new display will be the mounted bears, names and all. Hey, you won’t be able to photo shoot the live bears any longer, so the stuffed ones at the airport will have to do. Anyway, I guess Ted blamed every body and his brother over the fact that “global warming” is causing the coast of Alaska to float away to Russia. Sounds more like “global moaning”. He had a temper tantrum because “no one asked” for money to help rescue the erosion problem. See, we went spoiled in this state, as things just showed up and “no one” was ever required to ask for help in the first place. You won’t find a single Alaskan that asked for those “Bridges to Nowhere”. Or a single sane Alaskan that asked for that road money for Coconut Grove. Anyway, over time we became complacent, and learned that we didn’t have to ask for things. And this erosion thing affecting Alaska’s coast because the ice pack has disappeared, every 3rd grade student knows it’s a problem. To say you are appalled that nobody has asked for money, what a cop-out! Ted, if you didn’t know about this problem, you have no business representing “people”, try cattle instead. Maybe that is what happens once you win that seat and head so far away, you loose touch of what is really happening in this state. Anyway, it is sad when you try to blame innocent true grit Americans. And answer me this. How come you knew all about the “erosion” on the banks of the Kenai River? Wherein you sent millions to a buddy, who never asked for it. Don’t you think that the money could have been put to better use, like saving a villager’s home? Instead of pacifying Boeing executives and Blackwater Jack creeps who would descend upon this sacred river each and every year, for that “Crap Classic” you would sponsor. Bottom line, instead of the blame game, lets have a sane game, where we all get on the same page and get things in our own backyard’s fixed. But when one looks at New Orleans and the convincing evidence that we build to destroy, what can one expect? What really irks me is the sad fact that you Ted, continues to support a war, when that money should be exhausted right here on our own soil. It is “my” money that you throw away. Pushing democracy on another country when at the same time our coastline is disappearing, it goes to show that this country has its priorities “tilted”. And without due respect, that was supposed to be your job, what we paid so dearly for and will probably pay more fines for a long, long time to come. By, by Miss American Pie! No lie.
CopyRight 2007 – Dixie Productions/MSK Media/Eagle Rock Press
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