I travel coast to coast on a regular basis. And one thing comes to mind that makes Anchorage stick out like a sore thumb as a non-conforming city. Actually, many things distinguish this city away from other American and European cities alike. First and foremost on the qualifying list of “different”, what is with all the loud pick-up trucks, as if the owners never heard of ear protection? Not only protection for themselves, but courtesy for everybody else that has the unfortunate opportunity to come anywhere close to their ruddiness domain? And one would think that such noise would be only a once-in-awhile annoyance, coming from a pick-up that was old and dilapidated. Like maybe the muffler had succumbed to one too many Alaskan winters wherein the salt has done its duty and allowed the steel pipe to return to its virgin state - as rust. Same thing that is happening to the oil lines up in Prudhoe Bay! No, this barrage of unruly noise comes from modern “PFD” down-payment specials. No wonder Cal is getting rich. Now this kind of noise pollution is not allowed within neighborhoods or for the most part city limits of all the major cosmopolitan cities I have traveled through. Maybe that is the catch, as Anchorage is far from any definition of civilized, never mind the “cosmo” thing. In fact - guilty as a noise maker - it can get you in real big trouble in most places, as it isn’t one of those out-of-sight out-of-mind penalties, like “littering”. In such cities that disallow someone else’s noise to bother another’s peace and quiet, signs are posted everywhere. It includes all noise making activity, including fire-crackers. So when you pull up to a red light, you don’t get some dude on a motorcycle with a palm itch continuously revving his engine, wherein noise blasts away in every direction with a tendency to dislodge asbestos from old dilapidated buildings. No it is a nice biker, abiding by the rules of engagement. And you hear and see very little of the “Anchorage Edition” type pick-ups elsewhere, as the noise of such wouldn’t be tolerated. Get this, I was told that because it is OK - to noise pollute in Alaska - that these pick-up trucks are actually assembly line rejects, wherein the engine isn’t performing up to specifications. So Detroit has come up with a quick and dirty solution. Place some noise blaster muffler stubs on the rejects to make it sound mean, and send it to Alaska! This “reject peddling” occurs every year right around October when kids have been back to school and need to impress. And that is when the state hands out a freebie dividend check – which is a down-payment for a testosterone moaner. So one may ask, why doesn’t Anchorage have a noise level limit ban? It is very simple. Who owns all the small planes that commandeer the friendly skies during the short Alaskan summers? Lawyers. Was Ted real a lawyer? I bet kids will frown away from that discipline once Ted is indicted. So, in efforts to enforce noise reduction zones in and around Anchorage, it would also inundate the freedom that pilots have, when buzzing over your house. My house is on the approach to Merril Field, like everybody else on the lower hillside, and sometimes it is all too annoying. The lawyers all seem to return at the same time after a weekend invasion of the fishing grounds – just when I am trying to enjoy an outdoor barbecue. And you know what, it is OK to piss out of a small plane, even over Anchorage! So any law banning noise, it would in effect limit a lawyers “freedom” domain in which he could dominate and piss on the public. So don’t look to see something on the books that would limit noise in and around the city proper. And lawyers don’t care about loosing their hearing, as they don’t hear very well to begin with. Was Ted really a “Bar” approved attorney? Isn’t there a test one must take to become a bonafide attorney? Doesn’t the exam contain some semblance of an ethics test? You know what, even though time after time Teresa’s hubby failed the “bar” examination, I bet he passed the “ethics” section. Maybe that is why he continued to get failing grades! Talk about motorbike imbeciles, I was out riding my bike this past summer, with my wife. We were attempting to cross Tudor and Lake Otis intersection. People can’t read, as a great big sign states, “Yield to Pedestrians in the Crosswalk”. It is more like, “You Got Them in the Crosshairs”! One guy on a Harley yelled out to my wife, who was a little bit behind me, something to the effect that the light was green. It was, for “Pedestrians”. See, he wasn’t a real biker, just a weekend wannabee. That is why he had to pick on my wife. My wife’s sentiment to the jerk, “get a real bike”! Anyway that brings me to another reason why Anchorage is far from a cosmopolitan city. See, a whole lot of things must be achieved in efforts for the “cosmo” signature to become a reality. Like people being able to walk the streets without fear of getting mowed over. The Anchorage drivers are so demanding that pedestrians are merely a nuisance. So without going into the tougher things that must be achieved, we need to focus on the minor things that will bring this city closer towards a “cosmopolitan” like city of enjoyment. It would make this city a fun place to hangout. And another thing, that moose statue down by Starbucks on 5th, somebody needs to plant some real moose turds at the statue’s base - just to add some humor to this fine piece of art. It’s a moose without arms! It’s a two legged moose and this past summer I heard a tourist insist to other traveling companions that moose stand erect in the wilds! Anyhow, this state was a territory a mere 50-years ago. About the same time Ted entered the ring of politics. We have not really progressed very far past third-world status, because we have statesmen that have tried to plan too far in advance. Take the Bill “Nose Bleed” Sheffield train terminal, out at the U.S.S. Ted Stevens. Oh, I stand corrected. I thought it was originally a pirate ship, the airport terminal. See, someday maybe a train with a GPS guidance system will find its way to the airport. For what reason, more noise I guess! Can you imagine the whistle blowing, the ultimate geese “gooser” I guess. Now Bill’s nosebleed, that was a real noise maker! But better then that, what’s all that static on Dan’s – the Big Man – radio talk show? Someone thought it was Ben Stevens. Now would Ben be making noise in public if he were still under investigation? Well, remember this, he is hanging out on a boat that is closer to Russia then it is to any state or Federal penitentiary. So maybe, just maybe that static is the boat’s propeller ready to go, to freedom at last - to Russia with LOVE! Don’t you love that moose? I bet he wishes he were on the Wizard of Oz, as he could ask the Grand Wizard for “arms”. But all that noise, what a nuisance! And all that political corruptness, what a noose around what was once a good state of affairs. Alaska, once a territory. Alaska, once the “Last Frontier”. Now though, the “Corrupt Bastard” state. This will probably set us back many, many years. And as far as going cosmopolitan, maybe the cosmos is closer, as we have our very own rocket launcher way down south in Kodiak. You know what, I have come up with a brilliant idea for Laird’s Rocket launch facility without rockets to launch. See, it could launch Native owned “Kodiak” spruce tree trunks towards the Federally funded failed veneer plant in Ketchikan. Now the trajectory would be over the Federally funded failed Point Mackenzie dairy boondoggle, as the loose wood chips could be collected and used to fill up the Federally funded failed Don Young wood chip export facility. And the rocket could be controlled by the Federally funded failed and out-of-money Kenai astronaut training facility. Just how many Federally funded wrecks have we been blessed with? Isn’t anybody looking? And everybody thinks the EXXON Valdez wreck was bad! Why the hell should anybody in this country be required to still pay taxes? Crooks are at the helm of everything. What’s that loud noise? Damn, it the sea trials for the Federally funded high-speed amphibious assault ferry that is being built by the Navy, because it was the only way the “Corrupt Bastard” could get it built – had something to do with being chased by a “rabid” skunk. Now this waste of money - soon to be yet another addition to that long list of Federally funded failed Alaskan projects - it will one day be used in and around Anchorage, because we want to go “cosmopolitan”. Imagine this, a nighttime cruise along beautiful Cook Inlet, at 500-miles an hour. No wonder we hear a lot of loud laughs coming our way from outside, as we have earned maybe not the “cosmopolitan” label, but the laughing stock label of approval!
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