Kelly's Heroes

I was glad to see that Fairbanks’ Rushpublican Senator Mike Kelly is in favor of drafting a bill that allows for Federally restricted firearms to be built in Alaska. Why? For several reasons of impotence. First and foremost it may create jobs. Second, with a downturn in the global economy and freight loading and unloading down 50% at the Ted Stevens’ "Pork Breath" International Airport, it means the availability of specialized equipment to foster a re-birth of specialized weaponry, the kind allowed under Kelly’s beak. Note: A bill becomes a beak when it creeps beyond its original goal, like adding earmarks. And last but not least, with North Korea having now the ability to lob a missile from there to here - Alaska Standard Time - we need the capability to lob something back. A payload of dog crap would suffice. I heard somebody say a payload of Juneau politicians would be a better choice. Sorry, as the majority has taken off to D.C., for some energy conference, so you can’t count on fodder being available and hot air just doesn’t have the punch. I see they are really in favor of energy conservation! Remember, its Spring Break! Now sure we have the secret star wars initiative stuff that is positioned in expensive underground concrete silos around Alaska’s backcountry, but not so secret about this project is the fact it don’t work. The silos leak water. In fact, the silos go flooded and the water short-circuits the launch and guidance systems. But regardless of this deterrent’s dim record of availability or success lacking, it is used as a fake-out smokescreen, to intimidate space invaders. So we can afford us some protection on the cheap, by using technology now owned by the U.S. for occupying Iraq. I am sure there exists some "stimulus" money for my project. Hey, if the Alaska Railroad - hasn’t shown a profit in 50-years - can get some of this free-for-all money, there has got to be some loot for other freeloaders? So my project goes like this and in harmony with Kelly’s bill as introduced during his meeting with the "2nd Amendment Task Force". My project calls for the re-creation of Saddam Hussein’s "Big Gun" or was it "Super Gun" and was cast in the disguise as the "Babylon Project". For those that don’t remember what started to make Hussein famous and in the crosshairs of debate, it wasn’t the gassing of humans, but it was his dream of the "Big Gun". It used non-specialized components in effort to construct these immobile like 120-ft long guidance tubes, as nobody would sell this crackpot even a pea-shooter never mind a BB gun. So he improvised and started buying equipment designed and destined for a refinery project under the "Babylon". Just plain old pieces of pipe! See, he had oil and he had money. With that, the buying of heavy duty precisely machined pipe components was allowed even under international embargoes. In fact, many of the high-pressure fittings that made it over to Iraq when Hussein was still breathing came from the United States! The pipe would be bolted together and in the end would be born this "Big Gun". It could be used to lob almost anything toward Iran, even gas filled projectiles. And that makes my project even more worthwhile, as a few gas bombs lobbed over the tundra from my "Babylon" could devastate the entire wolf population. Especially now that "gassing" is allowed in the 49er by authority of the Alaska Board of Hitlerism! So with a refinery in North Pole that is under-producing - with that the high price of motor fuel - we have before us an opportunity to use some of the un-used crap that is just going to rust away. See, the only reason that refinery remains in existence is because the railroad gives it a break for transporting jet fuel to Anchorage. Here it is in a nutshell. The railroad gives the refinery a break. With that, the refiner sees a return-on-investment higher then reality, which in turn sets the stage for high motor gasoline pricing. That is why the Attorney General could find no reason for the high price at the pumps. There is nothing illegal going on, as it is all a matter of prudent business practices. But it is the Alaska Railroad’s interference that is getting in the way of fair pricing. Somebody has to pay! Now this state would have been better off by spending money investing in the Fairbanks airport infrastructure instead of what has occurred over the years in Anchorage. In the interior, there was already a rail spur line from the refinery to the airport proper and there have been private businesses looking at building a pipeline to supply the airport’s needs. It is a business and it would have been a whole lot cheaper transporting jet fuel from the source to Fairbanks instead of the added cost to get it all the way to Anchorage. So the entire cargo infrastructure should be moved, to Fairbanks. I am tired of those jets flying overhead my Anchorage home. And it is scaring the Dickens out of the bears. I am really tired of looking at Ted’s pirate ship. Really, that international airport terminal is bizarre looking, like a pirate ship. I guess it fits Ted’s legacy! So I am all in favor of building "Babylon" right here in Alaska. To show the rest of the nation where we stand on gun control. And since the "2nd Amendment Task Force" urges gun owners to openly display their weapons, this "Big Gun" display could become a tourist attraction. And with a downturn in the economy, wrench gangs are ready and willing to go to work. This is a "wrench ready" project that carries with it a sense of heroics. Hey, we haven’t got back diddly squat from Bush’s invasion upon Iraq, at least my project makes an attempt to recoup some of the losses, except the loss of human life!

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