Gallagher's Travels

Think back a spell, remember Gallagher, the comedian who never left home without a watermelon? Then with a 10-pound dead blow hammer, he would make smithereens the melon, entertaining his fans by douching front row seat victims with airborne rind, seeds and “da” juice. Well, I think I found a new career, most likely a short-lived one, failure or not! See, I just returned home from the jungle. It was the day after Thanks, something called “Black Friday”! Whatever happened to “Good” Fridays? Anyway, the jungle I am talking about means the malls, wherein this madness exists upon the wall to wall pedestrians, causing panic attacks and a feeding frenzy, wherein those on the slow move to nowhere take in holy calorie mall food at the speed of insanity, making it clear and convincing that Alaska is the “Obese” state of the Union and doing everything it can to retain that title. Malls! I would wager that major insurance companies support the mall life. Why? Insurance companies rely on Americans getting sick, through un-healthy habits, like becoming mall rats. Hey, without sick people, there would be no need for insurance companies. So these outfits find things to make us sick, then use tactics to migrate it into society. Maybe our representatives can steal away some Treasury money to perform a study, another study, then a convincing re-study and as usual, nothing will get accomplished except more of my hard earned money wasted away, again. It is like a broken record, this bailout, which is nothing new. In Alaska, the bailout thing was started way long ago when the Three Stooges came to power, namely Ted, Don and Frank. When times were good and pork was king, wherein someone could get a “grant” – a.k.a. Uncle Sam freebie – just to study the penis size of the Musk Oxen. At one time when accountability was still part of the Constitution, there was no such thing as “grants”, as the government secured its wealth with “loans”. But loans are not free, so it cannot buy votes. Ted and Don were instrumental in this new-age giveaway program, so what is going on today is nothing new. Now I started my day off healthy, by taking in some cross-country skiing with my ancient Trysil Knuts wood skies. And this was well before the Randall Rovers made mincemeat of the trails. Hey, speed isn’t everything. Really, it was fresh virgin snow that had not yet experienced one of those noisy grooming machines, the way it used to be back when Anchorage was still civilized and one could ski the backwoods’ trails without being accosted by some organization wanting money, for skiing! And what is with that idiotic selfish smirk you get from those speed skiers? Hey, I like the old ways! I hope KaKa wins that medal finally, so we don’t have to hear about her any longer, let some fresh blood go for the gold. Anyway, I waited until just about closing time on “Black Friday”, to return back one of those all-in-one contraptions that can FAX, copy, print, choke and perform unwanted maneuvers, like that secret hidden away paper shredder. I didn’t order a paper destroyer, and it appears that is the only thing this beast is good for! It didn’t work, except it sounded like a choking dog, so at least that function seemed to work. Maybe that was the I-tunes function. These modern electronic gizmos come with a bunch of un-necessary crap. But regardless any incompetence to comprehend or appreciate, my new machine was broke! And at first I didn’t want to be bothered with noise, traffic and confusing confinement on this busiest of busy shopping days of the year. What’s that? Oh, the bus service has been furloughed by Anchorage’s Mayor “Man of Discrimination” Dan Sullivan. But I was lazy, and just wanted to stay home with my six-pack of Sam Adams’ Winter Lager. So I called the “Brother” can you spare a dime hotline, for help on turning my newly purchased contraption into something useful, besides a noise machine, that now acted as if one of those secret government mood altering devices. And I don’t need any paper mache material! Now talk about getting furloughed! I was told – after a 20-minute debriefing wherein some technical assistant wanted my life history so it could help better assist my problems – that for an additional $50-bucks secured by a credit card, a new printer contraption could be delivered within 3-days and for another $50-bucks, the broken machine hauled away? Hey, the contraption was on sale for a $100? And I need to counterfeit, now! So the only other choice was to hit the store, to get a new what-cha-ma-call-it. Honestly, this was a place and time wherein full body armor was probably a good idea if you valued your life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. The return line was a mile long line. And people are not nice after shopping all day. So finally, my turn. “What’s wrong?” It’s broke. “Can you be more specific?” Yes, it has a hamming distance problem. “Oh, OK.” It is interesting how easy it is to fool these hi-tech groupies. So I was given the green light to get a replacement. Now on “Blue” Wednesday, the store had hundreds of these contraptions, piled high like a pyramid. But when “sales” for a must have starts at 5am, people are still in sleep mode and buy not what they want, or need, so things disappear. Lucky me, there was one left, way up on a shelf. “I’ll take it”, which seemed to confuse the hired help. Now this thing is as big as Maggie the elephant. And with slick ice prone parking lots, it was a chore getting it back home. Now there is something about technology that is confusing, as modern day computers and geeks like to make things stubborn, with this plug and play crap. And the directions are misleading. It didn’t work, my replacement, in fact it screwed up my computer, So another call went to the “Brother” hotline, same thing, for $50-bucks…. Then I remembered Gallagher. See, think what a “hoot” – thanks Sarah – it would be to have live entertainment, when people are waiting in line for their turn at insanity? Laughter is still thy best medicine! Why do you think Nancy Pelosi is always laughing? Oh, I heard someone yell out that was a failed Botox experiment. Sounded like Reid! So, I thought it would be proper to imitate Gallagher, instead of a melon, a piece of crap all-in-one electronic gadget. Why not? First and foremost, there is an audience, and they need something to break the boredom. So I am planning a Gallagher, not with a melon, but upon my Brother, that is the MFC-5890CN super-duper do nothing yet but make sad noises Professional Series Multi-Function Center. Damn, if I have to pay tax on a Center? So, here is the schedule of events. I plan to head to the Best of them all, before the opening bell, and when the clock strikes 10, whamo! Imagine the fallout, from plastic, metal, ink and gallium arsenide shrapnel going every which way but loose. But therein exists the problem. These contraptions are a hazardous waste site on their very own, that is the reason it is called a “Center”. As it already qualifies under the EPA Superfund, a giveaway program that proves that perpetual motion is not impossible. And since we are all responsible for our daily deeds, with respect to abating hazardous wastes, I would properly be looking at jail time, for inaugurating a hazardous waste site. And with the “bailout”, it would probably fall under the Denali Commission’s jurisdiction, wherein some idiot with roots to the evil empire - a.k.a. Juneau - would become rich. But at least the bus stop patrons would be spared, as righteousness continues to be furloughed by this city’s leadership. Hey, remember Arlo found himself in jail, for littering, on Thanksgiving day! Alice’s Restaurant Massacre! Maybe I am really on to something with this Gallagher gig, a contraption massacre, Arlo relived. Anyway, for some reason my MF is now working, after rebooting every dam micro-chip in the house, including powering down the micro-wave oven. It can FAX! It can copy! It can scan! It can still shred! And that choking noise has been refined, as this thing can talk and sing! What a deal, and it is alive and well. See, right after it started working, it connected itself to the la-la network, thinking I wanted to give away more personal information. Now it knows exactly where it resides. The display says something to the effect, “Welcome Anchorage homeowner”. What? It is now displaying “Anchorage, city of Brotherly Hate” accompanied by a song with the background tune of “Hey Big Spender”:

The minute Sullivan walked in the Assembly,
I could see he was a man of discrimination,
A real cheap blunder.
People Mover, so denied.
Say wouldn’t you like to know
What’s going on in Dan’s mind?
So, lets get right to the Prevo,
He doesn’t care about the pain he sees.
Hey, cheap spender,
Hey, Mr. Discriminator!
Hey, bus eliminator!
Spend maybe a dime on me!
Fun…Laughs…Good Times!(with Jerry)
Fun…Laughs…Good Times!(No new buses!)
Fun…Laughs…Good Times!(Attack Begich)
How about a Wheeler?…Yeah!

Maybe it’s in the Municipality water supply, maybe gallium arsenide, or maybe the problem has something to do with the Hamming distance – as the latter deals with “flipped” bits. See, when idiots like Dan Sullivan can continue to be worthy of political control, this society is doomed. And this madness continues, as what is fashionable seems to make inroads, regardless of how detrimental it is to society and we can all thank Sarah for this new age sacrilege. As it appears she has become a role model, for something that needs shredding, or at least some mood alterations, as she is but a noise out of control - continuing to indicate that IQs are not a prerequisite to governance. Remember, what Honest Abe said, “I can not tell a lie”. To bad others are not as “Honest”! Where’s my dead blow, as this country needs a new gavel!